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AdLib On July - 14 - 2014

Bad Grandpa O'Reilly

In a remarkable turn of non-events, the major cable news stations all declared that there really isn’t any news today so they have nothing meaningful to offer to the public until tomorrow.

MSNBC President Phil Griffin stated, “Hate to say but there’s nothing new to report today to the American public. I mean, we could recycle stories from previous days, focusing just on hyping up outrage and partisan anger but that just wouldn’t be responsible.”

Jeff Zucker, President of CNN expressed similar sentiments, “What kind of a news organization would we be if we beat a dead horse…or a missing jet…day after day, just filling hours with knowingly worthless and melodramatic speculation or repetition? Nope, there’s no new stories today so there’s nothing for us to broadcast. Sorry, that’s just the way it is.”

Fox News President, Roger Ailes, described today this way, “Our headline today is, “Go read a book, nothing to see here!” Ailes shook his head in resignation, “You have days like this in the news business. The first three letters in “news” is “new” and there isn’t anything new today. Just the same stories we’ve already reported on and you don’t want to hear us recycling those into preposterous scandals or simply making up stories that aren’t true just to feed an addiction to anger, that may be what propagandists do but it’s not what genuine news organizations do.”

What’s just as fascinating is what the hosts on these networks are doing to fill time on their shows.

On CNN, Wolf Blitzer used his time on The Situation Room to re-enact the classic movie, “Miracle on 34th Street”, playing the role of Santa Claus and being particularly enthusiastic in the scene where Santa gets bubble gum stuck in his beard.

On MSNBC, Joe Scarborough dedicated his program, Morning Joe, to assembling an Ikea living room set, having an especially difficult time reading the instructions and putting things together properly.

On Fox News, Bill O’Reilly appeared on his show, The O’Reilly Factor, with Tucker Carlson sitting on his knee as they did a faux ventriloquist comedy act. Sean Hannity stopped by, juggling bowling pins, then joined O’Reilly in a rendition of the old Abbott and Costello sketch, “Who’s On First?”.

Back to CNN, Erin Burnett spent her time on her program, Out Front, on the streets of Manhattan pulling pranks on passers by, including having Anderson Cooper dress up as a zombie and asking people casually if they had brains he could eat.

Chris Matthews used his program, Hardball, to host a dance contest between couples made up of GOP Chairman Reince Priebus and MSNBC host Andrea Mitchell dancing against MSNBC host, Ed Schultz and DNC Chairwoman and House Representative Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Priebus and Mitchell received a standing ovation for their seamless tango).

Earlier, on Fox and Friends, Steve Doocy led his cohosts in a Jackass-style series of stunts including Brian Kilmeade kicking a football directly into Doocy’s crotch, Clayton Morris launching Anna Koolman into a wall with a catapult and Elisabeth Hasselbeck clamping Tucker Carlson’s head in a waffle iron.

There was snap polling of the regular viewers of each channel which revealed some interesting results. An average of 28% of viewers said they enjoyed the news-less programming, 18% said they did not enjoy it and 52% claimed they hadn’t noticed any difference.

Categories: Featured, Fox News, Humor, The Media

Written by AdLib

My motto is, "It is better to have blogged and lost hours of your day, than never to have blogged at all."

37 Responses so far.

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  1. Pete Geller says:

    Sorry Adlib….Forgot to thank you for the laugh!

  2. Pete Geller says:

    6 corporations own over 90 percent of propaganda….I mean media in our country. Any questions?

  3. Mojave Green says:

    That anyone would go to any of the named talking heads for ‘news’ is both frightening and sad. Anyone have an opinion on why someone felt the need to repeal the Smith-Mundt Act? I’m curious, since I never see it mentioned in any U.S. based ‘media’.

  4. NoManIsAnIsland says:

    As they say down under, AdLib, “fan-bloody-tastic” — LOL!

  5. kesmarn says:

    Just wonderful, AdLib.

    Of course, as we all know, there’s a huge amount of real news out there that’s begging for coverage (arms dealing in the ME…drug cartels in Central America…the GOP voting for more tax breaks for corporations…Islamist extremist gangs in Africa), but investigating that kind of stuff might cause Bill O’Reilly to break a nail, or Sean Hannity’s hair to get messed up.

    Best to stick to Fantasy News. So much safer.

  6. Kalima says:

    Well in this case, no news really is good news, AdLib, if only it were true. *sigh*

    The picture of Billoliely is worth a thousand words, but I wouldn’t waste a single one on a hyper, untalented blowhard like him.

    As always, thank you for the laugh.

  7. pinkpantheroz says:

    Outstanding, Adlib! It makes me feel so good that there isn’t anything newsy today on the cable channels. It justifies my decision NOT to install cable at all. So I now know I’m not missing a bloody thing, no matter how fictional!

  8. VegasBabe says:

    LMAO! I was just minutes away of believing the whole thing. Ever the most gullible one in the room! Well done!

  9. monicaangela says:

    LOL !! You made my day AdLib. :)

  10. Beatlex says:

    You crack me up AdLib! Mockery is the correct response to the stupid sh!+ we are fed by these clowns!

  11. BTW Ad, I love the graphic. It’s perfect. O’Reilly really is a child grown old.

  12. MurphTheSurf3 says:

    The punch line:

    “There was snap polling of the regular viewers of each channel which revealed some interesting results.

    An average of 28% of viewers said they enjoyed the news-less programming, 18% said they did not enjoy it and
    52% claimed they hadn’t noticed any difference.”

    ==============Literally a punch line i.e. a punch in the gut=========

    Much of what shows up on the big three networks and the big three cable satellite channel is worn out news with the same story told over and over again; or it is empty news with the story having no substance devoid of the who, what, when, where, and why important that are at the heart of sound journalism; or it meaningless news that cannot be applied to lives of the listener, viewer for lack of meaningful and honest interpretation; or is is deceptive news that misinforms in service to a particular ideology or commercial interest.


    It is not benign of the type your amusing parody presents. In the real world it is an emptiness with malicious intent.

    Turn to Link or Al Jazeera or BBC; read McClatchy or Time; spent time at a blog where ideas are presented in context and with substance….and the contrast is striking.

    I gave you nine stars because the truth that underlies your well done post is for me the deeper message of your narrative.

    • AdLib says:

      Thanks Murph!

      It is a problem when your business is informing the public about what’s going on and either nothing audience-grabbing or agenda-affirming happened that day. What do you do to rouse your audience and sell more advertising?

      Make it up or exaggerate. Figure out how to press buttons on your viewership to whip them up and watch more.

      Like health care, journalism is something that should not be a for-profit business, that makes it instantly corrupt.

      • NoManIsAnIsland says:

        AdLib, something (a little bird, maybe?) told me
        there was a serious message under your rollicking
        satire, and here you made it.

        My friend Murph must have been in a hypercritical
        mood to give you ONLY 9 stars! I just gave you
        10, but only because I couldn’t give you more.

      • MurphTheSurf3 says:

        You made a VERY Serious point wrapped up in a humorous veneer- hard to do-

        looks like most folks got it.

        Remember when Offices of Professional Standards were just presumed to be in place? or when the Code of Ethics of the Society of Professional Journalists was the core of the profession in the legit press? Remember when equal time was sacred?

        Now it has to make money or serve the needs of the money suppliers.

        Back to Hearst- if it bleeds, it leads.

        • AdLib says:

          Murph, indeed, what passes for journalism today is a modern kind of yellow journalism from the Hearst days mixed with the cynical greed of the modern corporate era.

          There are no standards anymore, when Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller gladly published Cuban government propaganda and paid no price for it, no one was fired. And of course, no need to explain what Fox News does.

          A democracy requires being informed about the truth. We can see how trivial democracy actually is to the RW.

          • NoManIsAnIsland says:

            Good points, AdLib.

            That said, I think democracy is
            anything but trivial to the right
            wing. If they didn’t realize how
            important it still is to so many
            Americans, they wouldn’t
            spend virtually all of their time,
            energy, and vast sums of money
            in their relentless efforts to
            degrade, denigrate, and destroy it.

            They know the now flickering
            flame of democracy is all that
            stands between them and their
            dreams of a fascist state
            uprooting and supplanting our
            very DISunited States.

  13. GreenChica says:

    😆 Thanks. I needed a dose of Adlibian humor this afternoon!

  14. kevinbr38 says:

    I have heard that in place of Christiane Amanpour’s show tonight, CNN’s Dana Bash and John King are going to kiss and make-up on air.

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