Only knowing House Majority Speaker John Boehner from his osteoporosis commercials that offer comfort to those whose spines have become fragile and weak , I was unaware until today that he is also a children’s book author. He’s published many children’s stories including, “Hell No Moon!” and “No Eggs and Ham…For You Takers!” but he is best known for his current collection of morality tales, “A-Sot’s Fables”.
Thanks to a licensing agreement with Boehner’s publisher, Faust & Beelzebub, we are happy to share with you one of the most popular stories in the book, “The Cowardly Fireman”.
THE COWARDLY FIREMAN
Once upon a time there was a fireman with a really, really attractive tan. He was the leader of all the other firemen. They envied his tan but he had a deep dark secret that he kept from them and everyone else…he was cowardly.
No one ever discovered his secret because whenever something scared him, he would cry and the other firemen would just think that seeing houses burn down just made him too sad to help them put out the fires.
One day, after many fires had been set each day for weeks, some evil white men came to the fire station and told The Cowardly Fireman that they were the ones who had been setting the fires on purpose!
The Cowardly Firefighter asked them why they would do such a thing. They explained that they don’t feel special like they used to because more and more people who aren’t white are surrounding them and taking away their power. They said it makes them feel powerful again when they can burn things down.
“Don’t you want to feel powerful like us, Mr. Fireman?” they asked The Cowardly Fireman.
“I do,” he said, “but it’s my responsibility to put out fires, not to start them. I swore an oath to protect and defend our town.”
“What if we told you that if you don’t help us keep setting fires, we’ll use our SuperPAC to elect someone else as leader of all the firemen?”
The Cowardly Firefighter thought for a time that seemed so long to him, he thought his tan may have faded completely away…but in fact, it was only eighteen seconds.
Putting on his most serious and determined face, he told the evil men, “Okay, whatever you say! As long as I get to stay leader!”
And they all lived happily ever after turning the city into a deadly inferno…or they would have if most of the other firemen weren’t socialist Democrats who put the fires out due to some annoying “moral responsibility to the people” thing that bewildered The Cowardly Fireman as much as it scared him.
THE MORAL TO THE STORY: One society’s coward is another society’s poison.
See you next time for another of A-Sot’s Fables!