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AdLib On February - 19 - 2011

As some here are aware, I not only have a personal relationship with God, we’ve fanned each other.

Once again, He has asked me to publish His latest blog at The Planet. So without further “a dieu”, here it is:

God’s Blog – 2-19-2011

When people think of “the bad place”, if they’re not referring to KFC, they’re usually referring to Hell. Personally, I actually like Hell. You can’t beat their saunas and interestingly, they have great Thai food.

Contrary to popular belief, Satan does not have horns nor a tail, he looks like any other corporate CEO. His face isn’t red though it is very tan and an unusual color I like to call “Bohngerine”.

There is indeed fire and brimstone and people languishing in eternal torment but hey, it’s not supposed to be Sandals.

In Hell, what’s going on is represented honestly and accurately, no need for the equivalent of Fox News there to repackage the truth, though I have seen the suite that’s prepared for Rupert Murdoch when he arrives and…well…I hope he doesn’t have anything too valuable or breakable in his chest.

IMO, it’s not Hell that’s the most terrible place to be, it’s Purgatory.

First of all, the wait to get on any of the rides is endless then when you get to the front of the line, it’s just the start of another line (there actually aren’t any rides, just lines for rides).

Architecturally, its design is based on the typical DMV only less efficient. Those arriving are told to stand in line until their number is called yet they only call out letters.

While waiting, most people get into conversations with others and the topic is usually politics or who was hotter, Ginger or Mary Ann. As you might imagine, the folks who find themselves in Purgatory are not necessarily the most professorial debaters, the phrases “assbiter” and “dickwad” are the more popular tools of critical debate there, aside from sacks of manure and large wooden mallets.

Being Purgatory, such “debates” never end and are always joined by new arrivals on either side (you can tell they’re new arrivals because their clothes are not yet moist from the projection of excess spittle from those debating).

The ferocity of these debates is fascinating and those debating appear both inexhaustible and weary at the same time. Fortunately, the roving Pejorative Salesmen can come in handy when most needed.

The topics of the debates are, in the end, irrelevant. It is all about the fight which both sides are convinced, is a matter of life and death (er…time to resurrect and smell the coffee). If you mosey through the lines of fiercely debating crowds, you’ll hear bits and pieces of their angrily contested debates and it’s actually quite amusing despite their urgent and earnest outrage .

A sample of various debate snippets from my recent visit:


“So what you’re really saying is that you hate America and Jesus but love cannibalism! Yes you are, yes you are!”

“You’re an ass! I won’t even say you’re an asshole because I like assholes!”

“Bullshit! Reagan would totally beat the living shit out of  MLK!”

“Fuck you and you and you and you and you and…who are you? Ah, fuck you anyway.”

You get the idea. And as offensive as some of the above might be to you, look whose image they think they’re made in? Not exactly flattering, you know?

What’s fascinating is that after some have done their time and I invite them to leave…some don’t want to go. They’ve become addicted to the conflict…and the cocaine laced cans of Red Bull served by scantily clad Kardashians. In fact, the one time that both sides of such violent debates take a brief respite and come together, is to jointly attack anyone who agrees to accompany me to Heaven.

The cries of “Traitor!”, “Coward” and “Goat Fondler!” are frequently hurled at those who have grown tired of the endless and pointless vitriol. Whichever side they’re on, they’re accused of abandoning “The Good Fight” (“Good” apparently refers to frequently accusing people of having had sexual encounters with the matriarch of their family…for some reason, fathers are never represented as “getting any” in this way…which must make them feel quite neglected and frustrated…sometimes inspiring them to hurl that same insult and the Circle of Misogyny is complete).

Once in Heaven, those who had become completely absorbed by Purgatory, believing it to be the Alpha and Omega of existence (and more often the Delta House), gain perspective at an astonish rate and then need to excuse themselves to the restroom where the sounds of yacking up echo out for at least an hour.

Human beings were designed for conflict. Well, actually they were designed for off roading but that’s a whole other blog. There is an element of purpose and raison d’etre it brings out in people. The problem is, that can be very enticing and addictive. When some become accustomed to the adrenaline rush and conflict in and of itself, it can actually become their only true motivation and goal.

Santayana is well known for saying, “Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.” (I’m glad he took my advice and removed the second half of that quote that mentioned penis size).

There are many in Purgatory who are not at all like this, who are wise and reasoned people I smile upon and shouldn’t be lumped in with the subset I refer to. However, those in Purgatory who shout to their colleagues, “Let’s save the world, yell angrily at the enemy!”, are simply filling themselves and their lives with ultimately futile rage.

Yet, they are where they choose to be and truly believe that what they’re doing has a noble purpose. Who’s to say that they would be happier or more fulfilled being anywhere else?

Other than me, that is.

Written by AdLib

My motto is, "It is better to have blogged and lost hours of your day, than never to have blogged at all."

182 Responses so far.

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  1. Foxhole Atheist says:

    Dear God,

    As I’m sure you know, Washington State has the longitudinal equivalent to the Mason-Dixon line, otherwise known as the Cascade Mountian Range. A three hour drive east out of Seattle puts me in the middle of Jesusland(unless its a weekday afternoon, then it puts me in Bellevue). I know there is plenty of fine land for grazing, but can you move your flock of sheep elsewhere?


    Western Washington

  2. KillgoreTrout says:

    Well, your righteouness, I for one will never forgive you for booting us out of the garden. And that whole rib thing that resulted in me having to take out the trash each evening was not at all funny. Don’t get me wrong, I love the bumpy creature, but she has a tendency to hang out with snakes. And BTW, what good is a garden if you can’t eat the apples? I now, I know, apples grow in orchards and not gardens. So why not set up your scam in the Orchard of Eden? Hmmmmmmmmmm?

  3. escribacat says:

    Oh God you are a hoot. Please remind me, which religion do I need to sign up for to skip that Purgatory thingie?

  4. Chernynkaya says:

    “Oh God! You who art so big
    So absoLUTEly huge
    Gosh—we’re all really impressed I can tell you!”

    And, BTW—Thanks to Lucifer too! I thought Purgatory was the baggage carousel at LAX. But I see now that Purgatory is merely the state where EVERYTHING is forever “Pending.”

  5. St James says:

    Good Morning God/AdLib…All I can say is: I hope you get paid to write…this is fantastic.

  6. Truth says:

    Dear God,

    can you please tell AdLib that I’m really hoping for the replies to be on one site, especially the new ones… I lose so much time roaming around here to find the answers I have received from people and still I miss some, because I forget on which articles exactly I have been on a given day. And oh! While we’re at it, please ask him also if page numbers can be installed….it is so much easier to jump back in a thread if I can just click on the numbers.

    Now I don’t know if that technically is possible with wordpress. If yes, please let him find a way to install this… If not, let the donations to this site flow big time in order to get the necessary program…. But wait a minute, what am I saying, the donations can come in in abundance anyway, it’s certainly money well invested.

    Dear God, to ease AdLibs and the other administrators workloads, please see to it that there are no more server glitches from now on and that everything else is going smoothly too so that this reply thingy is created soon… If he has been too busy with other stuff, please remind him that he asked me to specify at the Help Desk what I mean by “organizing the comments”. By now my answer has moved quite far down, wait, I think I saw it on page 3 right now….but it is still there…..

    Oh God, isn’t it exhausting to be you? I’m really sorry to bother you with that minor issue, but since I neglect too many of my duties currently by hanging out here too much I thought I give it another shot. Thank you so much for all your gifts to me, Yours, Truth

  7. DawgBone says:

    Hell is actually a tiny room where you are forced to listen to Glenn Beck recordings.


  8. BigDogMom says:

    Morning God, I was going to ask if you read my mind about those who insist on “fighting the GOOD FIGHT” over there in purgatory, but then I just bonked myself in the head and said to myself, “Well yes, you idiot, this is HE who sees all and hears all.” It’s early, have not had enough coffee this morning…forgive me, which I know you will do!

    But didn’t you say awhile back, that there was a purpose for everything, that there was some semblance of order to that “grand plan” of yours? That maybe we need those who stay in “purgatory” to show some of us the futility and hypocrisy that goes on over there to move some of us to “over here”?

    Just my thoughts, you know me, always questioning WHY…

    While I’ve got you ear, just want to thank you for waking the people up in Wisconsin, Ohio and other States on the evils of not going out to vote. Or for voting for someone who promises the moon and the stars, and believing them, but instead deems you to a life in a hellish servitude. It is a hard lesson for us to learn, but one we needed to learn in order to move forward.

    That yes, even though you have given us freedom of choice, it is those choices that determine whether our lives here on earth are Heaven or are Hell…or to be stuck in purgatory.

  9. ghsts says:

    I don’t know who this god fellow thinks he is but anyone who has been lucky enough to catch 18″ of fresh powder at 8am on The Face or Ladies Waist knows that Grand Targhee Idaho is heaven, there are no lines and the only thing people yell is “This is Freaken Awesome!” Wyoming it’s neighbor which has produce some of the most vile politicians in history was also the first state to ratify suffrage, and is equally angelic in it distance from DC. Equally hypocritical like the writer of that blog.

    For all those youngens out there(an I ain’t that old) it is hell-arious to note that I have seen all this movie before and in ends with Reagan in the white house. Long live free market politics, sell’em out then join the club.

  10. PepeLepew says:

    Hell, Purgatory or Idaho…?


    Tough one.

    … reallllly tough one.

  11. Questinia says:

    Funny how Purgatory sounds a lot like the Huffington Post.

  12. ChrisR266 says:

    I gotta admit, I miss purgatory. I was so hoping to wait off some minor sinning there.

  13. deygirl says:

    If there is a god, I imagine he’s screaming, “That’s not what I MEANT!”

  14. KQuark says:

    😆 great work and you know I’m a sucker for Terry Gilliam. He was doing multi-media art before it had a name.

    • AdLib says:

      Gilliam went to high school out here in LA to a rival high school before heading out to NY then London (some years before me of course).

      Knowing the history of Python, it is amazing how pivotal he was in Python working. He did do a lot of groundbreaking and on a shoestring budget!

      • KQuark says:

        I mean who else would have the genius to use coconuts and stock hoof sounds to replace horses the way he did in the Grail. Of course the reason the Grail never did have an ending was because they ran out of money.

        • AdLib says:

          Out of money and script problems. The first time I saw it as a teenager, I loved it but was disoriented by the ending. What a revelation though!

          And yes, the coconuts also came out of budget problems yet (they were supposed to be on horses), it comes off as intentional and was unforgettable.

          • KQuark says:

            Yeah that’s what I understood too. Since they never came up with a good ending they just let the money run out. I gotta admit I always thought TG’s weakness as a writer/director was his endings. Life of Brian was one of the better ones but quite a few of his films just fizzled in the end like The Meaning of Life. I think that came from his sketch writing roots, he never really thought like a novelist.

            • KQuark says:

              Oh that goes to the whole difference between English and American comedy. The British just loved setting up a funny scene and love brilliant parodies of life. Where Americans like big punch lines and the big bang at the end of the film where the premise comes to a head.

            • AdLib says:

              The Pytons didn’t really like Meaning of Life, they wrote it like their show and if you remember, their shows would often have abrupt and not well thought out endings. They were all about middles!

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