They Rang My Bell

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I moved to Salt Lake City, UT for a job.  I was divorced with two young girls.  The job was great and within a year I was able to buy a twin home for the girls and me.  We were excited!  Only after we moved in did I learn that more than half of the homes had been purchased by the LDS Church.  The church is very good about seeing to their own and helping families with more than 4 children get a home.  Well, there were a lot of kids, let me tell you!  My daughters friends were those of the other two single mothers that had moved into the neighborhood at the same time as me.  We had know each other before the move.  We had lived in the same apartment complex.  Of course, we were looked at by others as if our horns were showing.  Oh well, I was going to make the best of it.

While moving in and unpacking the door bill rang.  I answered and found a man, woman, and a herd of children standing there.  He said,”I am Brother Dan and this is my wife, Sister Joan and our children, Brother, Brother, Sister, Sister, Sister, and little Sister. (He named off all the names but you can get the drift I am sure.)  We are here from the Ward to greet you and check how you will arrange your food storage.”  Uh-uh??  “You are of the faith, aren’t you?”  Un no.  “Oh, may we talk to you about our church?.”  No.  “May I ask why?”  Look, I just moved in and I am unpacking.  With a look of disgust, they left.

Another month and the door bell rang, “Hello, I am Brother and this is my wife Sister, and Sister, Sister, Sister, Brother, Brother, and little Brother.  We are here to check your food storage.”  I looked at them cascading down my steps and said, I am not of your faith!  He answered, “You are not Mormon and you live in our neighborhood?  You don’t belong to our Ward?”  Well, I didn’t know it was “your” neighborhood.  He turned and shooed his family down the stairs and away.

Another month and the door bell rang, “Hello, I am Brother and this is Sister, and Sister, Brother, Sister, Brother, Sister, Brother, and little Sister and little Brother.  We are here from the Ward to discuss the Book with you.”  Look, I am not of your faith nor do I want to be.  Could you please record that in your “Book”.  With a look that could blow you through a wall, he gathered his brew and left.

A few days later the door bell rang, “Hello, I am Bishop Price from Ward (such and such) and I would like to talk with you.”  Oh great Brother and Sister must have tattled to the main man on me.  I answered that I was about to go out.  He said, “Sally (He called me by my name!) I think it would be benefical for us to have a discussion.”  I don’t think we have ever been introduced before.  How do you know my name?  He chuckled, “Why I know a great deal, Sally, and your daughters go to the school my children attend.”  Well, I am sorry but I really don’t have the time and I don’t feel comfortable about this, so, if you don’t mind……”Perhaps it would be better if my wife and I came back later?”  I really don’t think that is necessary.  I don’t have any interest in your church.  “But,  your daughters might need…. ”  I cut him off and said I don’t think so and really I have to go.  Right then the phone rang.  Sorry I have to go the phone is ringing and there is no need for you to come back and I shut the door.  Wow, these people have a lot of nerve.

And, a few days later the door bell rang.  Okay, now I have had it!  I was so sick of this and going to let them know about it!  I flung open the door and shouted, I am not Mormon!  Got that?!  Didn’t you see that big X in front of my curb?  I’m  sure they have put one there by now.  I do not have a food storage!  Well, I did just get back  from Safeway and my cabinets are full.  And, in them I have coffee and Pepsi!  But, you aren’t going to look at them!  I don’t play chess, so, I don’t know your Bishop from a Knight to a King!  I don’t have any Brothers.  I do have a Sister but she is in Missouri.  I only have two kids and the baby factory is closed!  The only Ward I belong to is Montgomery Wards and I have a credit card.  I don’t want to see your Book and I am not interested in your church.  I have my own Native American beliefs.  We worship corn!  And if you crossed my threshold you will be hit with a dead chicken!  Now do you have all that?  The lady looked at me and answered, “Yes, I think I got all that but would you still like to donate to the Heart Fund?”   OMG!  I stood there silent, finally.  She started laughing and said, “They have really been bothering you?”  Yes, and I am sorry.  “No, don’t be.  You have made my day!”  Let me get my purse and I will donate to the Heart Fund.  I pulled out a $20 and handed it to her while she was still laughing.  She said, “I can’t wait to tell my girlfriends about you!  Cross my threshold and you will be hit with a dead chicken.  That is priceless.   Thank you for the donation and the laughs.  Take care, they will give up.  But, if they should come back, please, please, use the dead chicken again!”

She left laughing all the way to her car and I crawled back into my house.   And, they never came back again.  They crossed to the other side of the street if they saw me but they never came to my door again.

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Khirad
8 years ago

You know what is so annoying about the LDS missionaries? They’re so damn nice. They’ve got the sell down. And the niceness is creepy.

Of course, the run of the mill brothers on a bicycle doing their mandatory mission around the neighborhood isn’t so bad. They just say, “would you like…” you say “no” and they only seem too happy to be on to the next door and get their rite of passage over with.

Khirad
8 years ago
Reply to  SallyT

Well yes, of course. In Utah it would kind of be redundant.

KQµårk 死神
8 years ago

Great story Sally. Thanks for sharing it. I just don’t open the door when I see people in white shirts and ties holding books but that’s just anti-social me.

That said I guess it’s better than the way my wife’s family was invited in a previously all white neighborhood in VA during the ’80’s with a burning cross on their front lawn. Ah don’t ya miss the Reagan years?

Kalima
Admin
8 years ago

You certainly scared them off Sally, well done. I had a similar experience with Jehovah’s Witnesses over here, and eventually called their Head Office here in Tokyo to give them a mouthful.

Some have started to come again, so I pick up the phone for the bell, and just say “I’m Roman Catholic, goodbye”. When that didn’t work, I now answer them in German. 🙂

Sorry I couldn’t reply to the email, but my outgoing mail isn’t connected to The Planet yet. The last time I tried I lost almost 3,000 emails. Your post looked fine to me.

Khirad
8 years ago
Reply to  Kalima

Ah, the great “I don’t understand” play in another language. How to think of any better dodge than that?

Kalima
Admin
8 years ago
Reply to  Khirad

Aha, but if they do understand German, they won’t be coming again. I don’t waste my time being polite in any language if they come more than once to my door. 😉

Khirad
8 years ago
Reply to  SallyT

My best friend from High School who was an atheist married a Jehovah’s Witness, there’s quite a few in upper Clark County.

His FB info now lists him as Roman Catholic (as he had lapsed after meeting me, mwahaha). I haven’t talked with him about it, but I’m guessing he said, fine, we’ll raise the kids Christian, but not in your loony church.

KillgoreTrout
8 years ago
Reply to  Khirad

Khirad, there is a big JW population in Seattle. I think their headquarters is just outside the city.

jjgravitas
jjgravitas
8 years ago

Proselytizers. Gotta love ’em (not). Makes me wonder how all the other non-Mormons get by in that city. Do they have a club (non-Mormans Anonymous or something)?

Khirad
8 years ago
Reply to  SallyT

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFuoVQ4NRMc

The problem is that the wine and beer they sell at restaurants might as well be non-alcoholic it’s so low, less than 5% in beer, and the wine tastes like water.

This will change too though. The barn door has opened and isn’t going back.

Khirad
8 years ago
Reply to  SallyT

Oh wow, I only knew of one girl in school that even approached that. Most of them dressed like any other teenage girl.

Only time I saw that big frilly dress thing was at a Denny’s in Flagstaff, where the whole big family looked FLDS.

kesmarn
Admin
8 years ago

😆 Sally, I’m sure they thought you had a cauldron in the basement and were muttering incantations over a dead chicken in it. Or what we Hungarians refer to as cooking…

Like KT, I used to be on the Jehovah’s Witness route. Fortunately I had a helpful neighbor whose house came before mine on their rounds. She would always call me. “Jehovah’s Witness Alert! Lock your doors; they’re headed in your direction.” So I would just lock up and refuse to answer the bell. Lifesaver!

kesmarn
Admin
8 years ago
Reply to  SallyT

Yes! I was gonna mention that, Sally. You’re both beautiful.

😆 And the image of you (mentioned below) mowing the lawn with a rubber chicken attached to your waist is too funny!

KillgoreTrout
8 years ago

LOL! Thanks Sally for the laugh. That’s a pretty funny story. I used to get bothered by Jehova’s Witnesses, and they too just didn’t understand the word “no.” Finally, after several visits, or invasions, I told them I was a Satanist! That seemed to do the trick, because they never came back.