Hitler’s Ghost Speaks!

In my various meanderings around the whole of existence and parts of New Jersey, I have had the pleasure of making the acquaintance of God, Satan and other well recognized talking heads.

It’s been my honor to share their blogs here at The Planet.

As Fate would have it (if you knew Fate as I do, you’d know how Fate always has to have things its own way or else you get the silent treatment), during my most recent hike along the Existential Trail (I didn’t run into Mark Sanford), I happened to come upon one of history’s most horrific human beings, Adolph Hitler. Well, actually it was his ghost…wearing ethereal lederhosen and a “Romney 2012” button.

He had heard of my sharing the blogs of other famous and infamous bloggers at The Planet and, after awkwardly trying to convince me that he had come to enjoy eating at delis, asked if I would share his blog here.

So, purely in the interest of openness, free expression and shameless exploitation, here is Hitler’s Ghost’s blog:

Adolph’s Blog – 8-18-2010

If only I had a Reich Mark for every time my name is mentioned in American politics, I’d put my pals at Goldman Sachs to shame…if they had the capacity for it.

Actually, it’s been quite annoying. You spend your entire adult life demonizing other races and religions in your pursuit of consolidating power under yourself then see yourself totally ripped off by a low brow American political party. Where I am now, there’s no shortage of lawyers so I am considering my options, at a minimum, I’ve got the GOP on plagiarism and theft of trademark.

What I don’t get is that they are copying mein approach to seizing power and yet, instead of giving me credit, they fling my name as an insult at a black man who opposes what we stand for. Talk about embarrassing, George Wallace’s ghost won’t stop ragging on me and it’s getting on my nerves.

I mean, come on, either you think whipping up a nation to fear and hate minorities in a time of financial insecurity, in order to marshal a mindlessly hateful mob that will sweep you into power is cool or it’s not! You can’t adopt my strategy than use my name as a synonym for “Arschloch” on other people. And BTW, using my name and “communist” or “Marxist” on the same person? Really? Where did they get their education of history, from Texas school books?

Still, I do agree with the list of targets the GOP has been building and how they’ve been portraying them:

a. Blacks are racists who are working to turn America’s government into an African socialist society…and lop off the heads of white people along the way as a preemptive measure against the popular resurgence of polka music.

b. Gays are child molesters who want bestiality legalized and want to infect heterosexuals with The Gay. As thrice married Newt Gingrich has explained, they want to destroy marriage by first adopting it then driving it up to the country and letting it out of the car to fend for itself.

c. Latinos are all illegal immigrants, stealing jobs and white people’s tax money in the form of social services. The highly sought-after positions of Strawberry Collection Specialist, Leaf Wafting Technician and more have been greedily ripped from the hands of American workers champing at the bit to establish these careers for themselves.

d. Muslims belong to a despicable “cult” but America should be a place where there is freedom for all religions…except the ones we don’t belong to and/or are afraid of.

e. Educated and intellectual people are elitist wimps bent on destroying our country and transforming it into Communist Russia. Real leaders don’t “think” or “research” or “deliberate”, they are “Deciders” who think with their balls…or a friend’s balls if they have trouble locating their own tiny ones.

f. The weakest and most vulnerable in our society are threats to it. Lazy, unemployed workers are responsible for our economy not recovering by greedily taking a fraction of their salary from insurance they’ve paid for over the years. The poor don’t pay their fair share in taxes, instead living it up working 3 jobs or signing up for the military. The elderly with their “entitlements” are draining the government of money that could be going to give the wealthiest 1% tax cuts which, as the end of the Bush Years prove, lead to exactly the kind of booming economy Obama inherited.

Okay, am I leaving out anyone?

Add to this…so, the Reichstag is literally burned down and Republicans are rhetorically burning down the institution of government and the SCOTUS…excuse me but are my royalty checks in the mail? I thought not.

And yet, despite the current GOP being a tribute to my work, I’m the Boogy Man to whom they constantly compare their enemies. You know, you slave for your kids, give them everything they have and then one day they steal your car for a joyride with their friends, talking smack about you the whole time to announce what a jerk you are while throwing up all over your fine Corinthian leather.

It’s no fun being ahead of your time. If only I had known my philosophy would have conquered half of America’s political parties 70 years later…I might have taken Eva out of the bunker for a movie that night.