Leveraging their even higher profile this week with cable news stations, ISIS has negotiated a syndication deal with all of the major news networks to distribute their propaganda videos.
“This is a win-win for us,” explained MSNBC President Phil Griffin. “First, we get to run an endless loop of every threatening video ISIS makes, to inform the public of course. Then we get to ‘encourage’ the public to be so terrified even of videos that are only empty threats, that they watch more MSNBC and become more informed…or more terrified, six of one, you know? And that is exactly what the terrorists are afraid of,” Griffin said with a confused look.
CNN President Jeff Zucker was similarly enthusiastic about immediately and repeatedly running videos created by ISIS that are solely intended to inflict terror on the American people. “I mean, this is news…isn’t it?! Tell me it’s not, I dare you! The people have a right to know what they should be inordinately terrified of! In fact, we’re going to start using our state of the art computer animation tech to create holographic enactments of every threat ISIS makes to really illustrate to the public just how scared they should constantly be.”
Fox News Chairman and CEO Roger Ailes has explained that in addition to faithfully airing and repeating ISIS threat videos frequently, he is in talks with them on a daily show. “We were going to call it, ‘REBELS’ for ‘Radical Extremists Believing in Eliminating Liberal Society’ but we were worried that people might mistake them for Republicans. So we decided instead on calling it ‘Tea Party Patriots – ISIS Edition’.
Asked to comment, ISIS officials released a statement calling for the death of all infidels and thanking the cable news stations for helping to create a valuable synergy that will be great for all of their bottom lines for many years to come.