There’s an old saying in Hollywood, “There’s no such thing as bad publicity”. The National Security Administration (NSA) has been getting far more publicity than they ever could have imagined in their redacted dreams and now they are capitalizing on it.
In this era of sequestration and no-tax pledges, they’ve realized that they may be limiting their growth by solely depending on government funding so they’ve decided to use the benefit of all the publicity they’re getting and all the surveillance they’ve been conducting to launch a new reality cable channel.
NSA Director, General Keith B. Alexander, delightedly announced this development to the press…by hacking into all of their cell phones and sending it as a text message, “We see it all, teens sexting each other, parents getting high, grandparents badmouthing their kids. We thought to ourselves, ‘If we find this entertaining, why wouldn’t the public?’ So, we’ve decided to launch our own 24-7 reality cable channel, ICU TV, where America can enjoy spying on itself!”
Alexander provided a declassified show schedule for the new cable channel, which promises to offer the best in hidden camera reality programming:
NSA’S ICU TV PROGRAMMING SCHEDULE
5:00 am – 8:00 am: AMERICA SHOWERS – Live video of Americans across the country taking morning showers.
SYNOPSIS: Set your temperature to anything but luke warm as Americans of all shapes and sizes take it all off and lather up as they get ready for another day at work!
8:00 am – 5:00 pm: WORKFORCE! – Live Video of Americans at their workplaces.
SYNOPSIS: Working hard or hardly working, Americans are on the job! Whether on the phone or doing manual labor, Americans across the country are under the magnifying glass! Who’s late and who’s taking a long lunch? Who’s calling their girlfriend or boyfriend on company time? Who’s found a way to secretly watch porn at the office? When it comes to entertaining, this show is guaranteed to give you a raise!
5:00 pm – 7:00 pm: RUSH HOUR – Live Video of Americans driving in rush hour traffic.
SYNOPSIS: Americans say and do the darnedest things in their cars when they’re stuck in traffic. From eating a full dinner to getting a little post-Afternoon Delight, the excitement never slows down so strap your seat belt on, it’s going to be a funny ride!
7:00 pm – 10:00 pm: HOME LAND – Live Video of Americans in their homes
SYNOPSIS: When they walk through the front door, the day is far from over. Watch yourself and your fellow Americans deal with their spouses and children when they get home. The drama is non-stop and the arguments fly, whether it’s frustration with work, sex or misbehaving kids or getting caught in lies on money or affairs, there’s no end to the real life conflict that’s too entertaining to be kept just in the family!
10:00 pm – 2:00 am: NIGHT WATCH! – Live Video of Americans in their beds
SYNOPSIS: Can you predict which marriage is sexless and which one is kinky as a couple undresses for bed? Who’s going right to sleep and who’s “staying up”? Who will hog the pillows and blankets and who will snore like a walrus? Get into bed with your fellow Americans and see everything they do on top of and under the sheets! Violating personal privacy was never so comfortable!
2:00 am – 5:00 am: WORLD VIEW – Live Video of citizens and politicians from around the world.
SYNOPSIS: Ever wonder if German Chancellor Angela Merkel prefers American hot dogs to Russian kolbasa? Does UK Prime Minister David Cameron prefer boxers or Rupert Murdoch’s briefs? All the world’s a stage and their people and politicians are merely players in this addictive show!
ICU TV coming soon…as far as you know…but it has been going on for many years. Call your cable or satellite provider to carry ICU TV and your call will be intercepted by the NSA so they’ll know if you’re helping them…or if you’re not.