Tonight marks the final night of the Republican National Convention and following in the footsteps of previous RNCs, there will be the traditional lighting of the crosses, the pinatas filled with Oxycontin and dog whistles and the speech by their Presidential nominee, Mitt Romney, accepting the nomination and ribbing God for letting them lie so enormously without sending a sign of disapproval, such as a natural disaster.
Thanks to the crack team at PlanetPOV temporarily laying off the crack and doing some investigative work for a change, we are able to bring to you this exclusive advance draft of the speech Mitt Romney will give tonight:
MITT ROMNEY: Thank you, thank you so much. First off, I want to thank all of the wonderful people who made it possible for me to be standing here before you tonight beginning with my family. I want to thank my father, George Romney, my mother, Lenore, my grandfather Gaskell, my grandmother Anna, my great grandfather Miles and all my great grandmothers!
I stand here before you confident and without a shred of concern or fear because of two simple reasons…magic underwear and a complete lack of conscience.
It has been quite an amazing journey to be on this stage at this moment in history. In 1994 I ran for the Senate in Massachusetts. I lost that race but I always knew I was entitled to having power over millions of people so I never gave up. So, in 2002 I bought the office of Governor of Massachusetts, a period that remains a bit hazy in my memory but I believe while I was in that position I outlawed abortion and prevented Obamacare. After a brief return to the business community to position my finances so that I could better avoid paying taxes that finance this great nation, I began running to become President of the United States for the following seven years. What I’m trying to say is that in spite of my 14 years of running for and being in political office, I’m proud to be running as a businessman who’s a political outsider.
There are many reasons I could list for Americans voting for me but since none of them are very convincing, allow me to instead give you reasons that I should be elected as an unintended consequence of your voting against the current President. First, President Obama is a failure and when you consider all the companies I bankrupted and jobs I destroyed when I was at Bain Capital, believe me, I know failure when I see it. I don’t make the rules, it’s just the way things are that when the wealthy fail, they get bonuses but when the non-wealthy fail, they should be forced out of their jobs and not allowed to get unemployment insurance or medical care. Didn’t Jesus once say, “Blessed are the meek…but don’t get me started on how much they whine!”
Obama has failed this nation. He had only one Great Depression to reverse, it’s not like he had 20 of them to deal with. Three and a half years to fully transform a massively devastated global economy and in all that time, he couldn’t even do that? He may have inherited a few problems but he made everything worse. Really. You just have to trust me on this. Right now, you’d have a great job, a new house and a Porsche if not for Obama. I Mitt you not! I mean, how could I say that if it wasn’t true?
If I was President at the time, by refusing to bail out the auto industry, not doing a stimulus, not extending unemployment benefits, not passing Obamacare and covering millions of more Americans with health insurance, removing regulations on banks, killing Medicare as we know it and forcing seniors to pay $6,000 more a year for it, slashing government funding for the poor and social services, it’s clear that America would have bounced back stronger than it did thanks to Obama.
President Obama hates The Constitution, country western music, capitalism, pizza, bald eagles, mothers, puppies, freedom and even babies…and how can you vote for someone who hates babies? I mean, come on!
If elected President, I will keep all the vague and undefined promises that I’ve made to the American people! I will tell Americans the truth just as I have throughout this campaign…in fact, exactly in the same way I’ve told the truth in this campaign.
Many in the liberal media with their obsessive focus on “facts” and “details” have attacked me…yes, one of the entitled elite, if you can believe that gall, for not giving enough specifics on how I will make the country better. Well, I hope they’re listening now because here come the specifics!
I will protect the wealth of the middle class by letting the wealthy hold onto it for them for safekeeping!
I will address the issue of rising medical insurance by making more people ineligible for coverage and thus free from having to pay these rising costs!
I will protect a woman’s right to choose…the name of the baby we legally force her to have!
I will unshackle corporations to invest their money in American jobs in Malaysia, India and China!
I will deny Iran the ability to possess nuclear weapons by attacking them and forcing them to use them all up on Israel!
And above all, I will return America to that shining city on a hill just as George Bush did but even more so, with the understanding that what makes the city look like it’s shining is that it is engulfed in flames.
I have learned through my religious faith and my professional experience, there is no lie to big to be believed, no greed to big to be pursued and no people too educated to vote against their own futures and well being. With that in mind, I am proud to accept your nomination for the Presidency of the United States!”