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AdLib On August - 31 - 2010

On Saturday, Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin stood on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial and spoke to tens of thousands of blindingly white, patriotically obese, special needs Walmart shoppers, claiming to speak for God and urging a return to the halcyon days of religious domination of our democracy which brought America such historic hits as morally justifiable slavery, the slaughter of “heathen” Native Americans, Manifest Destiny, women as second class citizens without the right to vote, prohibition and its resulting in the explosion of organized crime and teens having lots of oral and anal sex in order to honor their Promise Rings.

As a result, as Monty Python once sang, God got quite irate. So, as He is nowadays accustomed to venting his wrath, He blogged the following and asked me to post it for Him:

GOD’S BLOG – 8-31-2010

Let me begin by saying that neither Glenn Beck nor Sarah Palin speak for me. The tip offs are, I never use chalkboards, I don’t drop the last letter of “ing” words to be folksy and lastly, I usually make sense.

Being omnipresent, I couldn’t help but watch these two and their colleagues give their speeches on Saturday at the site and on the day of my dear friend’s “I Have a Dream” speech. Though I don’t see anything wrong with the way I’ve made male dogs mark territory as their own, it is a bit off putting when people use dogs as role models for that trait (wish they copied the unconditional love and loyalty stuff instead).

What can be a little frustrating about being all-knowing is that you never get to say, “What the hell is wrong with that guy?!”, you already know. I do see all living things as my children but some days, your kids can really drive you nuts, you know what I’m talking about?

Glenn claimed that his rally was about returning honor, going back to Me and less overtly, returning power in America to White Christians. That’s like urging people to come together to build and paint a majestic cross just so you can set fire to it.

Believe me, I don’t have an inferiority complex. I’m not stomping around Heaven, upset that people aren’t ruling more countries in my name. In fact, that’s exactly what would get me upset, have you seen what happens in most countries when people declare I chose them to be the leader (my lawyers did send George Bush a Cease and Desist).

Earth is for you folks to take care of and figure out how to run. I’ve totally delegated all executive decisions to all of you, I just want to be invited to the company picnics.

Glenn Beck also urged people to sublimate themselves to me, to get on their knees and make sure their children saw them doing so. I guess the best way to do that would be to get in front of the tv and pray…though I’d guess the kids would just crane their heads around to keep killing people in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.

I think this could send the wrong message. First, kids may think that their parents are praying to the tv, that I am in the tv or that Tivo is God (which it is in some households).

Second, I think kids should see that strong moral beliefs are what make their parents stand up and become leaders in their own lives. Impressing subservience is like wiring a weakness into oneself or one’s kids that less principled folks than yours truly can then use to manipulate them to further unprincipled greed and lusts.

Which brings me back to Glenn Beck. He spoke of restoring honor…and did so by dishonoring one of the most honored Americans, Martin Luther King and the Civil Rights movement he did so much for. Next time, I assume that Glenn will want to campaign on protecting endangered species by hunting them.

So, we can put aside this clearly illegitimate claim as the purpose of this rally, along with a reverence for me because love and respect and power for all races and religions is my thing. Also, despite the claims in their prospectuses and press releases, I am not a wholly owned subsidiary of FreedomWorks, Fox News or the GOP.

I just wish such wolves wouldn’t use me as their sheep’s clothing. The ironic thing is that in order to be so comfortable in using me to promote a self-serving agenda, such people would have to not believe in me (they clearly have no fear that they’ll ever have to face me for their transgressions).

So my suggestion is, the more you hear someone use me or their love of me to justify their actions and schemes that benefit themselves personally, the more of an atheist they probably are.

And BTW, some of my best friends are Atheists (I tell them that whether or not they believe in me, I believe in them and they’ll usually buy me a drink anyway, nice folks) so that’s not a bad thing but it does lend a bit of perspective to these situations.

Satan plays the same game as Glenn but as a practical joke, after a while, he always blurts out, “Just joking! I’m not really speaking for God and there is no barbecue tonight!”

Too bad Glenn doesn’t even display the decency of Satan. Still, it will be hilarious in a number of years, when Satan gets the chance to pull that on Glenn! Man, will he freak!

Written by AdLib

My motto is, "It is better to have blogged and lost hours of your day, than never to have blogged at all."

70 Responses so far.

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  1. troll says:

    What kind of ridiculous nonsense are you writing here. Haven’t you ever read Ecclesiastes. David Crosby and Roger McGuinn read it.

    Ecc. Chap. 1:2
    Meaningless! Meaningless! Says the teacher. Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.

    Chap. 3:1
    There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.

    Chap. 10:1-2
    As dead flies give perfume a bad smell, so a little folly outweighs wisdom and honor. The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left.

    • AdLib says:

      Actually, my favorite praising of God comes from Monty Python’s, “The Meaning of Life”:

      Chaplain: Let us praise God. O Lord…

      Congregation: O Lord…

      Chaplain: …Ooh, You are so big…

      Congregation: …ooh, You are so big…

      Chaplain: …So absolutely huge.

      Congregation: …So absolutely huge.

      Chaplain: Gosh, we’re all really impressed down here, I can tell You.

      Congregation: Gosh, we’re all really impressed down here, I can tell You.

      Chaplain: Forgive us, O Lord, for this, our dreadful toadying, and…

      Congregation: And barefaced flattery.

      Chaplain: But You are so strong and, well, just so super.

      Congregation: Fantastic.

      Humphrey: Amen.

      Congregation: Amen.

    • bitohistory says:

      Are you doubting that AdLib does not converse with God? Should we beware of false prophets, even the satirical ones, or the ones who are clowns?

      Ah, yes, the bible has many quotes,but which ones to choose is perplexing. Living many years near the Gulf Coast, I sure did like my “boilt shrimps” and those “eat ’em raw” bars.
      I always went to confession later πŸ˜‰

      • troll says:

        Sorry, I’m not familiar with confession. I’m only familiar with the Hebrew Bible. The ancient Hebrews didn’t need any confession. In the Hebrew Bible eating “boilt shrimp” or “eat em raw” was verboten. Anyone caught eating unkosher food risked stoning or had their property confiscated by the high priest and exiled into the desert with only the clothes on their back.

        • AdLib says:

          The threat of death was indeed an effective health care enforcement policy back then. It is interesting to consider how many religious mandates were originally based on preserving, protecting and growing the majority of its followers.

          Eating raw shellfish and pork back then was indeed a huge roll of the dice on getting seriously ill.

          At least today, we don’t need the threat of death with regards to Health care policies…as long as you don’t count all the grannies that would have been killed if HCR passed…whoops!

          • bitohistory says:

            Think we could bring back that stoning thing for all the salmonella outbreaks due to negligence and not following Health and Sanitation rules?

        • bitohistory says:

          Have those and other laws been repealed? Where would I find that written? If they haven’t been repealed is there a statue of limitations or do I still deserve a good stoning? Perhaps that doesn’t happen much on the coast, not a whole lot of stones or deserts to wander.

          • troll says:

            Sorry I made a mistake. I should have said “risked having their property confiscated by the high priest.”

            It’s in the Talmud. Hey, life was on the edge back then. Why is it still on the edge today? Because the trolls on the left and the trolls on the right say it is so. I’m the troll in the center.

            What are you going to tell me? There are no trolls on the left. Sorry Charlie. That’s wishful thinking.

  2. PepeLepew says:

    God, I posted this earlier on OT, but I don’t know if everyone saw it.

    This Biblical verse applies very well to Beck, I believe:

    “Beware of the false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly are ravenous wolves.”

    Matthew 7:15.

    • AdLib says:

      Appreciate your posting it here!

      KO calls Beck “Lonesome Rhoades” after the lead character in the prescient film, “A Face in The Crowd”.

      If you haven’t seen it, it’s about a simple country boy con man type who becomes a tv host and becomes so popular, he can influence elections. It’s a great film!

      Here are two clips:

  3. AlphaBitch says:

    Dear God: My favorite biblical verse (albeit from what I have learned is PC to call “The Hebrew Testament”, as “Old Testament” is thought to imply ‘old, wornout, in need for improvement’) is Micah 6:8:

    “He has shown you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God?”

    My question to you, dearest God, is what part of this verse resonates with Mr. Beck or Ms. Palin? You know, what prompts them to do their “good God” deeds? Or are they strictly New Testamenters??? I admit, I have difficulty reading the Hebrew Bible; I usually fall asleep around the 7th begat. But there are nuggets of wisdom in there.

    I just wanted to go on record with one of my favorite verses. Please ask Peter to keep it on file for when I cross over.

    Very truly Yours,

    Alpha Bitch

    PS How about that Psalm 137, where You state “O daughter of Babylon, you devastator! Happy shall be he who requites you with what you have done to us! Happy shall be he who takes your little ones and dashes them against the rock!”

    Didn’t WE kind of “do” something bad to the daughters of Babylon? Are you saying we should be happy as we dash their infants against the rocks? I’m a little confused. Is this the only part of the Hebrew Bible that Glenn and Sarah agree with? Please explain.

    Your humble servant, but not sure I want to bash babies against rocks, no matter what has been done to me, because your son Jesus asked me to turn that other cheek. AB

    • choicelady says:

      Hi- this is God’s communications director. God’s on the phone, so he asked me to respond.

      The thing with the baby dashing is that it’s grounded in an old and outworn tribalism. God got tired of watching people bash each other (AND babies) and sent Jesus to shape us up. Jesus brought us the radical notion that we were in a common bond with one another, that we were equal, and that pure and non-judgmental love was possible. You think the current crop of people get that? Hah! They LOVE the tribalism since they see everything as a competition, Last Christian Standing.

      Well, God is saying to you all -- that wasn’t the plan, that’s not the message, get over your rapacious and slavering hate and MOVE ON.

      If you have any questions, I’ll be glad to answer them now.

      • AlphaBitch says:

        So…..CL, who’s going to inform Palin and Beck that they misunderstand/stood??? Not me! I’m not trying for sainthood THAT hard! Sounds like a job for a ….oh, I dunno…..communications director to me. AdLib? What say you?

        BTW: JUST heard the cutest new song from my dear friend -- It’s God talking to Adam and Eve (when He’s not channeling via AdLib, I guess it’s little Timmy O’Brien He uses). It’s called “You ate the APPLE??” No video, but we’ll try and do a wav file for you to hear it -- absolutely hysterical. My favorite lines: When you have your own kids, you can make up your own rules. There is also a little wisdom, where God says “The apple was poisoned; it made you lose your mind. When you pass judgment, you leave Paradise behind. You see good and evil, everywhere there’s right and wrong. Now you’re not satisfied, and you cannot get along! You ate the apple?! I told you not to eat the apple…How many times did I tell you?”

      • AdLib says:

        Very cool, God’s had an ad at Monster.com for a long time, he couldn’t have hired a better Communications Director!

        “Us vs. Them” is all that the RW has to campaign on, they are morally and intellectually bankrupt.

        Can anyone name a single proposition from the RW that would help anyone who isn’t a millionaire?

        That’s why they depend on “Us vs. Them”.

        It does always astound that those most aggressive about claiming they’re loyal Christians often seem to be most opposed to everything Jesus preached.

    • AdLib says:

      God texted me, asking me to pass along that he really enjoyed your comment and wanted to clarify, there was a total misunderstanding on the whole, “dashing little ones against the rocks” bit.

      He said it was like the game of Operator, got totally turned around. It was supposed to be, “He takes your stale buns and dashes them against the rock.”

      And wait till he tells you about the boo-boos in the Ten Commandments!

  4. FrankenPC says:

    A word of warning to the PlanetPOV peeps… Beware of the next generation spin-machine: Turn wingnuts into compassionate, forgiving, and loving Americans.

    You can already see it in Beck’s BS rants. Also, the trolls are already spewing this insane bulls**t everywhere. The only consistent thing about the wingnuts is they all spin the same story at the same time. They are like the freakin Borg.

    • AdLib says:

      Thanks for the heads up!

      Guess this explains why Jason in Friday the 13th wears a fun hockey mask.

    • kesmarn says:

      Franken, I hear you. But I think a case could be made for it’s being a recycled last generation spin: as in, warmed over “Compassionate Conservatism” (anyone here ever actually seen that animal in action? ), Dubya’s delusional/cynical opinion that “faith based initiatives” would take care of all social justice issues, and his own schizophrenic, born again/bloodthirsty warmonger, personality. (“Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!” Bush/Beck/Palin’s militaristic “faith” stance.)

      And you’re so right. They are the Borg. They turn on FUX or AM radio to get their script du jour, and they never vary a word from it. Silly children parroting their Big Daddies and Mama Grizzly.

    • bitohistory says:

      Are they so compassionate that they will allow the Bush tax cuts for billionaires to expire? How about the next unemployment extension? Will they stop lies on Obama’s religion, place of birth, raising taxes, and budgets? How about the take over of banks and the auto industry, giving unions control……..?

      Thanks for the heads up, Fraken, but
      I think that their compassion and understanding is not even skin deep. It is easily exposed.

  5. bitohistory says:

    Dear God, in your message you said something that really struck me.

    Also, despite the claims in their prospectuses and press releases, I am not a wholly owned subsidiary of FreedomWorks, Fox News or the GOP.

    Why did you so conveniently leave out GoldLine? Do know anything about that 90% mark-up?
    Heh, no offense, just asking.

  6. AdLib says:

    I am not a big fan of Christopher Hitchens but his Slate article on this topic is interesting. Here are some quotes from it:

    White Fright -- Glenn Beck’s rally was large, vague, moist, and undirected

    • PepeLepew says:

      Spot on, they are terrified of that day when pure whites are 49 percent of the populace.

      How are Christians being persecuted in America? Because their kids aren’t allowed to say prayer in school anymore? Is that all they have?

      • AdLib says:

        Thanks to the insights of Franklin Graham, we now know that the seed of Islam is planted in Obama, you see, it comes from the father even if he’s not Muslim at the time of conception.

        So, the most powerful man in the free world, our president is a Muslim from Kenya who wants terrorists to forcibly gay marry Christians to create anchor babies that will grow up to make everyone have abortions in church.

        Other than that…

  7. kesmarn says:

    Wonderfully done, as always, AdLib! I’m going to make a point of passing this on to my friends, who will love it!

    And, rest assured, when Satan gets to deal with Glenn in a few years, there “will be a barbecue tonight!”

    And, to Pepe, Glenn may not have Moroni in his heart, but he makes up for it by having plenty of Macaroni (with cheese), as well as just plain old Moron in there.

    • AdLib says:

      Thanks Kes!

      My only question is, would Satan ruin a perfectly good apple by putting it in Beck’s mouth before barbecuing him?

      • kesmarn says:

        I think he may, for sentimental reasons, have kept the one that Eve persuaded Adam to take a bite out of, and he might be convinced to use that one, AdLib. Might as well celebrate the second loss of humanity’s innocence (due to a silly man and a sillier woman) with a heritage apple, after all.

        First he’ll have to extract both of Beck’s feet, though, before inserting said apple.

  8. PepeLepew says:

    A couple of Glenn Beck quotes Tea Baggers have conveniently forgotten:

    “When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I’m just like, ‘Oh shut up’ I’m so sick of them because they’re always complaining.”

    “This is a 90,000-square-mile disaster site, New Orleans is 181 square miles. A hundred and — 0.2 percent of the disaster area is New Orleans! And that’s all we’re hearing about, are the people in New Orleans. Those are the only ones we’re seeing on television are the scumbags.”

    Yup, that’s a guy who genuinely has Moroni in his heart.

    • AdLib says:

      Thanks for the reminder on these, Pepe. We’ve seen the repeated quotes a lot lately on Beck’s calling America’s first black president a racist who hates white people but these others may have fallen through the cracks.

      I don’t know what’s more disturbing, how mainstream Beck’s prejudice has become or the people who support him and simply refuse to admit what he’s really said.

      It’s a case of co-dependent racism, as long as Beck and his followers all support the cover story, that they’re not against minorities, they just support their race and religion (the oft-used mantra of the KKK and other racist organizations), everything is fair game.

  9. meade says:

    Wow, very hateful speech. And speaking as a NATIVE AMERICAN myself (yes, 1/4th Cherokee), and also born in this country, nothing could be more cliched and inaccurate as what you just described. And I thought the liberal movement was about acceptance and tolerance. But no. And labeling people as obese white walmart shoppers. How clever of you. So much irony in this.

    • boomer1949 says:


      You’ve obviously never read God’s blog here on the Planet. The God who hangs out here really, really tries to make His points using satire. Do you know the definition of satire?


    • Kalima says:

      Just one question meade, are you a Christian?

      If your answer is yes, then I can’t fathom for one minute why this post offends you when people like Glenn Beck, Palin, Newt and the rest of them who take the Lord’s name in vain on a day meant to honour a great man in your country’s history and using the exact place he gave his historic speech, doesn’t offend you at all.

      I am a Christian, my family has been for hundreds of years, and Glenn Beck’s message of “taking your country back” and returning to Christian values, offends the hell out of me because this is not God’s message. His message couldn’t be any clearer to those who really believe his teachings, a small child could understand it, “Love your neighbour as yourself.” A request that is so very simple and yet some people who claim to believe in him have no clue what it means.

      America is a country founded by immigrants, many fleeing religious persecution. To have a man like Beck, a man who promotes almost no Christian values himself, use God’s name to promote hate, vilify diversity and trash the good names of people trying to rebuild your fallen country, is about as far away from the teachings of God and Christianity as from earth to the furthest star and back.

      What Beck, Palin, Newt and the rest of these people do and say, is the same as what the religious mullahs in let’s say a country like Iran do to their people every day. It is similar to what the Taliban strive for in Afghanistan and Pakistan. People have the fundamental right, it’s written into your Constitution, which allows them to practice their religion, whatever that may be, there are no “only” Christian clauses in your country’s historic documents.

      Glenn Beck and his shameful “Restoring Honour” rally wants to take this freedom away from everyone and replace it with his warped ideals of Christianity, so I’ll ask you again. Why aren’t you angry about a man who doesn’t practice what he preaches in front of gullible crowds on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, and in what he spouts on the tv and radio shows almost every day, and why does this post of AdLib’s calling out the hypocrites who call themselves Christians, offend you?

      People are allowed to believe what they want, but once they bring it out into the public arena, at a location revered by millions of Americans, cloak it in a layer of religion for political gain like a wrapping of a cheap, second grade seaweed on a conveyor belt sushi lunch, then others who disagree and see the hypocrisy, have every right to call them out on their faux Christian values, they become fair game for criticism.

      Btw, this post has little to do with being liberal, progressive or being a Democrat and everything to do with having a heart, humanity, diversity and calling out the faux Christians who have no trouble taking the Lord’s name in vain to promote a destructive political agenda.

      May I just ask another question?
      Why did you feel it necessary to include these words in your comment when everyone here except myself were born in America too? Oh and of course, so was your President.

      “And speaking as a NATIVE AMERICAN myself (yes, 1/4th Cherokee), and also born in this country,”

    • bitohistory says:

      And I thought the liberal movement was about acceptance and tolerance.

      Acceptance of hate and tolerance of intolerance? Novel idea there, meade.

    • kesmarn says:

      You really are a troll, aren’t you?

      Or perhaps, in a more compassionate take, completely lacking a sense of humor?

    • AdLib says:

      Hmm…rejecting a “taking back of America” by White Christians is hateful, interesting.

      How might Americans who are black, latino, Muslim, Jewish, etc. feel about such a sensibility?

      Please specify, what is cliche and inaccurate, your generalizing does not support any proposition.

      In that pursuit, here is an excerpt of an article about a poll on Tea Partiers by the NYT:

      The overwhelming majority of supporters say Mr. Obama does not share the values most Americans live by and that he does not understand the problems of people like themselves. More than half say the policies of the administration favor the poor, and 25 percent think that the administration favors blacks over whites

    • bitohistory says:

      I do enjoy AdLibs parody much more that yours, meade. But , nice try.

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