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AuntieChrist On October - 21 - 2010
Let us take it for given that the second amendment guarantees all Americans the right to bear arms…

Question: how many armless bears can the National Forest Service support, and can someone pass the BBQ sauce?

If political parties are to interpret The Constitution in the light of what they believe to be ‘Original Intent’ then could we not advance the following:

MIGHT America be in danger due to the second amendment and it’s consequences? As most people know, the second amendment grants Americans the right to bear arms. The foreseeable problem is this:

Should bears become extinct in that pursuit of our liberties, would this not require another constitutional amendment in order that future generations are guaranteed the same right that the founding fathers intended?

Which brings to question: do we fit limbless bears with prosthetic arms?! As the patriot, Stephen Colbert would say, “That’s just F**king Crazy!” Bears from Cyber-dine systems?

Artificial insemination of the bear population would be out of the question, as those holding to strict religious views would claim that anything artificial is NOT natural by the very use of the word ‘artificial.’

As Christine O’Donnell and others like her believe that masturbation is a sin, another question question comes to mind: In order to maintain a bear population for all generations, Do we allow Cybernetic Bears to marry?

…and too if bears are Cybernetic, and since we have taken away their arms, do we make it up to them by allowing their Scientologists beliefs to tear down the wall between church and state with their cybernetic arms?!

After a more thorough investigation and more background checking I must retract my statement regarding Scientoligists. Scientologists believe in Dianetics. Whereas Cybernetics is more in the realm of… artificial control systems. Hmmm… Much like Dianetics. After some further thought, I’d like to recall my prior retraction regarding Scientoligists and at this point scream in panic:

…Oh My Gawd!!!

I can see it all so clearly now: Angry bears of conflicting faiths are trying to take over America because our fore-fathers gave us all the right to their arms!!!

Damn that Constitutional Convention!

Sam Adams must have brought too much beer.

Auntie Christ

36 Responses so far.

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  1. Khirad says:

    How to tie O’Donnell and bears together?


  2. Kalima says:

    That’s really funny AC.

    When I moved to the U.K. as a kid and my English was at a minimum, we had a few classes about your Constitution in History. I remember after one such class, coming home after school, and asking why Americans would have to officially write that people there would be allowed to show their unclothed arms, it really made no sense to this 9 year old. Of course not yet being aware of words in English with a different spelling but sounding the same, I had assumed that it stated “have the right to bare arms.” I thought that you were a weird lot. 🙂 See my confusion?

    • AlphaBitch says:

      Hi Miss K! That’s a good one. Can’t remember if I already told you this, but my #1 refugee son and I were chatting about likes and dislikes when he sweetly looked at me and said: “Oh, and I LOVE whores!”. Since he is a good Muslim and an Afghan to boot, this caused me to spew coke and try to regain composure.

      “Whores?” I asked. “Really? Do you know what that word means?”

      “Sure” he replied. “It’s that animal that cowboys ride.”

      Not going into the imagery but instead trying to ascertain what he was going for, I gently told him the word was “horse”.

      I then explained the difference to him, at which point he turned beet red and said he was thankful he had not made this comment in front of “other Americans”. Today -- a year later -- it is one of our funniest memories.

      • Kalima says:

        I love your story AB. I’m glad you caught his mistake before he used it on a regular basis. We English “L’s” have often made a lot of strange bloopers, in fact I still have problems with the odd word now. My Japanese bloopers have left people literally howling for hours, it has improved over the years I’m pleased to say.

  3. Questinia says:

    That’s ONLY because the Founding Fathers were non-linear thinkers!

  4. AlphaBitch says:

    Khala (that’s Auntie in Dari) Christ: thank you for your explainification of what our Foundling Fathers meant. You are to be commanded for you’re ability to show that unless all bears become “bearn again yourlastnameians”, then we stand to be in cereal danger of having Wahabeari Mooslims that are angry that George and Tom gave us the right to shoot off their arms! -ZetaBitch
    PS Does that mean Sarah Mama Grizzly Bear might also be in danger of losing HER arms? Where oh where will she write her notes???????

    • Khirad says:

      I can tell maternal aunt, at that. 😉

    • AuntieChrist says:

      Hi AB,

      I believe the answer to your question regarding Sarah’s dilemma if she were to lose her arms is quite simple: She would require a a Palm Pilot.

      THAT and buttloads of cash.

      “explainification”… LOL. I like that.

  5. Haruko Haruhara says:

    I’ve always thought hunting would be more fair if the deer and elk had heat-seeking missiles strapped on their backs.

    Then, it would be “sport.”

    • bitohistory says:

      What is going to happen when these develop functioning legs and thumbs?

      Dolphins learn to ‘walk on water’

      Wild dolphins in Australia are naturally learning to “walk” on water.

      Six dolphins have now been seen mastering the technique -- furiously paddling their tail fluke, forcing their body out and across the water.
      The dolphins seem to walk on water for fun, as it has no other obvious benefit, say scientists working for the Whale and Dolphin Conservation Society.
      That makes the behaviour a rare example of animals “culturally transmitting” a playful rather than foraging behaviour.

      Oh, sure they say it’s just for fun now, but just you wait!! 😆

    • AuntieChrist says:

      I just say that the animal kingdom should just bring in the the Drones.

      …They’re already here… (at Huffingtonpost, at least.)

  6. AdLib says:

    Hey AC, great to see ya!

    Actually, when it comes to bears I’m more of a breast, wing and arms kinda guy. It’s a guilty pleasure, Kentucky Fried Bear, but every once in a while…

    I have a Constitutional right to bear arms wherever I go, however horrified my daughter may become when we visit the zoo. They’re mine, damn it, mine!

  7. boomer1949 says:


    Go to HELP or [email protected] — however, keep in mind the fearless leader functions on PDT, dear Kalima is in Tokyo, and bito is in AZ. All that time difference stuff, you know? One of them should pop up here soon.

  8. boomer1949 says:


    And my daughter owns stock in Sam. 😆 She fell in love with him while in college.

    As for the bears, it is the humans who have invaded their territory, yet we act as if they were insurgents. How dare we?

    • AuntieChrist says:

      Hi, boomer,

      I hope there’s no need to worry about the bears… if at least they’re being rearmed.
      I wonder if they’ll have rocket launchers in the future?

      Shock and AUGH!!!

      • boomer1949 says:

        Hi AC,

        They should, we humans are assholes, or at least some of us are.

        I work with some Bambi killers and it drives me insane, absolutely insane, to listen to them this time of year. They act like it’s Bambi’s fault for encroaching on them. Not rocket science, you know?

  9. AuntieChrist says:

    What happened to the formatting?

    …everything is all crunched together.

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