Dr. Ben Carson has surged in the polls in the last week to take the national lead from Donald Trump among the Republicans running for President.
Showing a diligent disregard for how wrong polls have always proven to be when taken this far away from an election, the media is now all abuzz over polls that show Ben Carson even with Hillary Clinton. As far as meaningless polls go, this is an important one, especially for people who are not deterred by perspective or history.
In response to these polls, Ben Carson’s camp has released a list of the first actions that Ben Carson would take if elected President.
THE FIRST 3 ACTS OF PRESIDENT BEN CARSON
- REPEAL OBAMACARE AND REPLACE WITH LEECHES. “Sometimes the old ways are the best ways. Obamacare is bankrupting our country and if we truly want to bring the cost of healthcare down, we need to repeal it and cut the expensive cost of today’s medical technology. My proposal is to replace Obamacare with a more affordable plan, sending a one-time healthcare package to all Americans that includes leeches, a do-it-yourself suture kit, a prosthetic leg and a 20% discount card for CVS.”
- GIVE TAX CUTS TO CHRISTIANS. “Our tax laws are written to encourage desired behavior so with that in mind, to encourage people to correct their mistaken beliefs in other religions, I will sign a new tax law that slashes income taxes only for Christians. Just as God will make Muslims, Jews, scientists, etc. pay for their beliefs, I will use this “Torquemada Tax” to put the screws to non-Christians, making them pay until it hurts so much that they finally give in and convert. Of their own free will, that is.”
- DE-REGULATE LICENSING OF DOCTORS. “Part of what I think would make me a great President is that is that I haven’t spent any of my life as a leader or a politician. I think the best person for the job could be the one who can come at it with a fresh, new perspective. So by removing the need for doctors to be licensed, we could get all kinds of new and exciting approaches in medicine! Why not let a barista do liposuction? A jackhammer operator give a colonoscopy? Or a clown be a brain surgeon?”
Carson is also considering changing the legal system to be more in sync with God’s wrath, making gay marriage a crime punishable by having to wear the wardrobe of Appalachian brothers and classifying moderating a debate as a hate crime.