FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
FOX NEWS – NEW REALITY SERIES ANNOUNCEMENT
NEW CORONAVIRUS-INSPIRED REALITY SERIES TO DEBUT ON FOX NEWS
From the mind of Rupert Murdoch comes a once in a lifetime breakthrough reality series that will launch this Spring on The Fox News Channel.
Topical, keeping America great and definitely on the money, this landmark series is based on the most frightening and threatening issue our nation and the entire world is facing right now, falling stock prices.
Titled, “Dying for Dollars”, this new talent-style competition for senior citizens and people of all ages with compromised immune systems will have a conservative all-star panel of judges including Brit Hume, Glenn Beck, and Texas Lieutenant Governor, Dan Patrick. It will be filmed on location on the Big Island of Hawaii.
The contestants will be randomly selected from communities all around the United States. They will be informed that they may likely be chosen to die for the good of the economy and encouraged to give their best performance to convince the panel why they are more valuable to society than they are a burden.
Viewers participate too, texting in their “thumbs down” on the contestants that they think should be pushed into the spectacular, lava churning volcano that is the great Mount Kilauea.
Each contestant will begin with an estimate displayed above them, their CPT (Cost Per Taker) and as they try to convince the panel of their value to society, they must sway the judges to reduce their CPG to zero. If they don’t reach zero when their time is up, their time is really up and they will be sacrificed into “The Benevolent Volcano of Capitalism”. The amount remaining of their CPT will be donated by the show and invested in the stock market with the guidance of Goldman Sachs and their strategic partner, Satan.
With an anticipated contestant pool of over 100 million seniors and people with pre-existing conditions, the producers of Dying for Dollars are confident that they can make a real difference in getting the country’s economy moving again…except for perhaps a few businesses such as adult diapers, hard candies and Ensure.
“It’s really heartwarming to be able to share that very special, final moment of kindness and love with Grandma and Grandpa, whether they’re hysterically crying, trembling in absolute panic or just wetting their pants. It’s a real gift, having them share first hand, all that they’ve given in their lives to America…when they used to be productive members of society, ” remarked Executive Producer, Brit Hume. “It fills me with pride and brings a tear to my eye, knowing how special The Greatest Generation was…it really hits home as you’re watching them violently thrown into a fiery, tortured death. I feel grateful to have played a part, however small it is, in their lives, knowing that what they leave behind is of even greater value to my stock portfolio.”
Hume stated that they will also be releasing an app so families can play “Dying for Dollars” at home on their phones…but volcanoes are optional. “We know many Americans out there are just as sociopathic as we are and would gladly sacrifice their grandparents for a more stable upward trend in the Dow so we look at this as a win-win…except for old folks I suppose, but you know, they’re practically dead anyway so it’s not like it’s a win-lose…more of a win-push…into a volcano!” Hume laughed. “And in the app, we provide a variety of methods to help Grandma and Grandpa ‘re-invest’ themselves into the economy that you can do in your own home, especially entertaining when you’re stuck in quarantine. It can be an activity for the whole family…or what will be the whole family!”
In addition to the app, Hume will be overseeing a number of ancillary businesses that are tied into the show. “There could be no better tribute to these noble seniors, giving their lives so that their grandkids can get back to work at their dead-end, minimum wage jobs without health insurance at Walmart…than to have the knowledge, as they plunge to their horrible deaths, that they will still be contributing to our society and economy,” Hume explained.
What Hume is referring to is that, on the night of the show’s debut, Fox News will also launch a new energy bar that will be promoted and displayed often on the show. It is totally organic with a smoky taste and a patriotic motto, “Of, By and For The People”. It’s been named “Soylent Green” and sports a fun, removable sticker that says, “Eat Me!”.
I know you are kidding AbLib, but I would not be at all surprised if Fox “News” don’t file a lawsuit against you for your satire.
Good read.
Thanks TOCB!
If they did, I’d be happy to contribute financially and personally to lodge a class action suit against Fox News for endangering and even bringing about the deaths of people who believed their original propaganda that COVID-19 was a Dem hoax and no worse than the flu. That’s a lawsuit that should be filed anyway and hopefully will.
AdLib — you may not believe this, but my eyes teared up as I read your glowing review of the upcoming Fox series “Dying For Dollars.”
In ordinary circumstances, I want to assure you my eyes would have teared up anyway at reading your tribute to the show. But in the interest of full disclosure,
I’m obliged to tell you (with the clear understanding you won’t mention this to a
soul until after the debut of “Dying for Dollars”) that right now Fox is shooting a promo for the show on the Big Island of Hawaii. And at this very moment as I’m actually standing on the rim of Mount Kilauea, the smoke from the churning lava
is contributing to my eyes tearing!
I can’t tell you how thrilled I am to have been chosen to be in the promo to represent all the grandmas and grandpas of America who will die in the volcano
to save the economy of our country and help re-elect our great Adolph — I mean Donald — Trump! I’d like to tell you more, but AIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE….!
Aha! That’s why you’re tearing up!
I’m impressed that you were chosen for the promo, the first to be sacrificed to The Gods of the Dow. One helpful hint when you jump into the volcano, you really want to get it right on the first take.
Oh no! Just read the last line of your comment! I hope your hair looked good!!!
Um…um….Harrumph! Sorry, my throat is still a little raw
from the lava I swallowed before it vaporized me. Now before I
say anything else, I wouldn’t be surprised if you think I’m speaking
to you from beyond the grave, so to speak, or more accurately, from beyond my cremation.
And that’s what I thought for a minute or so when Donald Trump told me he was so impressed by my sacrifice that he pardoned me from my fiery death and restored me to life!
But I’m here to tell you everything about the “Dying for Dollars” promo was fake — from the full-scale papier mache Mount Kilauea, to the glowing lava produced by billions of fake fireflies with orange neon in the lower part of their abdomens, to the smoke from the tons of dry ice vapor billowing from the fake crater, to the fake Donald Trump who said he had restored me to life. And what about the burning lava I swallowed in my plunge into the fake crater? It was just jalapeno sauce — and even it was fake, as the burning sensation lasted only a few seconds.
And speaking of the fake Donald Trump, since I now realize he’s a fake president, the guy who talked to me may have really been him — not that it would have made any difference!
And by the way, I saw the promo video before I told the crew what I thought of them and left, and my hair looked great. It really did, it was the best hair in the world. I don’t know if it really did look great, I’m not saying it. By everyone there was saying it looked great. All of them did, but I’m not saying it.
Oh man, you’ve shattered my faith in reality TV! I swear I saw you die, I thought for sure you were a ghost of vengeance! Damn, it was all fake? I should’ve known! And now I hear it wasn’t shot in Hawaii, that fake Kilhuea was shot at Mar-a-Lago! Wow…a fake reality show, who would have thunk it…except anyone living through Trump’s current fake reality show?
I know Trump has stand-ins for Melania, I’d bet he has stand-ins for himself. It probably took a long time for Trump to cast a stand-in, he kept hiring guys who were 6′ 2″ and weighed 230 and for some odd reason, they didn’t resemble him at all…except if they put on a fat suit and hunched over.
Trump probably wouldn’t have aired the pilot if he knew how perfect and tremendous your hair was!
I’m really sorry to have shattered your faith in reality TV, but if it took this to do it, well….
And speaking of your betting Trump has stand-ins for himself, he used to; but he finally scraped the bottom of the barrel and could no longer find anyone so debased to impersonate him.
Do you remember when I said “And speaking of the fake Donald Trump, since I now realize he’s a fake president, the guy who talked to me may have really been him — not that it would have made any difference!”?
Well, it actually was Trump. He thought he could get away with it by having me sign a Non-disclosure agreement; but as I was signing it, I yelled “Look, a squirrel!” And wouldn’t you know it, Trump screamed “WHERE?” and bolted off trying to find it.
By the time he came back three hours later panting in exhaustion with his clothing in shreds, I had more than enough time to white-out the “Non-” in Non-disclosure; so I signed it with a clear conscience, making it a “Disclosure” agreement. And this is why I can tell you it really was Trump.
And you’re so right about my hair. In fact I’m in hiding now because Trump was so impressed with my hair he offered me two billion dollars to grow several inches, gain 100 pounds, and have plastic surgery to look just like him so he could stop acting like the smartest and greatest president in history.
He thinks he’s fooled everyone so far, but he’s really worried he won’t be able to keep it up and the strain is starting to get to him. And that’s why I’m in hiding now. I certainly wouldn’t stoop to pretend to be Donald Trump. While I might bend a little, I absolutely won’t stoop!
Now, reality television will always just be the cause of a monster being in power in the WH.
Trump has found that the cheapest solution to a stand in is the one that looks the most like him. They just put an outhouse on a dolly and throw a wig on top. Many people will instantly shout out, “Mr. President!” at the sight (or smell).
That’s a fascinating story! I hear Trump has also run screaming from his own reflection since he also has fears that he’s an imposter. Who could be as stupid and horrible as the real Donald Trump? Not him, in his mind.
Could there be a nightmare any scarier than waking up and seeing that you’re Donald Trump? Was that on Black Mirror or the new Twilight Zone?
Maybe we could work out something, you keep trying to resemble him and we’ll make the switch. I’m working with an Ivanka look-alike who can be the bait, he can’t resist chasing after her, we can have her run past a Burmese tiger trap (minus the spikes) and once he falls into it, substitute you for him.
What do you think?
I don’t know where you’re getting your information, but
it’s surprisingly accurate.
When Trump began to run from his own reflection, his
staff simply removed the mirrors from their frames. But this didn’t help; for when he saw no reflection at all, he
thought he had vanished and howled so loudly wolves from as far away as Yellowstone National Park rushed to the White House to see who was raising such a ruckus. And they weren’t happy at all when they found out it was Trump. You don’t want to know what happened then….
In my case, a nightmare scarier than waking up and seeing I’m Donald Trump would be joining with you in
your proposed plan and taking the risk of morphing into
him mentally as well as physically after the switch. Just looking exactly like him physically would be bad enough….
But with the future of our country at stake, what else can I say but “Let George do it!”? George who? Maybe George Stephanopoulos. And if he doesn’t want to help,
there must be lots of other Georges in the country, and I’ll be glad to help you choose one to make the switch at the right time.