TABLE OF CONTENTS
Welcome from the Speaker
Lodging and Meals
Welcome from the Speaker
As Speaker of the 2018 House and Grill, I would like to extend a warm welcome to our new members. We look forward to meeting with you and your sponsors over the coming weeks. In the meantime, please read this Handbook. It contains helpful advice for House freshmen who wish to speed the transition from non-stop partisan politics on the campaign trail, to the very different world of non-stop partisan politics in Washington DC. Enjoy your time in Washington! Yours truly, Louis Buller Gohmert, Jr.
They say that “clothes make the man”, and this is certainly true, whether briskly striding to your office as if you have work to do, pontificating in front of the cameras on the “ponts-o’-the-day”, or meeting with your corporate sponsors to line up some funding for the following week. We recommend a blue suit, white shirt, a striped tie in patriotic colors, and a small but impactful set of lapel pins. The Congressional Gift Shop and Cigar Bar has an excellent selection of pins; just look for the big red GOP banner next to the beer cooler.
As for the ladies of the GOP, we appreciate the support you have shown for your man. A frilly dress, a winsome smile, and unfailing loyalty are all that are needed for you to adorn the arm of your husband, Mr. Congressman!
Lodging and Meals
Several weeks before your scheduled arrival, you should have received an informative brochure and application form for housing and meal plans. The House GOP has converted entirely to communal living, based on Biblical principles and the time-tested methods of brainwashing. You have a broad selection of denominations to choose from. Whether you are a southern Bible thumper, a dominionist, or snake healer, there will be a house for you. And for our non-Christian brethren, the GOP has made special arrangements with the DC municipal government for lodging and meals at one of their newly remodeled residential facilities. Visit DC Department of Corrections for more information.
An important responsibility for any Congressman is assignment to one or more Committees or Sub-Committees and achieving seniority by having your name listed as a member. In line with GOP policy adopted in 2015, following our domination of House races in 2014, freshmen are advised to avoid seeking committee assignments that would suggest knowledge, experience or qualification in the subjects of the committee. Such an approach will only yield scorn and derision from your more experienced partners, and will open you to suspicion of having a legislative agenda (see Legislation below).
Since the defunding of the Post Office and the privatization of postal service, we are sorry, the US Congress can no longer offer you franking privileges. However, the GOP Office of Technology and Other Stuff would be happy to install, configure and maintain your state-of-the-art automated email system, which is based on the latest advances in artificial intelligence. This hands-off system schedules, sends, receives, and responds with every known email address in your District, and with content fully approved by the RNC.
While on fact-finding missions, members are advised that actual finding of facts may entail adverse risks. Any data collection, analyses, or findings as a result of your mission should be carefully monitored and adjusted to fit your preconceived notions, as expressed during your heartfelt departure press briefing. As a reminder of our national policy, you will find a refrigerator magnet in your information packet – “Fact Free and Loving It!”
Your constituency wants to see you in action, hearing you say the words they heard at their local Sunday morning prayer circles. To maximize your visibility, please make use of our personalized concierge service, located on the basement level of the Rotunda in the Roger Ailes room.
We encourage members to express their 2nd Amendment rights, as the Founders would have, through open carry or concealed carry at any time and any place. We apologize for construction activity in the House chambers this spring. Workers will be replacing plaster and woodwork damaged in last year’s dust-up over Obamacare.
Finally, no orientation could possibly be complete without clear guidance on the legislative direction of the GOP this term. Our party platform makes clear that absolutely no legislation with any chance of passage should be introduced, debated, or called for a vote. The Speaker, assisted by Sergeant at Arms, the honorable Joe Arpaio, will be vigilant for any infraction. As a freshman, should you find yourself in a conversation with the opposition, and the focus turns to legislation, we encourage you to immediately press the red button on your House tracking bracelet, and help will be dispatched immediately. Do not be one of those unlucky few wearing a pink jumpsuit this session!
Copyright (c) 2018, the House Republican Orientation and Rib Cookout