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KillgoreTrout On September - 4 - 2015


It was a dark and stormy night as two gay novelists were driving through Kentucky on their way to New York, to get married. They were madly in love with each other and had made the heavy decision to tie the not and live together till death do them part.

As they drove through the torrential rain, in the darkness, their car hydroplaned off the road and down a small hillside, badly injuring them both, and knocking them unconscious.

As the next morning’s light broke through the shattered windshield, a graying, portly woman peered into the car. With great strength and much struggle, she managed to rescue them and bring them to her secluded home deep in the surrounding woods. As fate would have it, this brave and caring woman, named Kim, was a registered nurse and quickly tended to the writers’ broken bones, cuts and contusions.

On the following day, the writers came out of their unconscious states and Kim told them of the accident and assured them they would take quite a while to heal enough to leave on their own and make it to New York to be wedded.

While going through their things, Kim found a manuscript, co-written by these two novelists. The book was a semi-autobiography about two gay men who met and fell in love and decided to marry. Kim, as it turned out, was a very strict fundamentalist Christian and was appalled by what she had read in the manuscript.

Well, she could not, in good conscience, let such an abomination take place, either the marriage, or the publication of the novel.

Kim soon began to torture both men. She would drug them, rant and rave at them for being gay and violating God’s Law, and even broke their legs anew, so they couldn’t escape.

Fortunately for these poor men, a federal judge was passing by and noticed something afoul. He summoned his marshals and stormed the creepy old abode and freed these poor souls. He then promptly arrested nurse Kim and sent her to jail, until she apologized to these men and issued them a complimentary license to marry in the state of Old Kentucky, if they so chose.

(My sincere apologies to the wonderful actress, Kathy Bates)

Written by KillgoreTrout

Once a wander, working vagabond, fellow traveler on this 3rd stone from the sun. Hurtling through space and time. Lover of books (especially the classics), all kinds of books from novels, poetry, essay collections, fiction and nonfiction and a big Kurt Vonnegut fan. I am a secular humanist and technically an atheist.....Taoist.

22 Responses so far.

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  1. monicaangela says:

    The Marriage License Nazi upon release from prison yesterday accompanied by Mike Hucksterbee and Looney tunes Cruz was asked why she is so adamant about not issuing licenses to same sex couples. After thinking about it a minute, this is what she said…referring to Jesus of course:

    Well her response IMHO was just as phony. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • I love that movie…sooo much! The Coen brothers are definitely a refreshing change from most other “Hollywood,” filmmakers.

      The Huckster and Cruz are true charlatans. I think Davis is a genuine fanatic, wallowing in her own delusions about being “saved,” and because of that, feels she is some sort of warrior for God.

      She would have fit right in, in Jonestown. Hey Kim, try the kool-aid, it’s yummy! ๐Ÿ˜‰

      • monicaangela says:

        It was a really good movie. I hadn’t thought of the Jonestown connection, but I believe you are correct, she would have been excellent as Jim’s assistant. ๐Ÿ™‚

        • I think, with enough of Jones’ brainwashing, Kim, in frothing zealotry, would have gleefully force fed that kool-aid down the throats of children.

          I know that may sound a bit harsh, but when I saw that photo of her, after being released from jail, with both arms raised to the heavens, in some sort of religious victory frenzy, I could see her as being one of Jones’ cadre. A willing participant.

          • monicaangela says:

            It doesn’t sound harsh at all to me KT, I believe you have nailed it. It would take a zealot like this to actually do something like that to children, thinking she was doing something wonderful for “HER” God. Something she mistakenly believes the Bible is telling her to do.

            IMHO there is no difference in someone taking it upon themselves to interpret the Bible for others when it comes to Christianity than it is for zealots of any other religion to begin trying to force what they feel is the correct interpretation of whatever guideline they think they are following on others. Sad thing in this world when people for power and wealth go to the extreme of using whatever means possible to control the minds of others.

  2. monicaangela says:

    Hey KT,

    The plot thickens…Judge orders Marriage license Nazi released after five days in jail. Why? It was about to turn into a clown show. Ted Cruz and Mike Huckabee had asked to visit her in jail, they were also going to hold a rally outside the jail with the maniacs that have been protesting for her release there. This judge is really smart. He let her out with the stipulation she would not under any circumstances interfere with her clerks who have during the period she has been in jail, been issuing marriage licenses to gay couples. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Apparently, the Liberty Counsel has fanagled a way for Kim to have a “religious exemption,” from doing her job as county clerk, as long as such duties would infringe on her religious beliefs.

      I think it’s a bit of bullshit, but apparently the law does allow for such exemptions. I would ask, what about the 14th amendment?

      I guess as long as her underlings issue these licenses and leave her out of it, all is well. I do not, however, believe that government employees should be allowed such exemptions. It blurs the line between church and state.

      I also have to wonder, how does a county clerk get paid 80 grand a year?

      • monicaangela says:

        This attachment to a petition at change.org says it better than I ever could.

        “Rowan County clerk Kim Davis has refused to do her job for over a month. She has used her position to discriminate against the LGBT community claiming that it violates her religious beliefs. She has disobeyed her supervisor, the US Supreme Court, and the Appeals Court. Now she has closed “her” office and refused to come to work. It is high time that she be removed from office. Time that the tax papers be heard and she is no longer allowed to be paid by the hard working tax payers who had spoken. Enough is enough. She states that issuing a marriage license to any member of the LGBT community is against her religious beliefs. If she were black refusing to serve a white, or Muslim refusing to serve a member of the Jewish community she would have been immediately removed. It’s time she does her job or gets replaced. It’s time she stopped taking money away from the needy and from children and the school systems with frivolous Appeals.”

        As to her salary and how she gets paid 80 grand, that’s easy. We, the tax payers of this nation get to pay the salaries of government employees, but we never get to voice our opinion as to what those salaries should be and what the job should entail. Many, many congressmen, senators, and yes even judges get paid by the taxpayers of this nation and are not doing their job either. I think this is something the electorate should begin to question, especially since these same people are constantly debating what the minimum wage should be and if it should be raised or not.

  3. kesmarn says:

    Wonderful and witty, Homie!

    Kim Davis and her supporters seem to view her as a latter day Joan of Arc. (They might want to check out how that story ended.)

    But I think your comparison is a lot more accurate.

    Given the attention span of the American public, don’t you have to wonder how appealing that jail cell is going to be in two or three weeks, when everyone’s attention has been drawn back to The Donald once again?

    • Hey Homie! I’m glad you enjoyed this little piece. I just noticed a close resemblance between the Marriage License Nazi and Kathy Bates’ character in Misery. That character was also a religious fanatic, so I just sort of combined them into this fictional one.

      It was a bit of fun. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  4. Kalima says:

    Hello KT.

    This was really funny. Well done! ๐Ÿ˜†

    Saw her mugshot and there was no one home. The eyes were dead and she looked well and truly brainwashed. Saw the same eyes and facial expression on the followers of Aum Shinrikyo before and after they were arrested for the Tokyo sarin gas attack. It is the face of a cult member, and the GOP candidates are milking it for all they can get out of it. Disgusting!

    Posted this on yesterday’s MB, it made me laugh too.



    Kentucky clerk unknowingly issued marriage license to transgender man

    Camryn Colen and his wife obtained marriage license in February from Kim Davis, who has been summoned for denying paperwork to same-sex couples


    • Many thanks Kalima. I think it’s great that the Marriage License Nazi unwittingly gave a license to a transgender man and his significant other.

      Does it count, if it’s unwitting? ๐Ÿ˜‰

      • Kalima says:

        Oh I would say it counts in double points. How will she explain that to a God I have never heard of?

        Saw her husband in a video clip blaming the President. Well of course, who else can these dumb nutters blame. Charming.

        • Oh yeah, president Obama is their default bad guy, in every instance.

          Of course, for people who live in the real world, there is absolutely 0 connection. I weep for America! ๐Ÿ™

          • Kalima says:

            It’s just a small percentage of over 350 million people. I have hope that sanity will prevail as long as the repubs don’t get anywhere near the WH.

            Saw this great Tweet that sums up the Davis situation perfectly.

            ” alt=”” />

            Have a good evening.

  5. Beatlex says:

    LOL! Brilliant Killgore,really funny stuff!

  6. monicaangela says:

    I just can’t stop laughing about this…excellent fiction based on a similar true life story. Does someone need to expose corrupted religion? You bet they do. Does America need to be given a refresher course on what Sharia law means? You bet we do. Do right wing Go Fund Me organizations need to stop promoting bigotry, hatred, stupidity and fake religion, you bet they do. I feel sorry for Kathy Bates/Annie Wilkes, she is no where near as terrible as Kim Davis, not even playing her role in Misery a role for which she won an Academy Award.

    Great story though KT!! I was on the edge of my seat until the ending..or should I say the happy ending when the wicked witch of Rowan Country Kentucky got her just deserts, a free bed in the County Jail. ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. AdLib says:

    Very clever, KT!

    There’s another Stephen King character Kim Davis reminds me of too…


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