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AdLib On August - 30 - 2012

Tonight marks the final night of the Republican National Convention and following in the footsteps of previous RNCs, there will be the traditional lighting of the crosses, the pinatas filled with Oxycontin and dog whistles and the speech by their Presidential nominee, Mitt Romney, accepting the nomination and ribbing God for letting them lie so enormously without sending a sign of disapproval, such as a natural disaster.

Thanks to the crack team at PlanetPOV temporarily laying off the crack and doing some investigative work for a change, we are able to bring to you this exclusive advance draft of the speech Mitt Romney will give tonight:

MITT ROMNEY: Thank you, thank you so much. First off, I want to thank all of the wonderful people who made it possible for me to be standing here before you tonight beginning with my family. I want to thank my father, George Romney, my mother, Lenore, my grandfather Gaskell, my grandmother Anna, my great grandfather Miles and all my great grandmothers!

I stand here before you confident and without a shred of concern or fear because of two simple reasons…magic underwear and a complete lack of conscience.

It has been quite an amazing journey to be on this stage at this moment in history. In 1994 I ran for the Senate in Massachusetts. I lost that race but I always knew I was entitled to having power over millions of people so I never gave up. So, in 2002 I bought the office of Governor of Massachusetts, a period that remains a bit hazy in my memory but I believe while I was in that position I outlawed abortion and prevented Obamacare. After a brief return to the business community to position my finances so that I could better avoid paying taxes that finance this great nation,  I began running to become President of the United States for the following seven years. What I’m trying to say is that in spite of my 14 years of running for and being in political office, I’m proud to be running as a businessman who’s a political outsider.

There are many reasons I could list for Americans voting for me but since none of them are very convincing, allow me to instead give you reasons that I should be elected as an unintended consequence of your voting against the current President. First, President Obama is a failure and when you consider all the companies I bankrupted and jobs I destroyed when I was at Bain Capital, believe me, I know failure when I see it. I don’t make the rules, it’s just the way things are that when the wealthy fail, they get bonuses but when the non-wealthy fail, they should be forced out of their jobs and not allowed to get unemployment insurance or medical care. Didn’t Jesus once say, “Blessed are the meek…but don’t get me started on how much they whine!”

Obama has failed this nation. He had only one Great Depression to reverse, it’s not like he had 20 of them to deal with. Three and a half years to fully transform a massively devastated global economy and in all that time, he couldn’t even do that? He may have inherited a few problems but he made everything worse. Really. You just have to trust me on this. Right now, you’d have a great job, a new house and a Porsche if not for Obama. I Mitt you not! I mean, how could I say that if it wasn’t true?

If I was President at the time, by refusing to bail out the auto industry, not doing a stimulus, not extending unemployment benefits, not passing Obamacare and covering millions of more Americans with health insurance, removing regulations on banks, killing Medicare as we know it and forcing seniors to pay $6,000 more a year for it, slashing government funding for the poor and social services, it’s clear that America would have bounced back stronger than it did thanks to Obama.

President Obama hates The Constitution, country western music, capitalism, pizza, bald eagles, mothers, puppies, freedom and even babies…and how can you vote for someone who hates babies? I mean, come on!

If elected President, I will keep all the vague and undefined promises that I’ve made to the American people! I will tell Americans the truth just as I have throughout this campaign…in fact, exactly in the same way I’ve told the truth in this campaign.

Many in the liberal media with their obsessive focus on “facts” and “details” have attacked me…yes, one of the entitled elite, if you can believe that gall, for not giving enough specifics on how I will make the country better.  Well, I hope they’re listening now because here come the specifics!

I will protect the wealth of the middle class by letting the wealthy hold onto it for them for safekeeping!

I will address the issue of rising medical insurance by making more people ineligible for coverage and thus free from having to pay these rising costs!

I will protect a woman’s right to choose…the name of the baby we legally force her to have!

I will unshackle corporations to invest their money in American jobs in Malaysia, India and China!

I will deny Iran the ability to possess nuclear weapons by attacking them and forcing them to use them all up on Israel!

And above all, I will return America to that shining city on a hill just as George Bush did but even more so, with the understanding that what makes the city look like it’s shining is that it is engulfed in flames.

I have learned through my religious faith and my professional experience, there is no lie to big to be believed, no greed to big to be pursued and no people too educated to vote against their own futures and well being. With that in mind, I am proud to accept your nomination for the Presidency of the United States!”

Written by AdLib

My motto is, "It is better to have blogged and lost hours of your day, than never to have blogged at all."

23 Responses so far.

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  1. AdLib says:

    Now this is one of the funniest Romney parodies ever!

  2. 😆 that’s about right. Romney’s speech has been leaked and I already have seen people like Sullivan pan it. Romney is going to start out talking about how Obama had all the advantages of the American people being behind him in the beginning. Of course no mention that the GOP’s whole political priority was stopping Obama from passing anything.

    • AdLib says:

      I haven’t seen any review of Romney’s speech that describes it as a game changer or remarkable. Eastwood’s wacky performance art seems to have stolen the thunder of the night, that’s what people are talking about.

      That can’t be good.

      And I am indeed hoping that more than one key speaker at the DNC hammers home that the Repubs blocked Obama and continue to block Obama from getting legislation passed during his 1st term, especially on job creation and economic growth.

      This is obscene, the very people who prevented Obama from accomplishing more are allowed to freely claim, “Look how little he accomplished!” without the MSM debunking that BS. If the MSM win’t, the Dems and Obama need to.

      • The only thing I heard positive about the speech is that Romney ‘humanized’ himself somewhat. But based on the fact that expectations were so low this was a low bar to jump. I thought allot of that humanizing was nullified by the second half of the speech anyway. You can’t be good cop and bad cop at the same time and get away with it.

        I know neocons like Kristol are seething that Romney did not even mention troops serving in the field.

        Romney will get a few point bump in the polls because of the mindless undecideds but all people will really remember from this convention are all the lies and Clint Eastwood ranting at a chair.

        • choicelady says:

          OK -- now we know that Romney is good to Mormons whom he knows. We haven’t a shred of evidence he’s good to anyone else whether he knows them or not. Someone REALLY ought to remember that the BTK Killer in Wichita, KS was a paragon of neighborly virtue to those whom he knew -- and brutally murdered those whom he did NOT know.

          • The same was true for John Wayne Gacey. He was very active in his community. In more ways than one, now that I think of it. 😯

          • SallyT says:

            Very true, CL. And, as Bishop of his ward, most of that is his duties in that position. Okay, I know Mitt Romney isn’t anything like this but those priests were thought as wonderful by those that attended the church except for those poor boys they used their power and authority to harm. Even Hitler was good to his dog. He shot it before he killed himself. Romney put his on top of his car for 200 miles.

        • SallyT says:

          KQ, Romney’s speech made me want to vote for George Romney, his dad. His dad sounded so sweet with the rose for his wife on the bedside table every morning. (Now that would be very expensive for Mitt’s grandfather with all those wives! But then again, they are cheaper by the dozen. Roses that is not wives. Gingrich can attest to that.)

          • choicelady says:

            I think we should note that Mrs. R. discovered her husband was dead only because no rose appeared. I thought that so incredibly creepy I have no words for it. I think I’d notice if my husband weren’t alive. This probably means they were not sharing a room? How sad.

            • SallyT says:

              CL, I’m sure it was more like he usually got up before her and put the rose there for her to find when she awoke. (I don’t know how he died. Heartattack or what?) My husband gets up several hours before me (like 2:30am because of his job and even on weekends.) During the week, we have separate bedrooms because I don’t like going to bed at 6pm. In fact, many times we cross paths in the morning with him going to work and me finally going to bed. He always teases that it is like in the service and finding a warm bunk. We do get together on the weekends, him, me and two great danes hit the sack in one bed. My question is, was the story true since Romney lies so much. I’m sure it was because his dad appears to have been of a nicer guy for real. Not just while running for office.

              Update: He did die of a heartattack.

              On July 26, 1995, Romney died of a heart attack at the age of 88 while he was doing his morning exercising on a treadmill at his home in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan; he was discovered by his wife Lenore but it was too late to save him.[89] He was buried at the Fairview Cemetery in Brighton, Michigan. In addition to his wife and children, Romney was survived by 23 grandchildren and 33 great-grandchildren.

  3. AdLib says:

    Mr. Ryan…I suffered with Sarah Palin. I knew Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin was a nemisis of mine. Mr. Ryan, you are no Sarah Palin.

    Paul Ryan not nearly the TV draw Sarah Palin was

    NEW YORK — Republican vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan isn’t nearly as much of a draw at the party’s national convention as Sarah Palin was four years ago.

    The Nielsen ratings company says an estimated 21.9 million people watched GOP convention coverage Wednesday night over nine networks. The marquee event was Ryan’s acceptance speech as Mitt Romney’s running mate.

    More than 40 million people watched Palin’s acceptance speech at the 2008 convention. Nielsen estimated an audience of 37.2 million in 2008 for all the networks except PBS, which pegged its audience at 3.9 million based on a slightly less complete Nielsen sample.


  4. escribacat says:

    Oh Mitt Oh Mitt. What a stunning speech. Oh oh oh! We’re so exceptional!

    • AdLib says:

      MITT ROMNEY: “We are better than other people because of where we were born! And some of us are better than others because of how wealthy the people were who we were born to.

      American Exceptionalism is for all Americans…you don’t have to earn it, you just get it. If you’re white. And in the wealthiest 1%.

      The great thing about elitism is that no matter what group of elitists you’re a part of, there are always those more elite than you so eventually you too will be excluded!”

  5. AdLib says:

    Looks like viewership for the RNC is down and as expected, is primarily the older white men who already are voting for Romney:

    The first night of the GOP convention drew an estimated 22.3 million TV viewers, the vast majority over 55. The Nielsen ratings company said that figure was down from the 23.1 million who watched the first full night of the 2008 convention, which nominated John McCain. Nielsen said just 1.5 million of those who watched Tuesday’s convention session were in the 18-34 age group.


  6. AdLib says:

    An interesting tibit, the state polls haven’t changed a bit in the last week according to RCP:


    Very interesting. Romney hasn’t given his speech yet which could have more of an impact but so far, it doesn’t look like there is going to be much of a bump for Romney.

    That alone would be a big, resonant and damaging story so of course, I’m hoping that turns out to be the case!

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