It’s October and getting a jump on Halloween, our cable news stations have already transformed themselves into haunted houses! Enjoy the thrills, the scares and the frighteningly repetitive commercials for how wonderful oil companies are and what a terrifying epidemic there is in our nation of penises that can’t get erect! Oooh….it’s sca-a-ry!!!
Each news network has its own uniquely constructed House of Horrors but they do share some of the same shockers including…
WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE FROM EBOLA!
This enormous room features 317 million Americans, none of whom have ever contracted ebola…running around the room in terror from a single Liberian tourist in a mummy costume with the world “EBOLA!!!” written on his chest who weakly shuffles after them.
WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE FROM ISIS!
This room is decorated like an ordinary bedroom with an ordinary American couple quietly sleeping in bed, until ISIS fighters dressed in black and carrying swords, crawl out from under the bed and sneak out of the closet to chop the couple’s heads off!
Then there are the unique areas of the different news station haunted houses:
CNN’S HAUNTED HOUSE
Rooms include:
“The Control Room” – A network control room where holograms and ridiculously extravagant digital effects stab Walter Cronkite and Edward R. Murrow to death.
“WereWolf Blitzer!” – When the full moon rises in the background, Wolf Blitzer’s beard comes to life and grows across his entire body while he howls in absolute fear at not being able to see his face in the video monitor anymore.
“Ghosts of Panics Past!” – An area decorated as a cemetery with the living dead jumping out of graves marked with headstones that say, “Mad Cow Disease!”, “Killer Bees!”, “Avian Flu!”, “Y2K!”, “Mayan Calendar!”, “Obamacare!”, etc.
MSNBC’S HAUNTED HOUSE
Rooms include:
“Chuck Todd’s Head” – A virtually empty, dim room occupied by an ugly troll trying to hammer a nail with a banana.
“Hall of Exceptionally Flattering Mirrors” – A room of warped mirrors set beside a cardboard stand-up image of President Obama which make anyone standing in front of them appear to be taller, smarter, more principled and farther to the left than he is.
“Dr. Maddow and Mr. Corporation!” – Rachel Maddow sits at a news desk and describes the corrupt nature of corporations then the lights go out and when they come back on, a corporate shill with a shirt labeled “Commercial!” sits in the chair instead, smiling and wringing his hands as he contradicts everything Maddow just said.
FOX NEWS HAUNTED HOUSE
“Benghostli!” – A room filled with Fox News hosts run around and scream hysterically as they point at absolutely nothing.
“Obamascare!” A judge-like Death Panel look down at hospital patients standing before them in hospital gowns then pull out automatic weapons and shoot them as they laugh maniacally.
“Brides of Foxenstein!” Women are made up to look like the Bride of Frankenstein, chasing after and terrorizing older white men by demanding control over their own bodies and equal pay.
“Night of the Living Murdoch!” A mummy that looks a thousand years old and owns a global media empire, takes the wallets and purses of every visitor daring to come through here.
With more than four weeks to go until Halloween, prepare yourself for more scary rooms to be added to the news networks’ haunted houses…leading up to the biggest scare of all just after Halloween, “Republicans Could Win The Senate!” (that’s got to give the whole country the heebie-jeebies!)
Well done as usual Ad, they just LOVE to gin up the fear. CNN should be FNN (FearNewsNetwork).
Nicely done!
And unfortunately, Fox and its sensationalism seem to be setting the tone for all the MSM, at least on ISIS and Ebola.
There was an interesting workshop at S17, the third anniversary of Occupy Wall Street. It was called ‘occupy the media’, and was about the increasing irrelevance of the news networks. There were various news source organizations that want real reporting from people on the ground. the people organizing the workshop had even put together laminated press cards. If the networks aren’t up to their job, we have to be the media.
Ad, outstanding.Shared on my FB and will place this one on several blogs! Thanks for the laughs….!
I heard that there was a Palin-Bachmann room called feature creature screechers where normal people had to listen to both of them at the same time causing there haids to splode! I think it’s right next to the Benghostli room. LOL Well done!
Harleigh, that’s a room that I would call, “Night of the Living Dead Brain Cells!”
Ad, that is funny, but don’t they have to have had brain cells to have them be dead?
Harleigh, just imagining those two screechers tone …..!!!!!!LMAO!
Just don’t enter that room with non-safety lenses as they would explode faster than Ella Fitzgerald could make them.
Ad, one laugh after another. Brilliant satire as always!!
My fave, for the record, “The Control Room”.
Cheers, slm! Thanks so much!
Once again Ad, you have outdone yourself. Very funny but also very scary that the “news” stations are not reporting news. They try to make “news”!
Nirek, it has become a pretty terrible evolution in the news biz, no longer reporting but trying to manufacture news. And instill panic in the public too. If The Founders could see what’s going on now, they might have completely revised the 1st Amendment.