As some here are aware, I not only have a personal relationship with God, we’ve fanned each other.
Once again, He has asked me to publish His latest blog at The Planet. So without further “a dieu”, here it is:
God’s Blog – 2-19-2011
When people think of “the bad place”, if they’re not referring to KFC, they’re usually referring to Hell. Personally, I actually like Hell. You can’t beat their saunas and interestingly, they have great Thai food.
Contrary to popular belief, Satan does not have horns nor a tail, he looks like any other corporate CEO. His face isn’t red though it is very tan and an unusual color I like to call “Bohngerine”.
There is indeed fire and brimstone and people languishing in eternal torment but hey, it’s not supposed to be Sandals.
In Hell, what’s going on is represented honestly and accurately, no need for the equivalent of Fox News there to repackage the truth, though I have seen the suite that’s prepared for Rupert Murdoch when he arrives and…well…I hope he doesn’t have anything too valuable or breakable in his chest.
IMO, it’s not Hell that’s the most terrible place to be, it’s Purgatory.
First of all, the wait to get on any of the rides is endless then when you get to the front of the line, it’s just the start of another line (there actually aren’t any rides, just lines for rides).
Architecturally, its design is based on the typical DMV only less efficient. Those arriving are told to stand in line until their number is called yet they only call out letters.
While waiting, most people get into conversations with others and the topic is usually politics or who was hotter, Ginger or Mary Ann. As you might imagine, the folks who find themselves in Purgatory are not necessarily the most professorial debaters, the phrases “assbiter” and “dickwad” are the more popular tools of critical debate there, aside from sacks of manure and large wooden mallets.
Being Purgatory, such “debates” never end and are always joined by new arrivals on either side (you can tell they’re new arrivals because their clothes are not yet moist from the projection of excess spittle from those debating).
The ferocity of these debates is fascinating and those debating appear both inexhaustible and weary at the same time. Fortunately, the roving Pejorative Salesmen can come in handy when most needed.
The topics of the debates are, in the end, irrelevant. It is all about the fight which both sides are convinced, is a matter of life and death (er…time to resurrect and smell the coffee). If you mosey through the lines of fiercely debating crowds, you’ll hear bits and pieces of their angrily contested debates and it’s actually quite amusing despite their urgent and earnest outrage .
A sample of various debate snippets from my recent visit:
“So what you’re really saying is that you hate America and Jesus but love cannibalism! Yes you are, yes you are!”
“You’re an ass! I won’t even say you’re an asshole because I like assholes!”
“Bullshit! Reagan would totally beat the living shit out of MLK!”
“Fuck you and you and you and you and you and…who are you? Ah, fuck you anyway.”
You get the idea. And as offensive as some of the above might be to you, look whose image they think they’re made in? Not exactly flattering, you know?
What’s fascinating is that after some have done their time and I invite them to leave…some don’t want to go. They’ve become addicted to the conflict…and the cocaine laced cans of Red Bull served by scantily clad Kardashians. In fact, the one time that both sides of such violent debates take a brief respite and come together, is to jointly attack anyone who agrees to accompany me to Heaven.
The cries of “Traitor!”, “Coward” and “Goat Fondler!” are frequently hurled at those who have grown tired of the endless and pointless vitriol. Whichever side they’re on, they’re accused of abandoning “The Good Fight” (“Good” apparently refers to frequently accusing people of having had sexual encounters with the matriarch of their family…for some reason, fathers are never represented as “getting any” in this way…which must make them feel quite neglected and frustrated…sometimes inspiring them to hurl that same insult and the Circle of Misogyny is complete).
Once in Heaven, those who had become completely absorbed by Purgatory, believing it to be the Alpha and Omega of existence (and more often the Delta House), gain perspective at an astonish rate and then need to excuse themselves to the restroom where the sounds of yacking up echo out for at least an hour.
Human beings were designed for conflict. Well, actually they were designed for off roading but that’s a whole other blog. There is an element of purpose and raison d’etre it brings out in people. The problem is, that can be very enticing and addictive. When some become accustomed to the adrenaline rush and conflict in and of itself, it can actually become their only true motivation and goal.
Santayana is well known for saying, “Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.” (I’m glad he took my advice and removed the second half of that quote that mentioned penis size).
There are many in Purgatory who are not at all like this, who are wise and reasoned people I smile upon and shouldn’t be lumped in with the subset I refer to. However, those in Purgatory who shout to their colleagues, “Let’s save the world, yell angrily at the enemy!”, are simply filling themselves and their lives with ultimately futile rage.
Yet, they are where they choose to be and truly believe that what they’re doing has a noble purpose. Who’s to say that they would be happier or more fulfilled being anywhere else?
Other than me, that is.