DATELINE: Alternate Reality 3546
by Anderson Looper
Despite the flurry of panicked cell phone calls from desperate passengers on board, Captain Donald Trump of the ocean liner, the SS. Titanic, phoned members of the press and assured them the Titanic is not currently sinking.
“Believe me, the Titanic is sailing along just fantastic right now. Really, it’s unbelievable how huge and incredible this ship is, it’s in fantastic shape and sailing faster and better than any ship in the world,” Captain Trump expressed. “Like always, you people in the corrupt, liberal media, and it is corrupt, so corrupt, are lying to the public and telling them actually the opposite of what really is going on. Yes, we hit an iceberg that had illegally immigrated into this part of the ocean to endanger our lives but because a ship captained by Trump is so powerful, it’s the iceberg that’s now sinking, not us.”
Confronted by journalists that ice doesn’t sink, Trump doubled down on his claim. “Ice doesn’t sink? Let me tell you something about science, it’s rigged. That’s why no one trusts science today! Ice sinks, believe me, I’ve seen it with my own eyes. That iceberg is sinking right now and we aren’t, I promise you that,” Trump exhorted. Meanwhile, in the background, the loud wailing of a klaxon and people screaming and running around the ship in panic continued.
A reporter asked him about the series of severe setbacks that his captaining of the Titanic had brought about over the past week that has caused its owner’s stock, GOP (Geriatric Oligarchy Partners) LLC to plummet. “First there was the losing debate you had with Captain Clinton of the S.S. Sanity when your ships confronted each other, then you threw women overboard after criticizing them on their weight, you sent out an S.O.S. at 3 am just to insist that people watch a non-existent porn video, it was uncovered that you’ve avoided paying the standard docking fees for 18 years, the Titanic Foundation that was set up as a charity, has been ordered by the government to cease and desist due to improper activity and now, a poll of your current passengers says the Titanic is indeed sinking after hitting a number of icebergs in the last several days that you steered into. Can you really continue as a viable captain from here?”
Trump brushed off all of it by saying, “Let me tell you something, not only are we not sinking, my ship is actually rising out of the water. We are defying gravity because gravity is a fraud that’s been perpetrated by the establishment. And even if we were taking on water, water floats in water! It wouldn’t sink us!”
Asked if he would ever resign his position if he had steered his ship into serious trouble, Captain Trump replied, “First of all, I am the greatest captain that has ever captained a ship so that would never happen. And I would never change direction, I’m very happy about the direction we’re going. Where the Titanic is headed right now is where I’m headed and nothing can stop us!”