There’s an old saying in Hollywood, “There’s no such thing as bad publicity”. The National Security Administration (NSA) has been getting far more publicity than they ever could have imagined in their redacted dreams and now they are capitalizing on it.

In this era of sequestration and no-tax pledges, they’ve realized that they may be limiting their growth by solely depending on government funding so they’ve decided to use the benefit of all the publicity they’re getting and all the surveillance they’ve been conducting to launch a new reality cable channel.

NSA Director, General Keith B. Alexander, delightedly announced this development to the press…by hacking into all of their cell phones and sending it as a text message, “We see it all, teens sexting each other, parents getting high, grandparents badmouthing their kids. We thought to ourselves, ‘If we find this entertaining, why wouldn’t the public?’ So, we’ve decided to launch our own 24-7 reality cable channel, ICU TV, where America can enjoy spying on itself!”

Alexander provided a declassified show schedule for the new cable channel, which promises to offer the best in hidden camera reality programming:



5:00 am – 8:00 am: AMERICA SHOWERS – Live video of Americans across the country taking morning showers.

SYNOPSIS: Set your temperature to anything but luke warm as Americans of all shapes and sizes take it all off and lather up as they get ready for another day at work!

8:00 am – 5:00 pm: WORKFORCE! – Live Video of Americans at their workplaces.

SYNOPSIS: Working hard or hardly working, Americans are on the job! Whether on the phone or doing manual labor, Americans across the country are under the magnifying glass! Who’s late and who’s taking a long lunch? Who’s calling their girlfriend or boyfriend on company time? Who’s found a way to secretly watch porn at the office? When it comes to entertaining, this show is guaranteed to give you a raise!

5:00 pm – 7:00 pm: RUSH HOUR – Live Video of Americans driving in rush hour traffic.

SYNOPSIS: Americans say and do the darnedest things in their cars when they’re stuck in traffic. From eating a full dinner to getting a little post-Afternoon Delight, the excitement never slows down  so strap your seat belt on, it’s going to be a funny ride!

7:00 pm – 10:00 pm: HOME LAND – Live Video of Americans in their homes

SYNOPSIS: When they walk through the front door, the day is far from over. Watch yourself and your fellow Americans deal with their spouses and children when they get home. The drama is non-stop and the arguments fly, whether it’s frustration with work, sex or misbehaving kids or getting caught in lies on money or affairs, there’s no end to the real life conflict that’s too entertaining to be kept just in the family!

10:00 pm – 2:00 am: NIGHT WATCH! – Live Video of Americans in their beds

SYNOPSIS: Can you predict which marriage is sexless and which one is kinky as a couple undresses for bed? Who’s going right to sleep and who’s “staying up”? Who will hog the pillows and blankets and who will snore like a walrus? Get into bed with your fellow Americans and see everything they do on top of and under the sheets! Violating personal privacy was never so comfortable!

2:00 am – 5:00 am: WORLD  VIEW – Live Video of citizens and politicians from around the world.

SYNOPSIS: Ever wonder if German Chancellor Angela Merkel prefers American hot dogs to Russian kolbasa? Does UK Prime Minister David Cameron prefer boxers or Rupert Murdoch’s briefs? All the world’s a stage and their people and politicians are merely players in this addictive show!

ICU TV coming soon…as far as you know…but it has been going on for many years. Call your cable or satellite provider to carry ICU TV and your call will be intercepted by the NSA so they’ll know if you’re helping them…or if you’re not.

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6 years ago

Another home run, AdLib! I agree. So many people in their teens and twenties have grown up without ever having known what privacy is, they don’t even feel its loss as a — well, as a loss.

When I saw a documentary about the high level of surveillance of citizens in North Korea (and even the presence of radio broadcasting speakers — which couldn’t be turned off — in peoples’ homes), I wondered how this could ever be conceived of as “normal.”

Now I’m starting to get it!

6 years ago

Ad, “ICU” have a sense of humor that is warped like mine.

6 years ago

Well, AdLib if this is not another reason to ditch cable and go back to rabbit ears, I don’t know what is.

Too funny! The very notion anybody would care – other than Tweens who think every movement is worth note – is hilarious! But this is what the GGs and Snowdens of the world think IS going on. It’s not, but this new cable venture would confirm their worst fears. Though the thought of watching some of THEM shower or go beddy bye is pretty appalling.

Does NSA actually care about our recipe exchanges, our whining about our in laws, even our thoughts about healthcare.gov? I seriously doubt it, and if this doesn’t drive out notions of how interesting our neighbors are, nothing much will. It sure makes me clear that my life as a spy is NOT ON. How much boring would I do for pay that I cannot bring myself to do for free? None.

I guess this would appeal to those who avidly watch “reality” TV – people on deserted island, people vying to see what disgusting bugs they will eat, people who will sell out to a stranger by marrying for pay. All of that escapes my interest, so here is a suggestion – anyone who sits down to watch that stuff is PRIME fodder for becoming an NSA spy. If you can watch a bunch of losers do icky things to one another for money, you obviously will do ANYTHING for money yourself.

This may be a way to end the unemployment problem. Hire couch potatoes without jobs who are devoted to reality TV to watch I C U 24/7. The rest of us then can get on with our lives – and with duct tape over the cameras in our bathrooms.

6 years ago
Reply to  AdLib

Privacy is now seen as secrecy. How idiotic. I can’t determine when that all happened, and it is always about YOU not about ME – until the exhibitionism kicks in.

I REALLY don’t understand how having my phone number strung in a pile of a kajillion others is worse where no one, maybe not even me, can FIND mine in specific than the fact that if I check out sheets and towels on a web site, I get that retail vendor popping up everywhere. I don’t even have to BUY something – they track me down just for looking!!! Bring back downtown stores where I can window shop without consequence!

I don’t know how to convey to kids that what they post – getting drunk, sexting, bullying – stays as part of their record forever. Keeping things to yourself about yourself is not paranoid, just adult. I seriously do not get it.

It all went to hell with ‘let it all hang out’ I think. Can we ever stuff the genie back into the bottle?

6 years ago
Reply to  choicelady

Privacy was lost with the invention of the party line! No one gave up their phones then and they won’t now.

6 years ago
Reply to  SallyT

Oh wow – yes, we had a party line when I was little. Then we got a private line and thought we were in hog heaven.

That was the McCarthy era, too and although my folks were not “commies” by any stretch of the imagination, my mother did worry about eavesdropping. Unlike rural phones, we did not even know who the other parties were.

I’d entirely forgotten that – but yup. That surely was trading privacy for convenience. And so it goes…

6 years ago
Reply to  SallyT

Sally, when I first started with the New England Telephone company as a lineman I placed iron wire on insulators on ten pin cross arms. We had 8 party lines, 4 party, and two party as well as private lines. It took a a year before we got rid of the 8 party lines.

Can you believe that 8 different neighbors could listen to your call?

6 years ago
Reply to  Nirek

Nirek, 8 on a line, WOW! I think my Grandmother had 4 on her line. There was a different ring for each one. Like one long ring or 3 short and so on. Coming up with eight different rings would be hard to imagine and hard to remember which was yours in that mess of rings!
We had a private line in town but we also had a farm that we went to on weekends and that had a party line with 2 other parties. I always forgot and picked up when I shouldn’t and got yelled at for staying on too long!

6 years ago
Reply to  Nirek

Nirek – back in the 60s and 70s I lived in TN where small towns nearby had the Ben Lomand Rural Telephone Cooperative. As late as 1975 parts of CA up the coast from Santa Barbara still had the Gaviota telephone coop. No dials. Operator assist only, and yes party lines. Never knew there could be EIGHT on a line though. That would make you be efficient in your conversations!