As Earth was invaded today by the alien and monstrous Parademon shock troops serving Lord Darkseid, the tyrannical and ruthless dictator of the fiery planet Apokolips, Donald Trump followed up his praise of Darkseid as “the kind of strong leader that America needs” by offering him the role of his Vice-President.
Darkseid was surprisingly flattered by the offer and after wiping blood spattered flesh and bone off of his gloves, firmly shook Trump’s hand to seal the deal.”All humans shall bow down before us and serve us or be ground into dust. We will bring destruction to your civilization and massive firepits will ring your planet, turning it into a New Apokolips, forever burning in tribute to your overlords!” Darkseid declared which Trump followed up by saying, “And who will pay for it? Mexico!”
Trump lauded Darkseid’s similar disinterest in Political Correctness. “I mean, does this guy tell it like it is, or what? Aren’t we sick of Political Correctness? Believe me, if he says he’s going to transform the human race into horribly deformed and tortured slaves, he’s not just saying it like Washington politicians, believe me!”
Many in the Republican establishment, despite witnessing their own constituents and even family members being torn to shreds by Darkseid’s bloodthirsty Parademons, are continuing to get behind Trump and his new Trump/Darkseid ticket.
“Hey, I’ll tell you one thing, it sure beats having Hillary as President,” commented Trump supporter, Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions while wading knee deep through the bloody carnage of tens of thousands of dismembered Alabama citizens. “Can you imagine what her liberal policies would do to the people of this country?!”
Outgoing Florida Senator and former Trump rival Marco Rubio took a break from a helicopter tour of the massive firepit incinerating the entire population of Miami, to explain why even he stands behind the Trump/Darkeid ticket, “I made a vow early on in the primary to support the eventual Republican nominee and I feel I owe it to the remaining citizens of Florida, no matter how few, to keep my word.”
After consulting with Darkseid, Trump has “evolved” on a number of issues that he has been assuring his supporters he would put into effect if elected President. “When I said I would give cuts to all Americans, the liberal media of course twisted the meaning all around into ‘Oh no, he’s gonna cut taxes so much it’s gonna make the deficit go up!’ No, I said cuts and I meant cuts, mostly to the neck. We need jobs and this new policy I’ve worked out with my running mate, will end unemployment forever! We’ll create millions of new available jobs!”
Trump boasted that by his ticket exterminating 99% of lower wage jobs…and the Americans that do them, all Americans will soon be one percenters. “This is what capitalism is all about, letting those with the smarts and the loyalty of armies of mutated demons rise to the top,” Trump stated. “America is the land of opportunity and neither I nor Darkseid will rest until we’ve proven to all Americans that everyone has the chance to become a psychopathic tyrant in America with an unquenchable thirst for wealth and power, you just have to want it bad enough!”
Confronted by claims that while speaking like a populist, he is actually participating in an assault on the country’s democratic system and the Constitutional rights of all Americans to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, Trump laughed, “Really? You’re going to focus on that when Hillary Clinton was married to a man who had affairs on her twenty years ago? Why don’t we talk about the things that really matter today?!”
There have been reports of Republican support for Trump dwindling in polls but subsequent reports have pointed out that those results were skewed by Darkseid’s materialization of a black hole in the Deep South that sucked in much of the population of Mississippi, Louisiana and Arkansas.