Bad Grandpa O'Reilly

In a remarkable turn of non-events, the major cable news stations all declared that there really isn’t any news today so they have nothing meaningful to offer to the public until tomorrow.

MSNBC President Phil Griffin stated, “Hate to say but there’s nothing new to report today to the American public. I mean, we could recycle stories from previous days, focusing just on hyping up outrage and partisan anger but that just wouldn’t be responsible.”

Jeff Zucker, President of CNN expressed similar sentiments, “What kind of a news organization would we be if we beat a dead horse…or a missing jet…day after day, just filling hours with knowingly worthless and melodramatic speculation or repetition? Nope, there’s no new stories today so there’s nothing for us to broadcast. Sorry, that’s just the way it is.”

Fox News President, Roger Ailes, described today this way, “Our headline today is, “Go read a book, nothing to see here!” Ailes shook his head in resignation, “You have days like this in the news business. The first three letters in “news” is “new” and there isn’t anything new today. Just the same stories we’ve already reported on and you don’t want to hear us recycling those into preposterous scandals or simply making up stories that aren’t true just to feed an addiction to anger, that may be what propagandists do but it’s not what genuine news organizations do.”

What’s just as fascinating is what the hosts on these networks are doing to fill time on their shows.

On CNN, Wolf Blitzer used his time on The Situation Room to re-enact the classic movie, “Miracle on 34th Street”, playing the role of Santa Claus and being particularly enthusiastic in the scene where Santa gets bubble gum stuck in his beard.

On MSNBC, Joe Scarborough dedicated his program, Morning Joe, to assembling an Ikea living room set, having an especially difficult time reading the instructions and putting things together properly.

On Fox News, Bill O’Reilly appeared on his show, The O’Reilly Factor, with Tucker Carlson sitting on his knee as they did a faux ventriloquist comedy act. Sean Hannity stopped by, juggling bowling pins, then joined O’Reilly in a rendition of the old Abbott and Costello sketch, “Who’s On First?”.

Back to CNN, Erin Burnett spent her time on her program, Out Front, on the streets of Manhattan pulling pranks on passers by, including having Anderson Cooper dress up as a zombie and asking people casually if they had brains he could eat.

Chris Matthews used his program, Hardball, to host a dance contest between couples made up of GOP Chairman Reince Priebus and MSNBC host Andrea Mitchell dancing against MSNBC host, Ed Schultz and DNC Chairwoman and House Representative Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Priebus and Mitchell received a standing ovation for their seamless tango).

Earlier, on Fox and Friends, Steve Doocy led his cohosts in a Jackass-style series of stunts including Brian Kilmeade kicking a football directly into Doocy’s crotch, Clayton Morris launching Anna Koolman into a wall with a catapult and Elisabeth Hasselbeck clamping Tucker Carlson’s head in a waffle iron.

There was snap polling of the regular viewers of each channel which revealed some interesting results. An average of 28% of viewers said they enjoyed the news-less programming, 18% said they did not enjoy it and 52% claimed they hadn’t noticed any difference.

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Pete GellerMojave GreenNoManIsAnIslandkesmarnKalima Recent comment authors
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Pete Geller
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Pete Geller

Sorry Adlib….Forgot to thank you for the laugh!

Pete Geller
Member
Pete Geller

6 corporations own over 90 percent of propaganda….I mean media in our country. Any questions?

Mojave Green
Guest
Mojave Green

That anyone would go to any of the named talking heads for ‘news’ is both frightening and sad. Anyone have an opinion on why someone felt the need to repeal the Smith-Mundt Act? I’m curious, since I never see it mentioned in any U.S. based ‘media’.

NoManIsAnIsland
Member
NoManIsAnIsland

As they say down under, AdLib, “fan-bloody-tastic” — LOL!

kesmarn
Admin

Just wonderful, AdLib.

Of course, as we all know, there’s a huge amount of real news out there that’s begging for coverage (arms dealing in the ME…drug cartels in Central America…the GOP voting for more tax breaks for corporations…Islamist extremist gangs in Africa), but investigating that kind of stuff might cause Bill O’Reilly to break a nail, or Sean Hannity’s hair to get messed up.

Best to stick to Fantasy News. So much safer.

Kalima
Admin

Well in this case, no news really is good news, AdLib, if only it were true. *sigh*

The picture of Billoliely is worth a thousand words, but I wouldn’t waste a single one on a hyper, untalented blowhard like him.

As always, thank you for the laugh.

NoManIsAnIsland
Member
NoManIsAnIsland

Amen, Kalima, and so THAT’s what “Bill O’Liely” looks like! 😉

pinkpantheroz
Member

Outstanding, Adlib! It makes me feel so good that there isn’t anything newsy today on the cable channels. It justifies my decision NOT to install cable at all. So I now know I’m not missing a bloody thing, no matter how fictional!

VegasBabe
Member

LMAO! I was just minutes away of believing the whole thing. Ever the most gullible one in the room! Well done!

monicaangela
Member

LOL !! You made my day AdLib. 🙂

Beatlex
Member
Beatlex

You crack me up AdLib! Mockery is the correct response to the stupid sh!+ we are fed by these clowns!

KillgoreTrout
Member

BTW Ad, I love the graphic. It’s perfect. O’Reilly really is a child grown old.

MurphTheSurf3
Editor

The punch line:

“There was snap polling of the regular viewers of each channel which revealed some interesting results.

An average of 28% of viewers said they enjoyed the news-less programming, 18% said they did not enjoy it and
52% claimed they hadn’t noticed any difference.”

==============Literally a punch line i.e. a punch in the gut=========

Much of what shows up on the big three networks and the big three cable satellite channel is worn out news with the same story told over and over again; or it is empty news with the story having no substance devoid of the who, what, when, where, and why important that are at the heart of sound journalism; or it meaningless news that cannot be applied to lives of the listener, viewer for lack of meaningful and honest interpretation; or is is deceptive news that misinforms in service to a particular ideology or commercial interest.

THIS IS THE NO NEWS THAT IS BEING DISPENSED EVERY DAY.

It is not benign of the type your amusing parody presents. In the real world it is an emptiness with malicious intent.

Turn to Link or Al Jazeera or BBC; read McClatchy or Time; spent time at a blog where ideas are presented in context and with substance….and the contrast is striking.

I gave you nine stars because the truth that underlies your well done post is for me the deeper message of your narrative.

GreenChica
Member
GreenChica

😆 Thanks. I needed a dose of Adlibian humor this afternoon!

kevinbr38
Member
kevinbr38

I have heard that in place of Christiane Amanpour’s show tonight, CNN’s Dana Bash and John King are going to kiss and make-up on air.

sillylittleme
Member

Thanks for the belly laughs. It isn’t as if any of them report news, so of course 52% wouldn’t know the difference. Great satiric piece!!