Congresswoman Bachmann: Well, it is just great to see our leadership here today. We’ve really got some interesting and luminating topics to discuss.
Sarah Palin: Uh, Michelle, if I could just stop you there. I think you mean illuminating topics.
Congresswoman Bachmann: Hmm, I don’t know. Are you sure that’s a word? You know what, never mind. Let’s just get roll call out of the way and move on to the day’s business. O.K., Sarah you’re obviously here so I’ll check you off. O.K., Joe Miller.
Joe Miller: I don’t recommend addressing me directly. I will have you detained.
Congresswoman Bachmann: O.K., I’ll take that as a “here”. But you have to understand that communication is the lock here.
Sarah Palin: Michelle? Gosh, I just hate to keep pointing this out but you used the wrong word again. I think you meant that communication is the key here. Not, uh, not the lock.
Congresswoman Bachmann: Is that what that means?! Hmph. Anyways, who’s next? Rand Paul.
Congressman Paul: You mean Rand Paul! I’m not my father! ……Wait. You said Rand didn’t you?…… here.
Congresswoman Bachmann: Thank you Mr. Paul. Let’s see, who’s next? Sharron Angle?
Sharron Angle: i really don’t wanna answer any questions. I’m totally not a Scientologist.
Michelle Bachmann: And no one is saying you are Sharron. We respect all religious dominoes here. Except Islam of course.(everyone voices their agreement on this point)
Sarah Palin: Denominations. Not dominoes. Are you doing this on purpose?
Congresswoman Bachmann: Well, we come from different areas of the country. We probably just say it differently.
Sarah Palin: No. No one says religious dominoes.
Congresswoman Bachmann: Well, you should stop by Minnesota. You’ll see. Now, back to the roll. General Zod?
General Zod: Kneel before Zod!
Congresswoman Bachmann: Yes, yes. I promise you will have the son of Jor-El, but we must wait fo rthe right time to strike. O.K., and finally, Charlie Sheen?
Charlie Sheen: You want Sheen but you can’t have him. You can’t comprehend Sheen. He eludes you.
Congresswoman Bachmann: Then aren’t we incredibly lucky to have you here today Mr. Sheen. So glad all of you could make it. I know you’re all incredibly busy.
All members at once: Not really.
Congresswoman Bachmann: Fantastic. Let’s begin the meeting. Do we have any new business?
General Zod: My armies will crush this planet beneath their heels! In the end you will beg for me to kill you!
Sarah Palin: You know, I really gotta question the wisdom of having him on the team. I wanna rule Washington. Not it’s smoldering crater.
Congresswoman Bachmann: It’s o.k. Sarah. I have him under control. I have something he wants. I guess you could say I made him a n offer he couldn’t refute. Ha!
Sarah Palin: jesus christ…. Really? I’m starting to have serious misgivings about this whole operation. I’m a best selling author and highly visible on Twitter. I don’t need this shit!
Charlie Sheen: You don’t sound connected, you sound infected baby. You think that world is yours? You’re dancing on the edge of a razor, my friend. Don’t let them in your circle, man. In the circle, in the head. You can’t shut that off sister. You cannot shut that off!
Sarah Plain: What? No, fuck it. I’m leaving. Good lord Michelle, is this what you were picturing?
Congressman Paul: Well, I think Charlie is right. If I could, I’d recommend the teachings of the Aqua Buddha to him. I know that when I–…..
Sarah Palin: Oh shut up Rand! It’s a goddamn contest between you and your father to say the craziest thing you can.
Congressman Paul: I AM NOT MY FATHER!! *puts his fingers in his ears* NYAH NYAH NYAH!!! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!!
Sarah Palin: Really? Are you serious here? O.K., I’m ghost. Peace bitches.
Congresswoman Bachmann: Sarah, wait! Please! I’m sure if yo just wait and let me get things under control we can have a productive meeting. You just have to be patient while I soup some Eggos.
Sarah Plain: Holy shit. SOOTHE EGOS! YOU WANT TO SOOTHE SOME EGOS! ARE YOU STUPID! NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT! HOW ARE YOU IN OFFICE?! *storms out of room*
Congresswoman Bachmann: Well, that could have went better. Tell you what, let’s end for the day and come back in a week. Maybe cooler heads will have prevailed by then. I thank you each for coming.
Charlie Sheen: Anybody see which way Zod went? Dude is kinda my ride.
Congresswoman Bachmann: He went out the back door and just sorta flew away. A very strange man. So, Mr. Sheen, you doing anything later?
Charlie Sheen: Whoa. 2 things babe. Number one: I don’t do crazy chics. Number two: You can’t handle my greatness. I will decimate you…….. Do you have any cocaine?
Congresswoman Bachmann: NO!
Joe Miller: Uh, I do.
Charlie Sheen: Joe! My man! You. Me. Spearmint Rhino. Let’s go amigo!
Congresswoman Bachmann: *sigh* Meeting adjourned. Sharron, can I still get that ride home? Sharron? Hello? …… Motherfucker!