As some here are aware, I not only have a personal relationship with God, we’ve fanned each other.

Once again, He has asked me to publish His latest blog at The Planet. So without further “a dieu”, here it is:

God’s Blog – 2-19-2011

When people think of “the bad place”, if they’re not referring to KFC, they’re usually referring to Hell. Personally, I actually like Hell. You can’t beat their saunas and interestingly, they have great Thai food.

Contrary to popular belief, Satan does not have horns nor a tail, he looks like any other corporate CEO. His face isn’t red though it is very tan and an unusual color I like to call “Bohngerine”.

There is indeed fire and brimstone and people languishing in eternal torment but hey, it’s not supposed to be Sandals.

In Hell, what’s going on is represented honestly and accurately, no need for the equivalent of Fox News there to repackage the truth, though I have seen the suite that’s prepared for Rupert Murdoch when he arrives and…well…I hope he doesn’t have anything too valuable or breakable in his chest.

IMO, it’s not Hell that’s the most terrible place to be, it’s Purgatory.

First of all, the wait to get on any of the rides is endless then when you get to the front of the line, it’s just the start of another line (there actually aren’t any rides, just lines for rides).

Architecturally, its design is based on the typical DMV only less efficient. Those arriving are told to stand in line until their number is called yet they only call out letters.

While waiting, most people get into conversations with others and the topic is usually politics or who was hotter, Ginger or Mary Ann. As you might imagine, the folks who find themselves in Purgatory are not necessarily the most professorial debaters, the phrases “assbiter” and “dickwad” are the more popular tools of critical debate there, aside from sacks of manure and large wooden mallets.

Being Purgatory, such “debates” never end and are always joined by new arrivals on either side (you can tell they’re new arrivals because their clothes are not yet moist from the projection of excess spittle from those debating).

The ferocity of these debates is fascinating and those debating appear both inexhaustible and weary at the same time. Fortunately, the roving Pejorative Salesmen can come in handy when most needed.

The topics of the debates are, in the end, irrelevant. It is all about the fight which both sides are convinced, is a matter of life and death (er…time to resurrect and smell the coffee). If you mosey through the lines of fiercely debating crowds, you’ll hear bits and pieces of their angrily contested debates and it’s actually quite amusing despite their urgent and earnest outrage .

A sample of various debate snippets from my recent visit:

===========================================

“So what you’re really saying is that you hate America and Jesus but love cannibalism! Yes you are, yes you are!”

“You’re an ass! I won’t even say you’re an asshole because I like assholes!”

“Bullshit! Reagan would totally beat the living shit out of  MLK!”

“Fuck you and you and you and you and you and…who are you? Ah, fuck you anyway.”
============================================

You get the idea. And as offensive as some of the above might be to you, look whose image they think they’re made in? Not exactly flattering, you know?

What’s fascinating is that after some have done their time and I invite them to leave…some don’t want to go. They’ve become addicted to the conflict…and the cocaine laced cans of Red Bull served by scantily clad Kardashians. In fact, the one time that both sides of such violent debates take a brief respite and come together, is to jointly attack anyone who agrees to accompany me to Heaven.

The cries of “Traitor!”, “Coward” and “Goat Fondler!” are frequently hurled at those who have grown tired of the endless and pointless vitriol. Whichever side they’re on, they’re accused of abandoning “The Good Fight” (“Good” apparently refers to frequently accusing people of having had sexual encounters with the matriarch of their family…for some reason, fathers are never represented as “getting any” in this way…which must make them feel quite neglected and frustrated…sometimes inspiring them to hurl that same insult and the Circle of Misogyny is complete).

Once in Heaven, those who had become completely absorbed by Purgatory, believing it to be the Alpha and Omega of existence (and more often the Delta House), gain perspective at an astonish rate and then need to excuse themselves to the restroom where the sounds of yacking up echo out for at least an hour.

Human beings were designed for conflict. Well, actually they were designed for off roading but that’s a whole other blog. There is an element of purpose and raison d’etre it brings out in people. The problem is, that can be very enticing and addictive. When some become accustomed to the adrenaline rush and conflict in and of itself, it can actually become their only true motivation and goal.

Santayana is well known for saying, “Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.” (I’m glad he took my advice and removed the second half of that quote that mentioned penis size).

There are many in Purgatory who are not at all like this, who are wise and reasoned people I smile upon and shouldn’t be lumped in with the subset I refer to. However, those in Purgatory who shout to their colleagues, “Let’s save the world, yell angrily at the enemy!”, are simply filling themselves and their lives with ultimately futile rage.

Yet, they are where they choose to be and truly believe that what they’re doing has a noble purpose. Who’s to say that they would be happier or more fulfilled being anywhere else?

Other than me, that is.

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Foxhole AtheistPatsyTKillgoreTroutescribacatHaruko Haruhara Recent comment authors
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Foxhole Atheist
Member
Foxhole Atheist

Dear God,

As I’m sure you know, Washington State has the longitudinal equivalent to the Mason-Dixon line, otherwise known as the Cascade Mountian Range. A three hour drive east out of Seattle puts me in the middle of Jesusland(unless its a weekday afternoon, then it puts me in Bellevue). I know there is plenty of fine land for grazing, but can you move your flock of sheep elsewhere?

Sincerely,

Western Washington

KillgoreTrout
Member

Well, your righteouness, I for one will never forgive you for booting us out of the garden. And that whole rib thing that resulted in me having to take out the trash each evening was not at all funny. Don’t get me wrong, I love the bumpy creature, but she has a tendency to hang out with snakes. And BTW, what good is a garden if you can’t eat the apples? I now, I know, apples grow in orchards and not gardens. So why not set up your scam in the Orchard of Eden? Hmmmmmmmmmm?

escribacat
Member

Oh God you are a hoot. Please remind me, which religion do I need to sign up for to skip that Purgatory thingie?

Chernynkaya
Member

“Oh God! You who art so big
So absoLUTEly huge
Gosh—we’re all really impressed I can tell you!”

And, BTW—Thanks to Lucifer too! I thought Purgatory was the baggage carousel at LAX. But I see now that Purgatory is merely the state where EVERYTHING is forever “Pending.”

jkkFL
Guest

sounds like Congress..

St James
Member
St James

Good Morning God/AdLib…All I can say is: I hope you get paid to write…this is fantastic.

Truth
Member

Dear God,

can you please tell AdLib that I’m really hoping for the replies to be on one site, especially the new ones… I lose so much time roaming around here to find the answers I have received from people and still I miss some, because I forget on which articles exactly I have been on a given day. And oh! While we’re at it, please ask him also if page numbers can be installed….it is so much easier to jump back in a thread if I can just click on the numbers.

Now I don’t know if that technically is possible with wordpress. If yes, please let him find a way to install this… If not, let the donations to this site flow big time in order to get the necessary program…. But wait a minute, what am I saying, the donations can come in in abundance anyway, it’s certainly money well invested.

Dear God, to ease AdLibs and the other administrators workloads, please see to it that there are no more server glitches from now on and that everything else is going smoothly too so that this reply thingy is created soon… If he has been too busy with other stuff, please remind him that he asked me to specify at the Help Desk what I mean by “organizing the comments”. By now my answer has moved quite far down, wait, I think I saw it on page 3 right now….but it is still there…..

Oh God, isn’t it exhausting to be you? I’m really sorry to bother you with that minor issue, but since I neglect too many of my duties currently by hanging out here too much I thought I give it another shot. Thank you so much for all your gifts to me, Yours, Truth

Questinia
Member

God listens and will relay your requests to Adlib provided you present God with a Cookie-Puss Carvel ice cream cake. Don’t ask me how I know these things. I just do.

Sincerely,

Our Lady of the ImmaQulate Qonception

jkkFL
Guest

But.. we don’t have Carvel…
now what?!

Truth
Member

No corporations allowed in my prayer room —– be aware of the axe in my hand!!! 👿

DawgBone
Member

Hell is actually a tiny room where you are forced to listen to Glenn Beck recordings.

Repent!

PocketWatch
Member

Dawg – Actually, that’s the anteroom to Hell.

Hell itself is having to listen to Sarah Palin INTERPRET what Glenn Beck is saying.

It’s all in the voice…

DawgBone
Member

Ha!

Perhaps Dante was right. There are various levels of hell. The one you describe qualifies as the worst!

Questinia
Member

Sarah Palin sings it while Rush Limbaugh does an interpretative dance a la Isadora Duncan.

DawgBone
Member

LOL!

jkkFL
Guest

Ewwwwwwww!
I am SO converted 🙂

jdmn17
Member
jdmn17

The image of Rush doing Isadora made my appetite disappear

AlphaBitch
Member
AlphaBitch

I repent and promise not to do “it” anymore. Will you please let me know what “it” is??

The sight and sounds of blubberpuss dancing while pussyblub sings is absolutely scaring me straight. (NOTE: please see comments below re: the professor. I’m already THAT kind of straight. It’s the other type of straight that I curve on!)

Delightful, Q, simply delightful!

BigDogMom
Member
BigDogMom

{{{shudder}}}

BigDogMom
Member
BigDogMom

Morning God, I was going to ask if you read my mind about those who insist on “fighting the GOOD FIGHT” over there in purgatory, but then I just bonked myself in the head and said to myself, “Well yes, you idiot, this is HE who sees all and hears all.” It’s early, have not had enough coffee this morning…forgive me, which I know you will do!

But didn’t you say awhile back, that there was a purpose for everything, that there was some semblance of order to that “grand plan” of yours? That maybe we need those who stay in “purgatory” to show some of us the futility and hypocrisy that goes on over there to move some of us to “over here”?

Just my thoughts, you know me, always questioning WHY…

While I’ve got you ear, just want to thank you for waking the people up in Wisconsin, Ohio and other States on the evils of not going out to vote. Or for voting for someone who promises the moon and the stars, and believing them, but instead deems you to a life in a hellish servitude. It is a hard lesson for us to learn, but one we needed to learn in order to move forward.

That yes, even though you have given us freedom of choice, it is those choices that determine whether our lives here on earth are Heaven or are Hell…or to be stuck in purgatory.

ghsts
Member

I don’t know who this god fellow thinks he is but anyone who has been lucky enough to catch 18″ of fresh powder at 8am on The Face or Ladies Waist knows that Grand Targhee Idaho is heaven, there are no lines and the only thing people yell is “This is Freaken Awesome!” Wyoming it’s neighbor which has produce some of the most vile politicians in history was also the first state to ratify suffrage, and is equally angelic in it distance from DC. Equally hypocritical like the writer of that blog.

For all those youngens out there(an I ain’t that old) it is hell-arious to note that I have seen all this movie before and in ends with Reagan in the white house. Long live free market politics, sell’em out then join the club.

Haruko Haruhara
Member

I thought Grand Targhee was in Wyoming?

ghsts
Member

Straddles the state lines, we would hike up for fresh tracks out of ID.

**edit sara palin moment

Pepe Lepew
Member

Hell, Purgatory or Idaho…?

Wow.

Tough one.

… reallllly tough one.

jdmn17
Member
jdmn17

Does hell have potato’s and are they then by definition pre-baked?

PatsyT
Member

Well, if hell has baked potatoes, it might not be such a bad deal.

Questinia
Member

Funny how Purgatory sounds a lot like the Huffington Post.

KQµårk 死神
Member

Funny you mention AOL HP. I had to go and look at the headlines.

“Dueling Wisconsin Protests Draw Largest Crowds Yet”

“Dueling protests” really when grassroots liberals are outnumbering astroturfers 30-1.

I’m waiting for them to come up with some lame corporate slogan like “fair and balanced”.

jdmn17
Member
jdmn17

Whenever I see a “dueling” headline why does my mind go back to a record album given to me by some long forgotten g.f called Dueling Banjo’s? One of the worst ever and of course I had to sit with her and listen to both sides. Sigh

Buddy McCue
Member

Too much reverb on that album.

Truth
Member

FOX and POX – how much time will pass until they have the same owner?

Buddy McCue
Member

Just sounds like another example of the kind of false equivalency we’ve grown to expect from the mainstream news.

Pepe Lepew
Member

That’s like the U.S. and Grenada “dueled.”

Khirad
Member

Yes, just like there were “dueling protests” in Egypt, I’m sure.

Could it be more obvious why there’s nothing left there to save?

KQµårk 死神
Member

Bingo great analogy.

Questinia
Member

If it’s AOL, I’d say it stands for “America’s Opiated Life”. It’s meant to entertain and distract. Fox, at least, get’s the dander up. On the wrong people, unfortunately.

Khirad
Member

It goes on falling, and the more it grows,
The more it finds the dogs becoming wolves,
This maledict and misadventurous ditch.

jdmn17
Member
jdmn17

Morning Khirad,

Great quote. I find it ironic how we vilify wolves here in the states while dogs, wild or just packed up kill far more livestock and wild game. Coyotes too are greater killers.

Yet we fear the wolf.

What an odd country

Questinia
Member

Dante was always one for wildlife preservation 🙂

Questinia
Member

Begun by one Huffington bitch.

~curtsey~

ChrisR266
Member

I gotta admit, I miss purgatory. I was so hoping to wait off some minor sinning there.

Khirad
Member

And indulgences – those were the days.

deygirl
Member

If there is a god, I imagine he’s screaming, “That’s not what I MEANT!”

KQµårk 死神
Member

😆 great work and you know I’m a sucker for Terry Gilliam. He was doing multi-media art before it had a name.

PocketWatch
Member

AdLib –

Considering all that goes on in the world here, I always figured that God was an angry black Lesbian woman with PMS and a bad attitude.

Am I close?

deygirl
Member

Whoopee Goldberg?

jkkFL
Guest

and a 45 🙂

PocketWatch
Member

That’s a given, jkk…

jkkFL
Guest

and an ak47..for the worst ones