On the heels of its latest success in branding the Umpqua Community College shootings the fault of gun control activists who fight against guns being allowed in schools and elsewhere, the NRA has announced its new “NRA’s Universally Thoughtful Solutions” (NUTS) think tank that will offer their unique brand of reasoning on a variety of other social and political issues.
This morning a variety of position papers were released. In one, responding to the record flooding that has gripped South Carolina through torrential rains, NUTS proposed that the only way to stop flooding from a bad storm, is with flooding from a good storm. NUTS has hired planes to seed clouds over the inundated South Carolina in hopes of bringing about “good” rains.
“Floods don’t kill people, people who breathe in water kill people,” noted NUTS Director Seymour Kihls. “If a bad wall of water is coming at a town, the only way to stop it is with a good wall of water coming right at it!”
When asked about those who believe in flood control instead to stop the flooding from occurring in the first place, Kihls vigorously attacked that approach. “It’s a slippery slope, first they’ll make it illegal for water to be openly carried by streets, then they’ll take away our rights to own water, they want to take away all of our water and this is how it starts!”
Kihls is leading a new initiative to pass laws in all fifty states that allow for the concealed carrying of water without a license. As part of a nationally organized protest next month, NUTS is asking all NRA members to join this protest by marching together across the country after wetting their pants.”This will show the true character of our kind of NRA members, we’ll be wetting our pants again and again and nothing is going to stop us,” Kihls proclaimed.
“I’ll give you my water when you pry it from my cold, dead underwear,” Kihls stated bravely.