The mascots for the two major political parties in our country are both animals, one of which represents being big and powerful, the other that symbolizes stubbornness. Even when it comes to mascots, the Demorcrats mess it up. I mean, a donkey? What, did the Libertarians already take the possum?
And we can’t let the Repubs off so easy for choosing an elephant. Something that is flat footed, consumes everything in sight and constantly produces the biggest piles of crap.
When thinking about the historical connection between animals and politics, it occurred to me that each of the GOP candidates should have their own mascots as well, to provide a simple and expressive symbol of their candidacy and who they really are. So, done purely as a public service, I offer the following match-ups for your consideration:
Mitt Romney – The Chameleon
Chameleons are a distinctive and highly specialized type of reptile. They use their color-changing ability to blend in with their surroundings, as an effective form of camouflage and to avoid being attacked by enemies. Chameleons have specialized feet that allow them to climb away from nearly any position they find themselves in that endangers them. They are generally known to support universal health care except when it makes them stand out from their surroundings.
Rick Perry – The Dodo
The Dodo was not the brightest bird, it was entirely fearless of people which left it totally clueless when its subsequent destruction occurred. A flightless bird with limited abilities, it was unable to take off and escape danger. It’s meat was known to be tough and leave a bad taste in one’s mouth. As its familiar environment was encroached upon, including a favorite hunting area titled with a name insulting to African Americans, the Dodo eventually became extinct…or moved to somewhere in Texas which at that time considered to be the same thing.
Ron Paul – The Moth
The young that hatch from a moth’s conception end up eating away at the fabric of the place they call home, creating holes in clothes and sometimes social programs. That can result in a colder environment for those who otherwise depended on those things to protect them. Moths are greatly attracted to flames and the glare of the spotlight, they never change their behavior no matter how they may get burned from repeating it. Their favorite author is Ayn Rand and their favorite food is government issued sweaters.
Herman Cain – The Gopher
Gophers can live and function unseen, until they finally pop up. They disrupt human plans through their underground activities, routinely undermining, destroying and devouring the property of people. Especially Muslims. This has led to their frequent treatment as pests. Due to their working mostly underground, when they surface, it is difficult for them to see things in the world around them…but that doesn’t stop them from proposing tax plans that are an inversion of the mark of the Anti-Christ. They’re also furry.
Michele Bachmann – The Clownfish
Clownfish typically surround themselves with poison, living in harmony with sea anemones. In a group of clownfish, there is a strict dominance hierarchy. The largest and most aggressive female is found at the top. Clownfish are sequential hermaphrodites, meaning that they develop into males first, and when they mature, they become females and may open up clinics to help other Clownfish to “pray away the gay”.
Rick Santorum – The Chihuahua
Though insignificant in stature, Chihuahuas can be ill tempered and easily provoked to attack. They are therefore generally unsuitable for homes with small children and those who may not want small children. They do not always get along with other breeds and tend to have a “clannish” nature, often preferring the companionship of other Chihuahuas over other dogs (including Blue Dogs) and fellow Tea Party members. It is not recommended to Google their name on the internet if one has delicate sensibilities. They also have very small penises.
Newt Gingrich – The Dung Beetle (“The Newt” was too easy)
Dung beetles are beetles that thrive exclusively on feces. Some are rollers, noted for shaping dung into spherical balls and rolling them out as political platforms. Other dung beetles, known as tunnelers, bury the dung wherever they find it and declare it a grass roots “movement”. A third group, the dwellers, neither roll nor burrow: they simply live in manure…these beetles are more colloquially known as “Republican Voters”.
Jon Huntsman – The Male Black Widow
Male Black Widows don’t carry the same poison as others, aren’t known for aggressive behavior and don’t represent a threat to anyone. They seek to consummate what they are driven to pursue but once they do, they often end up being devoured by their own kind. They don’t drink coffee or alcohol and believe that the Garden of Eden was in Missouri…likely where Branson is today but there were fewer matinee performances back then.
When it comes to this field of GOP nominees, it really is a jungle out there.