Despite being outvoted by a majority of Justices, Scalia declared that the minority vote by him, Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito prevails because the majority’s views are “horse feathers malarkey”, “skittledy piddlety” and “doo-doo head, poo-poo face”.
This was a highly unusual case since it was brought by Scalia himself, hence the case’s name, “Scalia v. History”.
In his ruling, Scalia explained, “History now poses a threat to the white male conservative Christian’s life, liberty and pursuit of happiness. That being the case, this court has no other choice but to order history to cease and desist. No more historical changes or events may take place and this decision is effective retroactively to March 19th, 2003, the day before the launching of the Iraq War.”
Under Scalia’s ruling, President Bush’s Iraq War never happened, nor did the economic crash of 2008 Bush presided over. Also not occurring in history would be the election of Barack Obama, Obamacare and the right of gays to marry.
“History has taken on a liberal bias which is not what the Founders intended,” Scalia frothed. “Jefferson believed in the sanctity of marriage as being between one man, one woman…and a slave or two. But never between two men or two women or a man and two women or a woman and two plumbers…or one man, one woman and a goat named Sancho. You just won’t find that in the Constitution and believe me, I’ve looked!”
Wiping the drool from his chin, Scalia continued, “The 14th Amendment guarantees equal treatment under the law for all citizens, that includes white heterosexual religious extremist men who are superior to everyone else. To allow them to be singled out and victimized as a class of Americans would violate the 14th Amendment instead of providing them with equal treatment to continue their treatment of others as unequal.”
Scalia’s order effectively ends the reporting of news by newspapers, the Internet and 24 hour network news channels so that no changes to American history can occur. The major cable news outlets surprisingly responded that they don’t see that as having any noticeable impact on their programming. Fox News CEO, Roger Ailes explained, “It will actually make the running of our network much easier, we see news and history as ‘the competition’.”
Jeff Zucker, CEO of CNN applauded the decision. “Do you know how much it takes out of our 3D CGI budget to pay reporters to cover the news? We had to scrap our digital recreations of rumored celebrity sex tapes to pay for a trip to Afghanistan…which would you rather watch?! Justice Scalia has done a service to the news industry, now we can focus on what we should be focusing on…nip slips.”
MSNBC President Phil Griffin was similarly pleased, “What’s been troublesome for us is that everyone loves when we stoke outrage by treating the intentionally outrageous statement of a Right Wing Republican as news but it also leaves some viewers with a twinge of guilt. Now, with this ruling, the outrage we manufacture can be 100% guilt free!”
Scalia mentions in his ruling that Congress should set up a retraining program to help the thousands of newly unemployed historians train for new occupations, perhaps in the goat farming field, he suggested.