Like the swallows return to Capistrano and Mitt Romney returns to obliviously insulting entire nations, crackpot extremists returned to blaming God for a horrible tragedy. Now God has broad shoulders (He can’t just buy suits off the rack) and He can take the heat from those who will end up in a far more heated place for accusing Him of being a co-conspirator in a terrible crime but that doesn’t mean He has to take it lying down (and when God lies around the universe, he lies around the universe).

So, God has written the following blog post to answer those extremists on the Right who have once again confused him with a Bond villain:

You know me, I love all my children but some of them need a few more time outs than others. Not being corporeal, I don’t believe in corporal punishment towards them but there are times when they really try one’s eternal patience.

Let’s begin with the reasons they’ve given for why I’ve supposedly allowed terrible things to happen. One claim is that I’m angry because I’ve been kept out of school. First of all, you can imagine how by being omniscient, I’d be seen as being a know-it-all by my teachers and classmates so that wouldn’t be much fun for me anyway. Second of all, how can these people believe in me as an all powerful deity yet also believe that I’m governed by the PTA? According to them, I can be everywhere at all times (which is a real hassle to schedule in Outlook) but I need a hall pass to be on school property.

The other wacky part of this is that they describe me like I’m Beetlejuice and I need to have my name repeated three times to appear somewhere. Trust me, I’m not a genie whose lamp needs to be rubbed in order for me to be there nor am I a Kardashian, I am not so insecure that I throw tantrums when I don’t hear my name enough. In fact, as these people have proven, the more some mention my name, the less familiar with me they actually seem to be.

Belief is an internal thing. Saying my name out loud, though it comes in handy in both painful and pleasurable moments, doesn’t increase or decrease one’s belief. Instead, these misguided people seem to think I’m Shazam so my name has to be called out at any and every time to activate my power.

School is for educating children so they understand math, English, science and the dangers of Meatloaf Surprise. Educating children about faith is what churches and parents are for. They’re both important but injecting one into the other, like filling pizza crusts with cheese, can be a bit much. If this goes in one direction, it should go in the other but I don’t think people going to church would appreciate having to do book reports on Ponce de Leon or have sermons about using fractions (we could work it in though, say, “Be fruitful and multiply by .10 to get 10% of an amount”).

Not everything we love should be combined…even though some at County Fairs would have you believe otherwise (Fried Bacon-Wrapped Candy Bars?). It’s okay to have a hardware store sell hammers and a supermarket sell food, it’s not necessary that both sell food that can also be used as hammers (see: day old french bread).

With that understood, please also be assured that I never allow bad things to happen because I’m not hearing my name enough. The whole Old Testament thing about me being angry and vengeful, they just happened to get me on a bad era (I got up on the wrong side of existence which can really put you in a bit of a mood). In general though, the portrayal of me as a loving god is more on the money. You know the saying, “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, then it’s yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be,”?  That applies to everything…except helium balloons.

So, I let humanity go, to find itself and hopefully find me. The choices that are made on Earth by those who are thoughtful, those who are mentally ill, those who are empathetic and those who are mercenary…all the choices that people make in their lives are what cause the events that follow. The misguided people who try to turn every terrible or unfortunate event into my commercial for their agenda are like snake oil salesmen…just with less integrity. Good things happen often too and though I’d love to take credit only for those things (I leave that to Republican Governors), I’m not responsible for those things either.

When you see how most human beings respond in the aftermath of tragedies…the generosity, the compassion and the coming together, perhaps in that and only that, you may see a glimpse of me.

Though I did enjoy George Burns’ portrayal of me…but he did look a bit old for the role, if you ask me.

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jjgravitasKillgoreTroutSueInCaMurphTheSurf3KQµårk 死神 Recent comment authors
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One, two, three four,
We don’t need your Holy War!



I am glad you translated your talk with god and just think you never asked us for a dime to help you with your book, selling your survival equipment or to pay for the little poor children(Of course if you did 80% of the money would go to admin/salaries) all over the world.

God is really a good egg and I cannot imagine him meting out punishment to say Kansas for the goings on in California or vice versa. Nor does he cause earthquakes or tsumamis, fires or tornados. I did, however, discover he caused the ice melt on Greenland because Santorum told me so.



If “God” is in charge, then something is very wrong

. As Woody Allen noted: If there is a god, there is little doubt that he is an underachiever.

At the root of course is the key question: Is God the author of the earthquake? of the tsunami?

If it is God who “cures” the cancer, then is it God who “sends” it? If so, why? Does God test us, or punish us with disaster/crisis (and if so how does one explain the innocent who suffer)?

Or is the cancer/the storm/the earthquake a curse from some evil entity? If so, does this entity have as much power as God or is the entity allowed to act so that God’s power can be demonstrated?

It goes on and on.

Or is the “disaster” just part of the natural order- an event taking place within the context of natural law over which “god” does not exercise direct control?

Here’s how I make sense of this. If one believes in a Deity (by whatever name) and if one understands that Deity to be inherently good then that Deity is, in some manner, removed from events like those described here. As such “god” is inherently living apart from the rest of creation (either by choice or by its nature) interacting with humanity and the world in which humans live on the spiritual/intellectual/philosophical plan.

The essential problem: If God is the author of the blessings, then God would appear to have authority over the curse OR is God incapable of stopping those curses from being laid upon humanity and can only intervene a limited number of times.

The God who is not consistent comes across as incompetent, uncaring, malevolent, evil, capricious, or some combination of these.

So, here is where I, as a Christian Humanist land, if God, however one understands this, is good and is at work in suffering it is in the compassion, mercy, love, care, forbearance, strength of heart and charity of those who respond to the crisis or have been caught up in it.

As one poster wrote after the Japanese Earthquake and Tsunmi: “My prayer is that God may wash the survivors in his mercy and grace replacing the waters of destruction with those of peace experienced in the kindness and outreach of those untouched by the disaster but still affected by it.”

Ok, that is a sentiment that seems to fit in with the way the world is ordered. And it seems to call upon us to be channels of that mercy, grace and peace.



Thank you for this. It means more than you know. I’m glad I came here to read this. I’m not sure I’ll be at VP this evening.



Murph, the questions you pose in your comment are some of the reasons I decided to become a Taoist. In Taoism there are no supreme beings to ascribe human traits to. It is said that god created man in his own image, but I really believe the reverse to be true.
Earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes and other natural disasters are just that. Natural. There are clear physical explanations for these events. The same with disease. What’s involved is chemistry, physics, and the other sciences. I don’t know why we humans must ascribe human motivations to such natural events. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

Spirituality though, is a different thing altogether, in my mind. I find it somewhat fascinating that much of religion is so made up of rules, commandments, superstitions, admonitions, threats, judgments…..etc. All are qualities that are intrinsic to the human animal. None of which are attributable to the natural world, unless we consider human nature to be a part of the natural world. When I think of the natural world, I see it as science does, empirically, substantially and explained by what we as humans have come to know through science.

I see religion as mythology, or at least a metaphor for mythology. This doesn’t make it a bad thing. I think human beings need mythology, for certain mores, traditions, rites and traditions. We need something to help us live peacefully and productively with each other. Unfortunately, these mythologies also keep us at each other’s throats when taken to extremes, when reduced to fundamentals.

I prefer the belief in psychology to explain human behavior, physics to explain the natural world and all that this encompasses. I basically, and personally don’t need to troubled by questions of why, and how did all this come into existence. That is a part of science that I, at best, can even begin to understand. I’m not sure I would know what to do with such information even if I did understand it. I do firmly believe in spirituality, not as some cosmic question, but the simple qualities of compassion, love, generosity, magnaminity, a certain level of humility and a sense of community on a global scale.

If someone where to ask me what the secret to life is, I would have to answer: There isn’t one.


Adlib , thanks for the laughs. My God enjoys humor. Also the responses you got were great! Our friends here are clever.



and lo I came unto this place, having been summoned by mysterious angels who sent the summons “God’s Blog” unto my inbox, and thence, trance-like, I clicked upon the glowing blue message and was suddenly transported by forces beyond my meager understanding to a place whereupon Your holy image was set before me. I clicked, such as one would caress, upon it. Whereupon a much larger image of your radiance suddenly appeared unto me – accompanied, verily, by a joyous but unseen chorus of angels who, with their sweet song swelling with gentle urgency, instructed me to right click and save Your likeness – the ultimate supreme powerful and protecting talisman of goodness – as a screensaver.


Dear God,

What a relief! After hearing so many people claiming that we Mormons know less about you than Boris knows about the Olympics, I was beginning to think there was no possible way to spin this religion thing in my favor this election year.

But now I have actual proof, in an honest-to-You document, that you and I are really BFFs. We have something huge in common and it was mentioned right there in the intro to your epistle!

We both lie around the universe!

Who knew…?


Mitt Romney


Oh God, *sigh* our car just died.


Did it really, Kalima? Sigh… You really didn’t need that!

Maybe an exorcist to cast out those evil car spirits?


Hi kes, yes, I’m afraid so. Loved that little car. 🙁


Dear God,

Mother Nature here. You and I have had this round before but here we go again. You didn’t create anything by yourself! You had help. Just like President Obama told the people here, you don’t do it alone. You may have put these human here (however, I feel I helped in their development from creatures of the sea to the legged beast they are today). Keeping my beautiful planet able to support all the life that lives is the challenge that you are away on vacation again! Where’s the damn rain? And, knock off the heat! You helping out Hell or something? Am I going to have to take this into my own hands again? Do I have to shake it up here? Rattle those damn faults? Blow my volcano top? Tunnel my wind?
You have left me with these humans that don’t appreciate or respect all my beauty. I have to feed, clothe, and shelter them. All they do is pollute the air, contaminate my rivers, kill creature of beauty and grace just for sport even to distinction, let alone the killing they do of their own species. I am doing my best to save my planet from their selfishness. They are taking my minerals and using them to harm my atmospheric! They don’t think! They have brains, right?
Oh, yes, they call your name and pray to you but expect me to lay here and let them have their way. I have just about had it with them. They look to you to solve their problems because you are GOD! They think you have favorites and know who is right and will destroy those that are wrong. Don’t they know that I have power that is equal to yours? That I can change everything here now to something else? I have done it before. Sure, they think you did that during one of your temper tantrums. Yeah, right. Did you have a problem with the dinosaurs? No, because you didn’t have to clean up after them. I had too and that was a lot of dung, let me tell you! Little did I know that these humans would take their decayed remains and make something out of it that kills and destroys. This climate change that is occurring now isn’t me. It is their own stupidity. Of course, I will get the blame for the icecaps melting, you know, something I do every century or so. Not this time! And, those that pray the loudest to you are the worst offenders! Have you looked lately? Have you seen the hypocrisy? Hello!
Okay, enough. It boils down to this, you didn’t do it alone, big guy! And, lately you aren’t much help! So, either get your creatures under control and shape them up or I am going to have to take matters into my own hands. I don’t want to sweep the place clean. Maybe you are having fun with these kids playing games among themselves but I am getting tired of it. You need me more than I need you. They need you more than I need them. You didn’t do it alone, you can’t maintain it alone, and it won’t survive alone. We all need help.
If you play another joke on me, like that Bush, with this Romney, I will pull my hair out, along with the trees, the mountains, the rivers, oh, you know what I can do. Now this Obama is something I can live with. He appears to be getting better with age. And, he is the smart one that knows you can’t do it alone and we need to make it better for all, not just those that claim you have answered their prayers. He knows everything isn’t always fair and they need to help those sick, homeless, and hungry with a hand up. When humans can have enough to live, they make all around them peaceful. And, some even richer by giving up just a small amount to those with less. You know, big guy, I have a lot of these creatures of yours that pray to me. I’ll help mine, you help yours, and together can we get this place under control? Lets work together.

Your friend,
Mother Nature


Great one, Sally!


Mother Nature is always a fan of an Alpha Bitch! Hear us roar! And, watch out for our bite.


Dear God

I didn’t find a Letters to the Editor section so I suppose it’s okay to address you directly, thogh I admit it does make me a bit nervous. However, You seem like a friendly sort and I really have always liked You.

I understand what You’re saying about some of the disappointments, but You do have to take a little responsibiity for that, don’t You think? Your prototype human had some flaws. For example, God, when I read how you started all of this amazing universe and built in fabulous mysteries for us to unravel, which You knew will take eons but should keep us busy, it must disappoint You that so many people will not accept that it took several billion years and it’s still not finished. I guess those poor souls will always believe it took only 7 days and 7 nights. I personally thank you for the genius of design in the mountains, magnificent water falls. incredible colors in all the flora, and the amazing fauna that you gave us to enjoy. And how long did it take you to make trillions of stars? That is a sure A in my grade book.

So, God, I know sometimes we annoy You and forget to say thanks, but we are only human and You, Sir, can be stunningly initimidating at times. You must have scared the stuffing our of Michelangelo if his portrait of you in the Sistine Chapel is right. I know You didn’t plan for things to turn out the way they are now. But I do have to ask this. You created the earth then decided to create man to enjoy it. So you gave life to Adam, gave him the finest real estate in the universet, built Eden for him to live in, lush, beautiful, perfect garden with pool but, for whatever reason, You then decided he needed company. And what did You do? You gave him Eve. You actually took one of his ribs to do this. Then, once again, you go off plan, create an apple tree and tell them not to eat the fruit. Really God? Did You really think a woman was going to listen to You? Eve then picks an apple, hands it to Adam, says, “Would a like a bite?” Of course, being well-mannered, he said yes. Then there were four. And it came to pass, God, You created the first dysfunctional family.

So be patient sir. We are still a work in progress and most of us love You. I do have one special thank you. I thank you for Mitt Romney’s runaway mouth. He’s not going to let us down and our President will be around another 4 years.

Have a nice day, God.

KQµårk 死神

Brilliant retort to the almighty. I echo allot of your inquisitions.


Thank you KQuark,

It would have been so much easier for God to have designed everything in black and whilte. I wonder if He added to “Let there be color” and the authors of the Old Testament forgot to add that.

I would like to know you better. I like the way you think.

My name is Pat.


A serious reflection-

In the image of God—- that sticks with me.

Is our searching, uncertainty, incompleteness, failing an expression of our having fallen as a race, per Eden, or are these expressions of the nature of God?

We have a need for a God absolutes…I wonder.


Thank you Murph. I often use satire to address serious subjects. God is most certainly a serious but also very personal to each of us. I try to see in the words of others something that touches my own life. I know how deeply and truly you believe because we have discussed it and I see it in your wprds above. I think it’s wonderful to express our own view of God, because in our words we offer a view of our own life experiences. I’ve been angry woth God many times in the same way I was angry with my parents when I thought they were unfair. God is not always fair, particularly to the people I’ve lived with in the Middle East, Africa and Asia. And in my own city when I taught school in one of the two most dangerous and poorest areas, I learned Hunger has no language.

What I’ve read today in yours and all the other comments leads me to a better understanding that maybe the message God is sending us is that he created this magnificent, mysterious universe but we are its caretakers. Could it be that simple?

You always bring reason into every conversation and you do it with respect, grace.and friendship.


My Dearest God:

George Clooney is a more accurate likeness, isn’t he? I knew it! It’s why when I lay me down to sleep, and close my eyes, that his face appears to me. I know that I am thinking about you, dear God, and even Lucifer surely doesn’t have enough tricks up his robe to fake a face like that!

Thanks, God.

Your humble servant, Alpha Bitch

PS Does George also appear to the Blov when he closes his eyes and cries “Oh, God!”