‘Twas the Newt before Christmas, when all through the race,
Not a Romney was stirring, so Newt’s in first place.
The polling was hung by the websites with care,
In hopes that St. Newtolas soon would be there.

The Right Wing were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Orwell plots danced in their heads.
And Romney in his flip-flops, and Newt in his spite,
Had just settled in for a long winter’s fight.

When out on the stump there arose such a clatter,
Mitt sprang from his limo to see what’s the matter.
Away to the newsstand he flew like a flash,
Tore open the front page and threw up in cash.

The mark of the beast in the new fallen polls
Gave the “L” of a “Loser” on Romney’s big goals.
When, what to his robotic eyes should appear,
But his surrogates’ slaying Newt’s prospects next year.

With a little old reptile, so vicious, a brute,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Newt.
More fetid than skunk spray his voters they came,
And he ranted, and shouted, and called them by name!

“Now Racist! now, Hateful! now, Sexist and Dimwit!
On, Hubris! On, Ego! On Boastful and Bullshit!
To the top of the polls! To the top of the fence!
Now bash away! Bash away! Bash away sense!”

As falsehoods that before the wild primaries fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So on to the Fox shows these candidates flew,
With their bags full of lies, and some slanderous too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the news
The pounding and scraping of each pundit’s shoes.
As they spewed in outrage, with heads turning ’round,
Down the home stretch St. Newtolas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in slime, from his head to his foot,
And his soul was all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of lies he had flung out as flack,
And he looked like a con man, just preparing his smack.

His eyes, how they narrowed! His dough face, how scary!
His cheeks were like melons, his breath smelled of sherry!
His cruel little mouth was drawn thin like a thread,
And the twin of his chin was as fat as his head.

This stump of a man, he held tight to his lead,
And the fear it inspired was funny indeed.
Newt had a broad face and a large and round belly,
Mitt’s losing to him turned his brain into jelly!

He was dumpy and slumped, a right slobby old troll,
And Mitt sighed when he saw him, “And I’m an asshole?”
A glare of Newt’s eye and the swell of his head,
Soon gave Mitt to know he had so much to dread.

He spoke angry words to force poor kids to work,
To clean up school toilets, what a mammoth jerk.
And vowing repent, despite all his woes,
He’s given a nod, up the the caucus he rose!

He sprang to his cruise, to his team gave a finger,
And away they all flew from this lazy Right Winger.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he sailed out of reach,
“I taught God all he knows and have more left to teach!”

An early Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza (and any other holidays I missed) greeting to all of our fellow Planeteers and kind readers, from PlanetPOV!  

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James Michael Brodie
Member

I, too, am in the holiday spirit. With that, I sumbmit with apologies to Julie Andrews…

Lily Ledbetter
And getting Bin Laden
Closing the donut hole
Troops out of Iraq
Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is a thing of the past
That’s why Obama kicks GOP a…..

Out of work slowing
Economy growing
Car business saved
So the autos keep flowing
Terrorists worldwide have all seen their last
That’s why Obama kicks GOP a…..

When Mitt flip flops
When Newt pops off
When Rick pulls a gaffe
I simply remember my favorite Prez
Obama in 2012…

choicelady
Member

This morning NPR’s “Wait, Wait – Don’t Tell Me” had one panelist’s PERFECT comment: “This candidacy is like a horror film sequence. Just when you thought he was gone…HE’S BA-A-A-A-CK!!!!!!”

Cue the slasher music. It’s all begun again!

Kalima
Admin

This is absolutely wonderful AdLib, it fits the miserable, selfish, and boring old sod to a T. The red costume fits too, doesn’t the Devil wear red?

SallyT
Member

AdLib, Clement C. Moore would be proud! I have found that new commerical that is airing of Santa Claus choosing from all his Mercedes which one to take a little much. Who put Santa in the 1%? Anyway, enjoyed yours!

funksands
Member

Ad, this was really funny. Thanks for the chuckles! Newt’s candidacy reminds me of the movie Christmas Story.

The part I’m thinking of is when the dad finally gets the “award” delivered in this huge crate, everyone is excited to see what’s in it….then he pulls out the leg lamp.

He’s thrilled, his wife is aghast. He proudly displays the monstrosity in the window of the house until one fateful day when his wife “accidentally” breaks it.

Half of the GOP has rationalized themselves into loving the Gingrich candidacy, the other half are horrified and are trying to figure out how to “break” it.

All of which makes me laugh just as much as your post did. 🙂

KQµårk 死神
Member

Genius analogy. Can’t wait to see “A Christmas Story” a zillion times before this Christmas and laugh every time they replay those scenes.

SueInCa
Member

Funk

You mean the package marked “frageela”?

funksands
Member

🙂 That’s the one!!!

Newt is very “frageeleh” LOL

SueInCa
Member

Adlib

This is OT but I figured it was the best place to put it so you would see it. Thom Hartman tweeted it today. Americans Elect remember?

httpsmsnbc
://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NLjt1UwBMWU&feature=player_embedded

http://presspass.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/12/08/9297844-press-pass-americans-elect

CEO Kahlil Byrd and COO Elliot Ackerman of Americans Elect discuss their new organization and their efforts to create an avenue for a directly elected nonpartisan ticket in future American elections.

They raised 22 million from 50 donors

MurphTheSurf3
Editor

Sue..read the Ad Lib article, and then watched the Gregory interview….as usual MSM playing ball with bold faced liars without a challenge. How to spread the word? Got to figure this one out.

I am going to try spreading the word to four other blogs I now well.

Gotto bust this wide open.

KQµårk 死神
Member

Obama truly wanted to be a post partisan president. Where did that get him?

I’m sick of the right wing in America. The idea that the left partisans are the trouble is nonsense bought into by the MSM.

Like Murph said I’d have to see what they really want to accomplish which could be just a campaign to undermine Democrats.

MurphTheSurf3
Editor

Hey Sue,

I was really intrigued when I first caught word on this effort.

Who is drawn to such a group? From what I read, progressve independents are among the most attracted.

Nader Part II? Gore lost Florida and Nader’s votes would have broken heavily for him……This site is more likely to be a spoiler which makes me wonder who is behind it.

That’s what I fear.

Do you have a better felling about this than I do?

SueInCa
Member

American’s Elect – A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing?

Murph
Try this one Adlib wrote here, I am going to read it and see if it needs an update or will let it stand. I have a feeling Adlib pretty well covered it all.

MurphTheSurf3
Editor

It is a good article, actually great, but the word is not on the streets. I think this is important. What is a Deval Patrick associate doing in this?

SueInCa
Member

Murph

Khalil Byrd is on the CFR as a term member. You know what I am going to write a post on this.

MurphTheSurf3
Editor

Sue….I would be very interested in whatever you find out and in your own insights on this. Is this Byrd the one associated with Mass. Gov. Deval Patrick?

Maybe these folks have good intentions but their efforts could create a real mess.

SueInCa
Member

Yes, it is the same Byrd. I will see what I come up with.

SueInCa
Member

No Murph I don’t. The only thing to do is to expose them anyway we can. I can do it on twitter and facebook. Twitter I do everyday, FB maybe once a week.

Questinia
Member

You are you’re usual font! Devoting an extra stanza on Newt’s dewlap added cheer.

KillgoreTrout
Member

Sorry kids, no toys this year. St. Newtolas has his elves cleaning toilets in schools all over the world!

KillgoreTrout
Member

Kudos AdLib. Well done sir! My favorite stanza;

“His eyes, how they narrowed! His dough face, how scary!
His cheeks were like melons, his breath smelled of sherry!
His cruel little mouth was drawn thin like a thread,
And the twin of his chin was as fat as his head.”

AlphaBitch
Member
AlphaBitch

Fave line: And the twin of his chin was as fat as his head.

Classic. Classy. Puro AdLib

KillgoreTrout
Member

I agree AB. That’s a great line.

AlphaBitch
Member
AlphaBitch

Thought about making a cup w/ Stay Puft man and Newt side by side. Still mulling it over, but I’d hate to have it ruin my cocoa……

Caru
Member

AdLib, you’ve certainly got a knack for this!

KQµårk 死神
Member

psl Brilliant AdLib! Another gem.

jjgravitas
Member
jjgravitas

Make your Drooltide gay, and many thanx to the GOP for all the noise noise noise noise noise! :mrgreen:

SueInCa
Member

Adlib
Great piece once again. I will say it again, I wish I had the gift of humor and creativity like you and others do around here. Retweeted for you too.

MurphTheSurf3
Editor

FESTIVUS
FOR
THE
REST
OF
US

And we have a poem to attach to it….

Best lines:
“Now Racist! now, Hateful! now, Sexist and Dimwit!
On, Hubris! On, Ego! On Boastful and Bullshit!
To the top of the polls! To the top of the fence!
Now bash away! Bash away! Bash away sense!”

Thanks for this bit of inspired and biting sarcasm.

As for Obama- Ho(pe)! Ho(pe)! Ho(pe)!

kesmarn
Admin

Oh, Adlib! This is delicious! I have to share it with my fellow libs (and maybe a few cons, too).

You have been and remain the unmatched Master of Planetary Parody. Please keep ’em coming!