FBI Director James Comey sent a letter to Congress today to inform them that he is opening an investigation into a ham sandwich that was found in disgraced ex-Congressman Anthony Weiner’s refrigerator. Comey explained in his letter that in pursuit of transparency, he felt it his duty to inform Congress immediately.
LETTER FROM FBI DIRECTOR JAMES COMEY TO CONGRESS
Dear Messrs Charimen:
I am writing to inform you that data was discovered on Mr. Weiner’s computer that is pertinent to our investigation into Secretary Hillary Clinton’s private email server, Anthony Weiner’s sexting and scary clown sightings.
It is pertinent but may not be significant, it is related but may be meaningless, it is tangential but could be a big bag of intestinal gas. So of course, a jarring announcement about this that could impact the election and change the course of history seemed appropriate.
In one of the browser windows on Mr. Weiner’s computer, an online deli menu was found. We have not as yet ascertained if the ham sandwich in his refrigerator was ordered from that deli menu or involved in any of the previously mentioned investigations but following our protocol, we have opened a secret investigation into the ham sandwich that we won’t tell anyone about in order to protect its integrity. No one will know about it. It will be top secret and confidential, revealing the existence of this investigation would be just as unethical as keeping confidential information on a private server. So we would never do that. Ever. Promise.
A determination about the involvement of the ham sandwich in our other investigations will be made as judiciously as possible and should take at least until lunch time. Due to my previous testimony before Congress that I would not be investigating any luncheon meats for potential criminal activity, I thought it important to update your committees about this swiftly.
Also, I will begin investigating potential involvement by erection enhancing pills due to another email discovered on Mr. Weiner’s computer. I will lead the FBI in taking a real hands on approach to this, it is the type of thing the FBI spends all day handling as a top priority which we hope is more evident now than ever.
FBI Director James Comey
p.s. Trump/Pence 2016!!!