On Why Dogs Are Better Than Cats

The poor dog, in life the firmest friend. The first to welcome, foremost to defend.
~Lord Byron

But if you really want to learn about life, get a cat. The way I think people should relate to animals is with a cat. Because the world is his.
~James Cromwell

Really, I don’t even know how this is a contest. Man’s most faithful and loving friend, versus the most arrogant creature on the face of the planet. But I get that there are cat lovers out there. There are people who greatly admire and love the independence and distinctive personalities of cats. I do not. Did I get a pet or a roommate? If you don’t like the food, don’t eat it! You don’t have to slide the fucking bowl off the counter, then stare at me like I’m the problem! Goddamn cat. So let’s get into a little bit of history on each contender before we wade into the heavily biased(at least I admit it) pros and cons. Let us begin with the cagy asshole we know better as the cat.

The domestic cat is hardly domesticated. Unlike dogs, cats show no  concern with forming  a bond or mutual relationship with humans. This has led to much debate about the origins of their association with humans. The modern domestic cat is closely related to other small cats in the wild, like wildcats, belonging to the same class of feline. Domestic cats apparently have not evolved much more differently than their companions in the wild. It is a widely held belief that most domestic cats can survive in the wild if need be since they have retained most, if not all, of the predatory methods, tools, and instincts of their brethren in the wild, and don’t have the attachment to humans that dogs have. An early theory for the coming together of cats and humans was that many people trained certain breeds of cat to hunt vermin in their cities. An idea that doesn’t have much support since cats show an unwillingness to simply be ordered to do something.

More likely, they just casually became accepting of humans as they hunted the vermin anyways.  The rise of cities led to many free meals in the streets and gutters. Eventually humans began to accept the cats and this is when it is believed that they became “domesticated”. Probably the only time it was ever a mutual decision.

Cat domestication probably precedes Ancient Egypt, but Egyptians basically wrote the book on it. They didn’t just love cats, they literally worshiped them as sacred animals. The Romans too. It was cat fancy all day,everyday. Still, it was mostly generations of wildcats who gradually adopted city life. Over the centuries domesticated cats grew slightly more docile than their counterparts in the wild and by the 19th century cat breeding was a big deal. Selective breeding from that point on produced most all the variety of cats we see today. Cats developed multitudes of colors and patterns on their fur and began exhibiting distinctive personalities regarding breed. One positive thing I can say about cats, they are definitely the most interesting domesticated animal we have. It is very much a stereotype but only because there is some truth to it. Cats just seem smarter and more “with it” than dogs do. A dog’s whole world is you. Cat’s do not exhibit that limitation. Their association with humans, very often, is on their terms. But there are affectionate cats. Again speaking to the multitude of personalities they exhibit. Many times cats will ignore attention given but then initiate it him or herself later. When they feel like it or it interests them.

O.K., enough about those nosy felines. Let’s talk dogs. Dogs are the direct descendents of wolves. Most likely the gray wolf of Europe and Asia. The wolves already built in sense of social structure most likely made it far easier to domesticate them and instilled them with an accepting, playful nature. Though they probably began, like cats, with various unintentional interactions with humans, they were far easier to instruct and more willing to accept obedience. Dog packs were a common part of hunting groups and this shared experience most likely tightened the bonds between humans and dogs. Despite stereotypes we eluded to earlier, dogs are an incredibly smart animal. Exhibiting cognitive association and memory ability on par with human children. Their most vaunted trait, their fierce loyalty, is also inherited from their wolf ancestors. Wolf packs are highly organized, structured groups that require loyalty and trust. Wolfs who abandon their duties or overstep their bounds are dealt with harshly.

Dogs were primarily hunters and herders. In early society this included many things. They earned the name “man’s best friend” since they were so prevalent in human life. They packed weight, served as guards, and always acted faithfully to the best of their ability and training. Like cats, it wasn’t until the 19th or even 20th centuries that breeds of dogs began to become more diverse. Post WW 2, pet dogs became extremely popular and more “indoor” varieties began to be bred. The characteristics of dogs are an almost silly playfulness and a deeply trusting nature. There are no bad dogs. No mean dogs. Only bad owners.

Now let’s look at the pros and cons of each animal. As though there were any cons to a dog. But let’s take  a look.

DOGS:

Pros – “Him’s a big sweety, yes him is! Who’s a good boy?! Huh?! Who’s a good boy?! Yes you are!  Yes you are! That’s a good good boy!”

Cons – “Did you get in the garbage?! That was  a bad boy! You know better than that! Oh, I can’t stay mad at you! Come’ere and get yourself  a big ol’ hug!”

CATS:

Pros – Well, they’re clean. They pretty much take care 9f themselves in most cases. Uhhh…. lemme see …….. Garfield?

Cons – You’re petting their head and everything seems fine, but then they bite you! And don’t give me the “that’s a problem with you” routine ’cause it ain’t just me.  The arrogance. OH MY GOD I’LL KILL HIM! Seriously! It’s the SAME THING! Just because it isn’t Purina you won’t eat it! EAT IT! No! Don’t you push that on the floor! Don’t you – GODDAMNIT!!!  Fine. I will go to the store and buy the fucking Purina. YOU DON’T OWN ME!

WINNER: Dogs!

Obviously we see that the pros for the dog far outweigh those for the cat. Sure a purring cat resting on your lap is a peaceful thing, but that 5 minutes of clawing that comes before it gets old real quick. And cats are terrible at fetch. They just keep the thing and play with it themselves. Assholes!

Now, I’m sure this is a controversial outcome for many but I assure you only the most scientific methods were used for determining that dogs rule and cats drool.