I moved to Salt Lake City, UT for a job. I was divorced with two young girls. The job was great and within a year I was able to buy a twin home for the girls and me. We were excited! Only after we moved in did I learn that more than half of the homes had been purchased by the LDS Church. The church is very good about seeing to their own and helping families with more than 4 children get a home. Well, there were a lot of kids, let me tell you! My daughters friends were those of the other two single mothers that had moved into the neighborhood at the same time as me. We had know each other before the move. We had lived in the same apartment complex. Of course, we were looked at by others as if our horns were showing. Oh well, I was going to make the best of it.
While moving in and unpacking the door bill rang. I answered and found a man, woman, and a herd of children standing there. He said,”I am Brother Dan and this is my wife, Sister Joan and our children, Brother, Brother, Sister, Sister, Sister, and little Sister. (He named off all the names but you can get the drift I am sure.) We are here from the Ward to greet you and check how you will arrange your food storage.” Uh-uh?? “You are of the faith, aren’t you?” Un no. “Oh, may we talk to you about our church?.” No. “May I ask why?” Look, I just moved in and I am unpacking. With a look of disgust, they left.
Another month and the door bell rang, “Hello, I am Brother and this is my wife Sister, and Sister, Sister, Sister, Brother, Brother, and little Brother. We are here to check your food storage.” I looked at them cascading down my steps and said, I am not of your faith! He answered, “You are not Mormon and you live in our neighborhood? You don’t belong to our Ward?” Well, I didn’t know it was “your” neighborhood. He turned and shooed his family down the stairs and away.
Another month and the door bell rang, “Hello, I am Brother and this is Sister, and Sister, Brother, Sister, Brother, Sister, Brother, and little Sister and little Brother. We are here from the Ward to discuss the Book with you.” Look, I am not of your faith nor do I want to be. Could you please record that in your “Book”. With a look that could blow you through a wall, he gathered his brew and left.
A few days later the door bell rang, “Hello, I am Bishop Price from Ward (such and such) and I would like to talk with you.” Oh great Brother and Sister must have tattled to the main man on me. I answered that I was about to go out. He said, “Sally (He called me by my name!) I think it would be benefical for us to have a discussion.” I don’t think we have ever been introduced before. How do you know my name? He chuckled, “Why I know a great deal, Sally, and your daughters go to the school my children attend.” Well, I am sorry but I really don’t have the time and I don’t feel comfortable about this, so, if you don’t mind……”Perhaps it would be better if my wife and I came back later?” I really don’t think that is necessary. I don’t have any interest in your church. “But, your daughters might need…. ” I cut him off and said I don’t think so and really I have to go. Right then the phone rang. Sorry I have to go the phone is ringing and there is no need for you to come back and I shut the door. Wow, these people have a lot of nerve.
And, a few days later the door bell rang. Okay, now I have had it! I was so sick of this and going to let them know about it! I flung open the door and shouted, I am not Mormon! Got that?! Didn’t you see that big X in front of my curb? I’m sure they have put one there by now. I do not have a food storage! Well, I did just get back from Safeway and my cabinets are full. And, in them I have coffee and Pepsi! But, you aren’t going to look at them! I don’t play chess, so, I don’t know your Bishop from a Knight to a King! I don’t have any Brothers. I do have a Sister but she is in Missouri. I only have two kids and the baby factory is closed! The only Ward I belong to is Montgomery Wards and I have a credit card. I don’t want to see your Book and I am not interested in your church. I have my own Native American beliefs. We worship corn! And if you crossed my threshold you will be hit with a dead chicken! Now do you have all that? The lady looked at me and answered, “Yes, I think I got all that but would you still like to donate to the Heart Fund?” OMG! I stood there silent, finally. She started laughing and said, “They have really been bothering you?” Yes, and I am sorry. “No, don’t be. You have made my day!” Let me get my purse and I will donate to the Heart Fund. I pulled out a $20 and handed it to her while she was still laughing. She said, “I can’t wait to tell my girlfriends about you! Cross my threshold and you will be hit with a dead chicken. That is priceless. Thank you for the donation and the laughs. Take care, they will give up. But, if they should come back, please, please, use the dead chicken again!”
She left laughing all the way to her car and I crawled back into my house. And, they never came back again. They crossed to the other side of the street if they saw me but they never came to my door again.