Secretary Clinton: Good afternoon Mr. Gaddafi. On behalf of the U.S. State Department, under the direction of the President, I’d like to discuss how we may bring about a peaceful solution to this current crisis.
Muammar Gadaffi: ………. Hello?
Secretary Clinton: Yes,Mr. Gaddafi. This is U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. I was hoping we could discuss your current….. situation.
Muammar Gadaffi: …….. I’ve already had a bath.
Secretary Clinton: No, Mr. Gadaffi, this is Hill-.. THIS IS HILLARY CLINTON. CAN. I. TALK. TO. YOU.
Muammar Gaddafi: ……. I have told all I know. I watched that movie 5 times and I still do not understand. Does she want to dance? Is she just angry that she cannot find the time to pleasure herself?
Secretary Clinton: No, no Mr. Gaddafi. I want to discuss the current unrest in your country.
Muammar Gaddafi: But you saw the movie, right? I went just last night with many of my fellow Libyans. They love me you know.
Secretary Clinton: No, Mr. Gaddafi, I did not see it. But it’s your people I am actually calling about?
Muammar Gaddafi: Would you like to buy some of my people? They are not cheap but, considering you have frozen a large chunk of my assets, I’m willing to make a deal.
Secretary Clinton: What?! No! Sir, I am asking you to stop killing your own people.
Muammar Gaddafi: I am not killing my own people! I am only killing the people who disagree with me.
Secretary Clinton: Sir, the American government is seriously considering sending in our military.
Muammar Gaddafi: No, no. That is not necessary. I need no help killing my own people.
Secretary Clinton: Sir…. You just said you were not killing your own people and now you say you are. What about the people who seriously question your ability to lead a Scout Troop much less a country?
Muammar Gaddafi: What is this movie, “The Fighter”? It makes no sense to me. Why does Batman not simply kill Marky Mark for defying his older brother’s will?
Secretary Clinton: O.K., sir. I will try one more time to get a serious answer form you. You are obviously engaged in brutal tactics to quell a rebellion in your country. Will you cease your campaign against your own people or will the President have to strongly consider stopping you?
Muammar Gaddafi: …………………………
Secretary Clinton: Mr. Gaddafi? Hello? Is anyone there.
Berzyl: Mrs. Clinton. This is Lord Gaddafi’s assistant Berzyl. I apologize but it is time for the master’s midday ramble. He enjoys strolling his grounds incoherently and shooting random people. I hope we can reschedule this talk for a later time.
Secretary Clinton: His what?! A midday….ramble? This is unacceptable. Either get him back on the phone or YOU ARE ALL SERIOUSLY FUC-… HELLO?!? ….. Mr. Berzyl? Are you there?….. GODDAMN THAT CRAZY SON OF A BITCH!
I hope you have enjoyed this edition of “Transcript Theater” and that you realize I view Muammar as a heartless monster and this is how I deal with that.