FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
FOX NEWS – NEW REALITY SERIES ANNOUNCEMENT
NEW CORONAVIRUS-INSPIRED REALITY SERIES TO DEBUT ON FOX NEWS
From the mind of Rupert Murdoch comes a once in a lifetime breakthrough reality series that will launch this Spring on The Fox News Channel.
Topical, keeping America great and definitely on the money, this landmark series is based on the most frightening and threatening issue our nation and the entire world is facing right now, falling stock prices.
Titled, “Dying for Dollars”, this new talent-style competition for senior citizens and people of all ages with compromised immune systems will have a conservative all-star panel of judges including Brit Hume, Glenn Beck, and Texas Lieutenant Governor, Dan Patrick. It will be filmed on location on the Big Island of Hawaii.
The contestants will be randomly selected from communities all around the United States. They will be informed that they may likely be chosen to die for the good of the economy and encouraged to give their best performance to convince the panel why they are more valuable to society than they are a burden.
Viewers participate too, texting in their “thumbs down” on the contestants that they think should be pushed into the spectacular, lava churning volcano that is the great Mount Kilauea.
Each contestant will begin with an estimate displayed above them, their CPT (Cost Per Taker) and as they try to convince the panel of their value to society, they must sway the judges to reduce their CPG to zero. If they don’t reach zero when their time is up, their time is really up and they will be sacrificed into “The Benevolent Volcano of Capitalism”. The amount remaining of their CPT will be donated by the show and invested in the stock market with the guidance of Goldman Sachs and their strategic partner, Satan.
With an anticipated contestant pool of over 100 million seniors and people with pre-existing conditions, the producers of Dying for Dollars are confident that they can make a real difference in getting the country’s economy moving again…except for perhaps a few businesses such as adult diapers, hard candies and Ensure.
“It’s really heartwarming to be able to share that very special, final moment of kindness and love with Grandma and Grandpa, whether they’re hysterically crying, trembling in absolute panic or just wetting their pants. It’s a real gift, having them share first hand, all that they’ve given in their lives to America…when they used to be productive members of society, ” remarked Executive Producer, Brit Hume. “It fills me with pride and brings a tear to my eye, knowing how special The Greatest Generation was…it really hits home as you’re watching them violently thrown into a fiery, tortured death. I feel grateful to have played a part, however small it is, in their lives, knowing that what they leave behind is of even greater value to my stock portfolio.”
Hume stated that they will also be releasing an app so families can play “Dying for Dollars” at home on their phones…but volcanoes are optional. “We know many Americans out there are just as sociopathic as we are and would gladly sacrifice their grandparents for a more stable upward trend in the Dow so we look at this as a win-win…except for old folks I suppose, but you know, they’re practically dead anyway so it’s not like it’s a win-lose…more of a win-push…into a volcano!” Hume laughed. “And in the app, we provide a variety of methods to help Grandma and Grandpa ‘re-invest’ themselves into the economy that you can do in your own home, especially entertaining when you’re stuck in quarantine. It can be an activity for the whole family…or what will be the whole family!”
In addition to the app, Hume will be overseeing a number of ancillary businesses that are tied into the show. “There could be no better tribute to these noble seniors, giving their lives so that their grandkids can get back to work at their dead-end, minimum wage jobs without health insurance at Walmart…than to have the knowledge, as they plunge to their horrible deaths, that they will still be contributing to our society and economy,” Hume explained.
What Hume is referring to is that, on the night of the show’s debut, Fox News will also launch a new energy bar that will be promoted and displayed often on the show. It is totally organic with a smoky taste and a patriotic motto, “Of, By and For The People”. It’s been named “Soylent Green” and sports a fun, removable sticker that says, “Eat Me!”.