‘Twas The Newt Before Christmas – A Political Parody

‘Twas the Newt before Christmas, when all through the race,
Not a Romney was stirring, so Newt’s in first place.
The polling was hung by the websites with care,
In hopes that St. Newtolas soon would be there.

The Right Wing were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Orwell plots danced in their heads.
And Romney in his flip-flops, and Newt in his spite,
Had just settled in for a long winter’s fight.

When out on the stump there arose such a clatter,
Mitt sprang from his limo to see what’s the matter.
Away to the newsstand he flew like a flash,
Tore open the front page and threw up in cash.

The mark of the beast in the new fallen polls
Gave the “L” of a “Loser” on Romney’s big goals.
When, what to his robotic eyes should appear,
But his surrogates’ slaying Newt’s prospects next year.

With a little old reptile, so vicious, a brute,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Newt.
More fetid than skunk spray his voters they came,
And he ranted, and shouted, and called them by name!

“Now Racist! now, Hateful! now, Sexist and Dimwit!
On, Hubris! On, Ego! On Boastful and Bullshit!
To the top of the polls! To the top of the fence!
Now bash away! Bash away! Bash away sense!”

As falsehoods that before the wild primaries fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So on to the Fox shows these candidates flew,
With their bags full of lies, and some slanderous too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the news
The pounding and scraping of each pundit’s shoes.
As they spewed in outrage, with heads turning ’round,
Down the home stretch St. Newtolas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in slime, from his head to his foot,
And his soul was all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of lies he had flung out as flack,
And he looked like a con man, just preparing his smack.

His eyes, how they narrowed! His dough face, how scary!
His cheeks were like melons, his breath smelled of sherry!
His cruel little mouth was drawn thin like a thread,
And the twin of his chin was as fat as his head.

This stump of a man, he held tight to his lead,
And the fear it inspired was funny indeed.
Newt had a broad face and a large and round belly,
Mitt’s losing to him turned his brain into jelly!

He was dumpy and slumped, a right slobby old troll,
And Mitt sighed when he saw him, “And I’m an asshole?”
A glare of Newt’s eye and the swell of his head,
Soon gave Mitt to know he had so much to dread.

He spoke angry words to force poor kids to work,
To clean up school toilets, what a mammoth jerk.
And vowing repent, despite all his woes,
He’s given a nod, up the the caucus he rose!

He sprang to his cruise, to his team gave a finger,
And away they all flew from this lazy Right Winger.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he sailed out of reach,
“I taught God all he knows and have more left to teach!”

An early Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza (and any other holidays I missed) greeting to all of our fellow Planeteers and kind readers, from PlanetPOV!