In a remarkable turn of non-events, the major cable news stations all declared that there really isn’t any news today so they have nothing meaningful to offer to the public until tomorrow.
MSNBC President Phil Griffin stated, “Hate to say but there’s nothing new to report today to the American public. I mean, we could recycle stories from previous days, focusing just on hyping up outrage and partisan anger but that just wouldn’t be responsible.”
Jeff Zucker, President of CNN expressed similar sentiments, “What kind of a news organization would we be if we beat a dead horse…or a missing jet…day after day, just filling hours with knowingly worthless and melodramatic speculation or repetition? Nope, there’s no new stories today so there’s nothing for us to broadcast. Sorry, that’s just the way it is.”
Fox News President, Roger Ailes, described today this way, “Our headline today is, “Go read a book, nothing to see here!” Ailes shook his head in resignation, “You have days like this in the news business. The first three letters in “news” is “new” and there isn’t anything new today. Just the same stories we’ve already reported on and you don’t want to hear us recycling those into preposterous scandals or simply making up stories that aren’t true just to feed an addiction to anger, that may be what propagandists do but it’s not what genuine news organizations do.”
What’s just as fascinating is what the hosts on these networks are doing to fill time on their shows.
On CNN, Wolf Blitzer used his time on The Situation Room to re-enact the classic movie, “Miracle on 34th Street”, playing the role of Santa Claus and being particularly enthusiastic in the scene where Santa gets bubble gum stuck in his beard.
On MSNBC, Joe Scarborough dedicated his program, Morning Joe, to assembling an Ikea living room set, having an especially difficult time reading the instructions and putting things together properly.
On Fox News, Bill O’Reilly appeared on his show, The O’Reilly Factor, with Tucker Carlson sitting on his knee as they did a faux ventriloquist comedy act. Sean Hannity stopped by, juggling bowling pins, then joined O’Reilly in a rendition of the old Abbott and Costello sketch, “Who’s On First?”.
Back to CNN, Erin Burnett spent her time on her program, Out Front, on the streets of Manhattan pulling pranks on passers by, including having Anderson Cooper dress up as a zombie and asking people casually if they had brains he could eat.
Chris Matthews used his program, Hardball, to host a dance contest between couples made up of GOP Chairman Reince Priebus and MSNBC host Andrea Mitchell dancing against MSNBC host, Ed Schultz and DNC Chairwoman and House Representative Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Priebus and Mitchell received a standing ovation for their seamless tango).
Earlier, on Fox and Friends, Steve Doocy led his cohosts in a Jackass-style series of stunts including Brian Kilmeade kicking a football directly into Doocy’s crotch, Clayton Morris launching Anna Koolman into a wall with a catapult and Elisabeth Hasselbeck clamping Tucker Carlson’s head in a waffle iron.
There was snap polling of the regular viewers of each channel which revealed some interesting results. An average of 28% of viewers said they enjoyed the news-less programming, 18% said they did not enjoy it and 52% claimed they hadn’t noticed any difference.
Sorry Adlib….Forgot to thank you for the laugh!
6 corporations own over 90 percent of propaganda….I mean media in our country. Any questions?
That anyone would go to any of the named talking heads for ‘news’ is both frightening and sad. Anyone have an opinion on why someone felt the need to repeal the Smith-Mundt Act? I’m curious, since I never see it mentioned in any U.S. based ‘media’.
As they say down under, AdLib, “fan-bloody-tastic” — LOL!
Just wonderful, AdLib.
Of course, as we all know, there’s a huge amount of real news out there that’s begging for coverage (arms dealing in the ME…drug cartels in Central America…the GOP voting for more tax breaks for corporations…Islamist extremist gangs in Africa), but investigating that kind of stuff might cause Bill O’Reilly to break a nail, or Sean Hannity’s hair to get messed up.
Best to stick to Fantasy News. So much safer.
Well in this case, no news really is good news, AdLib, if only it were true. *sigh*
The picture of Billoliely is worth a thousand words, but I wouldn’t waste a single one on a hyper, untalented blowhard like him.
As always, thank you for the laugh.
My pleasure as always, Kalima!
O’Reilly looks to be in his natural environment, howling like a five year old as he’s pushed by someone who’s immature.
Hope someone shows him this graphic!
Amen, Kalima, and so THAT’s what “Bill O’Liely” looks like! 😉
Outstanding, Adlib! It makes me feel so good that there isn’t anything newsy today on the cable channels. It justifies my decision NOT to install cable at all. So I now know I’m not missing a bloody thing, no matter how fictional!
ppo, you are missing out on a rather heavy bill though. Wait, that’s like a good thing, is ‘t it?
LMAO! I was just minutes away of believing the whole thing. Ever the most gullible one in the room! Well done!
VB, that’s a great compliment indeed! Cheers!
LOL !! You made my day AdLib. 🙂
Thanks monicaangela, that makes my day!
You crack me up AdLib! Mockery is the correct response to the stupid sh!+ we are fed by these clowns!
Thanks pal! Things have gone to such extremes in the media, it’s hard to out-absurd them!
BTW Ad, I love the graphic. It’s perfect. O’Reilly really is a child grown old.
Thanks KT! The graphic is from the movie, Bad Grandpa. Talk about typecasting!
The punch line:
“There was snap polling of the regular viewers of each channel which revealed some interesting results.
An average of 28% of viewers said they enjoyed the news-less programming, 18% said they did not enjoy it and
52% claimed they hadn’t noticed any difference.”
==============Literally a punch line i.e. a punch in the gut=========
Much of what shows up on the big three networks and the big three cable satellite channel is worn out news with the same story told over and over again; or it is empty news with the story having no substance devoid of the who, what, when, where, and why important that are at the heart of sound journalism; or it meaningless news that cannot be applied to lives of the listener, viewer for lack of meaningful and honest interpretation; or is is deceptive news that misinforms in service to a particular ideology or commercial interest.
THIS IS THE NO NEWS THAT IS BEING DISPENSED EVERY DAY.
It is not benign of the type your amusing parody presents. In the real world it is an emptiness with malicious intent.
Turn to Link or Al Jazeera or BBC; read McClatchy or Time; spent time at a blog where ideas are presented in context and with substance….and the contrast is striking.
I gave you nine stars because the truth that underlies your well done post is for me the deeper message of your narrative.
It is a problem when your business is informing the public about what’s going on and either nothing audience-grabbing or agenda-affirming happened that day. What do you do to rouse your audience and sell more advertising?
Make it up or exaggerate. Figure out how to press buttons on your viewership to whip them up and watch more.
Like health care, journalism is something that should not be a for-profit business, that makes it instantly corrupt.
You made a VERY Serious point wrapped up in a humorous veneer- hard to do-
looks like most folks got it.
Remember when Offices of Professional Standards were just presumed to be in place? or when the Code of Ethics of the Society of Professional Journalists was the core of the profession in the legit press? Remember when equal time was sacred?
Now it has to make money or serve the needs of the money suppliers.
Back to Hearst- if it bleeds, it leads.
Murph, indeed, what passes for journalism today is a modern kind of yellow journalism from the Hearst days mixed with the cynical greed of the modern corporate era.
There are no standards anymore, when Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller gladly published Cuban government propaganda and paid no price for it, no one was fired. And of course, no need to explain what Fox News does.
A democracy requires being informed about the truth. We can see how trivial democracy actually is to the RW.
Good points, AdLib.
That said, I think democracy is
anything but trivial to the right
wing. If they didn’t realize how
important it still is to so many
Americans, they wouldn’t
spend virtually all of their time,
energy, and vast sums of money
in their relentless efforts to
degrade, denigrate, and destroy it.
They know the now flickering
flame of democracy is all that
stands between them and their
dreams of a fascist state
uprooting and supplanting our
very DISunited States.
AdLib, something (a little bird, maybe?) told me
there was a serious message under your rollicking
satire, and here you made it.
My friend Murph must have been in a hypercritical
mood to give you ONLY 9 stars! I just gave you
10, but only because I couldn’t give you more.
😆 Thanks. I needed a dose of Adlibian humor this afternoon!
Always my pleasure, GreenChica…even more of a pleasure after hearing you enjoyed it!
I have heard that in place of Christiane Amanpour’s show tonight, CNN’s Dana Bash and John King are going to kiss and make-up on air.
kevinbr38, are they calling that segment, “Bash the King”?
That’s enough to put anyone off their dinner!
Thanks for the belly laughs. It isn’t as if any of them report news, so of course 52% wouldn’t know the difference. Great satiric piece!!
Cheers slm! Very glad you enjoyed it!