It’s October and getting a jump on Halloween, our cable news stations have already transformed themselves into haunted houses! Enjoy the thrills, the scares and the frighteningly repetitive commercials for how wonderful oil companies are and what a terrifying epidemic there is in our nation of penises that can’t get erect! Oooh….it’s sca-a-ry!!!
Each news network has its own uniquely constructed House of Horrors but they do share some of the same shockers including…
WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE FROM EBOLA!
This enormous room features 317 million Americans, none of whom have ever contracted ebola…running around the room in terror from a single Liberian tourist in a mummy costume with the world “EBOLA!!!” written on his chest who weakly shuffles after them.
WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE FROM ISIS!
This room is decorated like an ordinary bedroom with an ordinary American couple quietly sleeping in bed, until ISIS fighters dressed in black and carrying swords, crawl out from under the bed and sneak out of the closet to chop the couple’s heads off!
Then there are the unique areas of the different news station haunted houses:
CNN’S HAUNTED HOUSE
“The Control Room” – A network control room where holograms and ridiculously extravagant digital effects stab Walter Cronkite and Edward R. Murrow to death.
“WereWolf Blitzer!” – When the full moon rises in the background, Wolf Blitzer’s beard comes to life and grows across his entire body while he howls in absolute fear at not being able to see his face in the video monitor anymore.
“Ghosts of Panics Past!” – An area decorated as a cemetery with the living dead jumping out of graves marked with headstones that say, “Mad Cow Disease!”, “Killer Bees!”, “Avian Flu!”, “Y2K!”, “Mayan Calendar!”, “Obamacare!”, etc.
MSNBC’S HAUNTED HOUSE
“Chuck Todd’s Head” – A virtually empty, dim room occupied by an ugly troll trying to hammer a nail with a banana.
“Hall of Exceptionally Flattering Mirrors” – A room of warped mirrors set beside a cardboard stand-up image of President Obama which make anyone standing in front of them appear to be taller, smarter, more principled and farther to the left than he is.
“Dr. Maddow and Mr. Corporation!” – Rachel Maddow sits at a news desk and describes the corrupt nature of corporations then the lights go out and when they come back on, a corporate shill with a shirt labeled “Commercial!” sits in the chair instead, smiling and wringing his hands as he contradicts everything Maddow just said.
FOX NEWS HAUNTED HOUSE
“Benghostli!” – A room filled with Fox News hosts run around and scream hysterically as they point at absolutely nothing.
“Obamascare!” A judge-like Death Panel look down at hospital patients standing before them in hospital gowns then pull out automatic weapons and shoot them as they laugh maniacally.
“Brides of Foxenstein!” Women are made up to look like the Bride of Frankenstein, chasing after and terrorizing older white men by demanding control over their own bodies and equal pay.
“Night of the Living Murdoch!” A mummy that looks a thousand years old and owns a global media empire, takes the wallets and purses of every visitor daring to come through here.
With more than four weeks to go until Halloween, prepare yourself for more scary rooms to be added to the news networks’ haunted houses…leading up to the biggest scare of all just after Halloween, “Republicans Could Win The Senate!” (that’s got to give the whole country the heebie-jeebies!)