Reeling from harsh criticism over their treatment of Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice’s assault of his now-wife, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has taken a bold step to win back the support of women.
“Let me say first to all the gals out there, we at the NFL love you. We love the way you flail your hands when you run, we love how you cook our dinners while we watch tv and yell at you to keep it down and we love how you jump up on tables, holding up your skirt and shrieking when you see a mouse,” Goodell declared at this hastily arranged press conference.
“I know some women out there may have their doubts but that won’t stop us, we’re the NFL and we will express our love of women to them even if they try to resist it,” explained Goodell. “I do have to say, we’ve felt sucker punched by the unfair attack on us by women’s groups. In the world of women, they’re more powerful than us and using their greater power over us, to attack us then blame us for causing the attack is outrageous and hypocritical. They may come after “bro’s” but NFL men have always respected women by leaving the money on the dresser first, trusting them with very personal pictures and holding elevator doors open for them when they’re unconscious.”
Goodell announced that as a gesture of good faith and to address women’s their concerns about the NFL being insensitive to violence against women, the NFL will dedicate a portion of the 2015 Superbowl Halftime Show as A Tribute to Women.
“We’re just putting all the pieces together now but it’s very important to us that the women of America see how we truly respect them. What it will be is a series of events focused on women that will give them the spotlight, to expose their unique endowments and receive a meaningful amount of money for doing so. So far, we’ve put the following together. We’ll begin with a wet football jersey contest followed by a field goal pole dance-off and end with a “We Twerk Hard For the Money” twerking contest with a $10,000 award to the winner and a contract to be a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. We’ve already got Hooters and Cinemax on board as sponsors, it’s really taking off.”
Responding to calls from women’s groups for Goodell to resign as Commissioner as the NFL, Goodell seemed vulnerable and offended. “These women are trying to corner me in a tight space, deliver a knockout blow to my head then drag me out of the NFL. It’s an outrage! To their calls for me to resign, I have just one thing to say, ‘No means no.'” I am not resigning because their claims aren’t true, I don’t tolerate violence against women…really wish I could pound that into their heads.”