I was the world’s worse Boy Scout.  Hands down. No contest.  Was one for four years….I think…long time ago. Give me a break. I may have been the only Boy Scout in America to have not gotten a Tenderfoot merit badge. They gave you one of those for just showing up. I showed up for four years…..I think….and I never earned one. I showed up sober….I was 11 or 12…I think….it was all a blur. Sniffing Sterno addles the memory.

Went on an orienteering competition against other scouts from my area and I left my group to go swimming in the river while they sweated through the manzanita and deer ticks trying to win a new badge and a chance to dance at the nightly campfire. I think they even threw in a sash. Count me out….and they did. My troop leader had to form a orienteering party to track me down at the river. Hey how about a backstroke or sunstroke badge?

I had the plainest uniform in camp. Just like it came from the box when my parents got it hoping with eager anticipation that I would turn out to be John Glenn instead of Sean Penn. Hell at least Sean had a tobacco merit badge. I didn’t start smoking until I lost my virginity…..the longest 50 years of my life.

After bed check I would ALWAYS sneak out. Where? Nowhere. Just out….the snoring sucked in the cabins. The bed wetting was worse. Tip….always take the top bunk or get a raincoat. I would try to get some of my friends to go with me but they were afraid they were going to have their badges striped from them like Chuck Connors in “Branded”. The only thing they could strip from mine were the buttons….two of which were missing. I always wanted that sewing badge. Nothing says “let’s play doctor” to a Girl Scout than a badge with a needle and thread.

I did win the swimming competition at the camp and I was suppose to sing at the communal campfire that night but I was too busy trying to orient myself to the Girl Scout camp several miles away….or that was the legend. In reality it was two counties away but every Boy Scout compound has the Girl Scouts just over the ridge. I took the bait. Missed the campfire. They had to go looking for me again and this time the Troop leader took me home.

When I got out of his truck he said….”Wolf…when are you going to grow up?”

I said….”As soon as I find that Girl Scout camp….I hear they can make a man out of you.”

Should have learned how to read a compass….. ; )

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chasethis
Member
chasethis

Wolf! It’s way past my bedtime, but I cannot go without a shout out to you. So glad to see you posting here. Quick story about my always in trouble (in a good way) nephew. Once, when approaching a Girl Scout cookie table at the entrance of a grocery store, he asked if the Girl Scout cookies were made with fresh Girl Scouts. Sweet dreams.

PocketWatch
Member

Another bad Scout joke..

How to make a fire: Rub a Boy Scout up against a Girl Scout.

RF Dude
Member

Hi Wolf – I’m late to the party, as usual. Scouts was a very memorable time for me as well – I bow to your Tenderfootness, you are the first person I have met who spent more time as a pre-Tenderfoot than I did…

Beans in the fire is a great way to start off Lunch!

One Winter Saturday, a few of us went out for a 5-mile hike. Mind you, in Iowa finding a place to do a 5-mile hike that doesn’t involve cutting through at least 2 farm-yards is a real chore!

At mid-hike, we stopped for lunch and lit a small fire. It was cold, and besides you were allowed to cut down and burn REAL trees back then – none of this stove thing you gotta do now!

Bob, my good buddy, was rummaging through his clothes looking for his knife and found a live .22 cartridge in his jacket pocket. Guns ‘N Ammo are always interesting for kids that age, any age for that matter, and even tho’ we all were good shooters we all had to take a look. So Bob passed the cartridge around the circle so we could each verify that yep – it’s a live .22 shell – and eventually it got back to Bob.

As lunch went on, I got up to pour some water from a canteen into my cup. No drinking from the common canteen – that was something we might have done if girls were around just to gross them out, but amongs’t us guys, with no girls to try to impress with our manliness, we always used our own cups.

So I’m over next to a tree, bent over away from the fire with an open, full canteen of water when Tommy asks, ” Hey Bob – what did you do with that .22 shell?”

Bob casually says, ” Oh, I tossed it in the fire”.

Eyes wide open, 4 boys instantly teleported themselves behind the tree I was standing in front of.

Bent over.

Pouring water from a canteen.

With my butt pointed at the fire…

Before I could even think to set the canteen down, there was a loud POP and a cloud of sparks flew from the fire. I knew that I was dead – no pain, but you know how shock prevents the body from realizing it is in great pain and all that. First-Aid…

Then, I heard the whine of a ricochet from way down the hill and I knew that I had not become “No Entry RF Dude” – meaning that the doctors would have found an exit wound but not an entry wound – and that I would be able to walk home that day.

A story that I told my parents many, MANY years later 😉

Ahh, Wolf – you bring back such sweet memories! Thanks for your story!!!

2ndClassCitizenPundit
Member

I made it a bit farther in the Boy Scouts, but it was pretty dysfunctional. I got tired of the arrogance and intolerance pretty fast.

I have to admit that I tried. When I left, I was owed five or six merit badges that I had paid for.

jcinco
Member
jcinco

Wolfie! Good to see you my friend. Enjoyed your story. I did the brownies for three years and then feigned attendence and pocketed my dime dues for a few weeks before telling my mom I was done with it.

Smirnonn
Member
Smirnonn

Wolf, really funny post!! I did the cub scout thing and my mother was one of the “den mothers.” I hated it and quit pretty early on but my mom stuck with it and stayed on. In retrospect it must’ve been really embarrassing for her. Sorry, mom!!! 🙂

TheLateGrardini
Guest

If youda growed up with Tawd in Alaska heda showed you the tricks of the trade.

LisaDi9
Member
LisaDi9

BWWWWWAAAAAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

OR Wolf would of shown Twad how to keep some mystery alive….
good morning Lardini

TheLateGrardini
Guest

Good morning Lisa! Great to see you again…

LisaDi9
Member
LisaDi9

HI!!!!
{waving hands up in the air}

Questinia
Member

Cub scouts, Boy scouts, brownies, campfire girls. As if there weren’t enough rules one had to observe as a child. I did Brownies for a year then I was out. I remember selling little gifts door to door. I realized at that point I couldn’t bullshit too well. So, I guess it was worth something.

I would definitely have been the Girl Scout who’d get her hands caught in the cookie jar! Interesting thing to write about, Wolf. Obviously, it brings up memories for all of us.

ADONAI
Member

I was never in scouts because I thought it was totally lame,

But I dig those girl scout cookies. Love them Samoas.

🙂

teamplayer
Member
teamplayer

One thing I remember from girl scouts was making mock angel food cake in a coffee can over the campfire. It was pretty disgusting.
I was a girl scout for a long time.
My leader, Mrs. Krauszer, took us from Brownies all the way through high school. That’s right. I was a girl scout in high school.
Mrs. Krauszer’s daughter, a classmate of mine, passed away when we were juniors but she continued with our troop. We raised enough money to charter a greyhound bus and tour the US for a month after graduation.
We weren’t completely dorky. We painted a bikini on the greyhound logo and we didn’t look too terrible in our avocado-green uniforms and knee highs. We were from California, after all, and we sported dark tans and hair naturally bleached from the sun. We caused quite the stir when we pulled up to the Juliette Low (founder of the girl scouts) birthplace in Savannah. For some reason they didn’t take too kindly to our “California” ways and it was obvious they wanted us to leave. Well, they didn’t have to ask us twice.
That trip is something I will always remember.
Once our scouting days were FINALLY over, Mrs. Krauszer kept in touch with all of us. She gave us handmade gifts for weddings and baby showers. To this day, my daughter has a tiny dress Mrs. Krauszer smocked and hand-embroidered for her when she was a baby.
My scout leader was a remarkable woman.

escribacat
Member

Hi there termgirl/teamplayer, I spent some time in Savannah once and we toured her house. All I remember about her is that she had slaves. Ugh.

teamplayer
Member
teamplayer

Ugh is right. We couldn’t get out of that place fast enough.

AlphaBitch
Member
AlphaBitch

I got kicked out of campfire girls. Really. Debbie Hobbs’ mother was our leader. Debbie had the ability to crack me up big time.

Come the father-daughter dance, and our troop (which was Napolean Dynamite-ish in its total lack of skills) was to sing some stupid ass song about being “God’s Little Rainbow” or some other crap.

So Debbie and I had a giggle fest, and after disrupting the other girls, had to go sit down without providing one second of talent to the talent show. My daddy loved me anyways.

Not so much Mrs. Hobbs. The next day, she phoned my mom and suggested that perhaps the Brownies MIGHT be a better match for me.

True story. And thus I became a Brownie/Girl Scout. Also without talent or badges, but at least I had a troop.

escribacat
Member

Hooray, alphabitch. A woman after my own heart. I lasted I think two meetings in girl scouts. I guess I expected camp outs and stuff and all I got was making valentines for the old folks. I hadn’t become a progressive yet.

Orcas Island
Guest
Orcas Island

Hi Alphabitch and escribacat. I remember when escribacat was nice enough to explain to me what an escibacat was on HP one night. I hope you got to do some camping eventually. It is wonderful. Well, up to a certain age..although some of my aunts were sleeping on the ground in tents at a family reunion once. They were in their 70’s at the time.

AlphaBitch
Member
AlphaBitch

Hey Orcas! Used to live in Redmond. Went to Orcas several times. Traveled most of WA state. Sad to say, but I loved Zillah. Hey! I’m a south Texas kind of girl, and I loved the ranch hands and the cool restaurant that I have learned finally closed. The San Juans were incredible, and I would love to go boating through them some day.

cyrano1
Member
cyrano1

Love Zilla! I drive over there from the west side at least once a year just to get a taco at the taco factory and get a sagebrush fix. Originally a Nevadan.

Orcas Island
Guest
Orcas Island

I have a sister in Woodinville near Redmond. Know the area well and many of the little towns throughout the state.

Orcas Island
Guest
Orcas Island

Theo’s was there in June of 2010 as I recall.The Chateau ground are so nice. Have not been to any concerts there unfortunately but did tour the winery.

AlphaBitch
Member
AlphaBitch

Is Theno’s Dairy still there? With Vivian’s Pride ice cream? OMG, it was the BEST I ever had.

Used to be real involved at Chateau Ste. Michelle, helping with (of all things) a bluegrass festival. Loads of fun. Worked for the lawyer who helped start the winery. Too bad I only liked beer and hard liquor!

We lived on Union Hill Road, off the Redmond-Fall City road.

escribacat
Member

Hey Orcas, I’ve done lots of camping (though not in ages). I love it (well, not the mosquitoes). I never did go with the girl scouts. I quickly became convinced it was never going to happen.

AlphaBitch
Member
AlphaBitch

Hey Ecat! You know Alpha Pup, who is living with the Blov and me now, is one of TWO of the chirren from Afghanistan who actually went camping with me and the Blov! I still love camping, although at my age, it’s more car camping w/ all the conveniences of home.

AND I now love old folks, seeing as how I am creeping up on that time of life myself.

Let’s meet in Pagosa. I might come late April. I’ll send mail.

escribacat
Member

Hey AB, That’s actually a possibility. I need to go down to Durango anyway this spring. Let’s talk! So I tried to take my Uzbeki sis hiking in the mountains once but she refused to go. She said the mountains were full of bandits! Of course, when I took her to the Butterfly Pavilion, she was afraid of the butterflies too 🙁 Not an outdoorsy type.

AlphaBitch
Member
AlphaBitch

HA! I’ll tell you about the Pup’s experience and his “concern” about swimmiing with such scary looking fish as the huge channel catfish in the springs in W. Texas.

Let’s talk. I have work to do end of April in Santa Fe w/ the Folk Art Museum folks, and I want to see my Baby Girl at her college. But Pagosa……..aaahhhhhhhh……….

boomer1949
Member

Welcome to The Planet Wolf! So happy you’re test-driving.

escribacat
Member

Somewhere along the line, Wolf, you learned how to be a gentleman. It’s great to see you.

BassFace
Member
BassFace

Wolf!! When I was growing up, Scouts was like prep-school for Nixon’s “silent majority”… I doubt much has changed. Must be prep-school for Tea partiers nowadays.

One thing your piece reminds me of, is the stuff I used to do in band camp when I was in high-school. The better (read: more popular as well as talented) musicians would be first- or second-chair in their chosen instrument. I played trumpet in high-school, was lousy at it! Never made it beyond fourth-chair in my trumpet-section. While a completely different scenario from Boy Scouts, I do relate, & feel your pain… 😉

Never had the “lip” to be a good trumpeter… Glad I gave that up & took up the bass. Anyway, great write-up, bro!

Orcas Island
Guest
Orcas Island

I can relate to Band stories BassFace! I was in the illiterate percussion section.

BassFace
Member
BassFace

hey Orcas, but some of those dudes could dance!

True story (OT, but I think y’all enjoy this): halftime-show at a HS football game. My band marches into formation, gets ready to play “Smoke On The Water” (or whatever tune was popular at the time). I raise my trumpet from a “vertical” (rest?) position to the “ready” position as the drum-major raises his arms to cue the band to get ready… in doing so, I raise the horn up briskly to my mouth in preparation to start playing… and the fucking mouthpiece goes flying out behind me onto the field!! 😳

I “pretend” to play my horn throughout the rest of the show (maintaining marching in position as if nothing happened).. with NO mouthpiece! Eventually it was returned to me when the band sat back down in the bleachers.

LisaDi9
Member
LisaDi9

I did that
I had always the wrong timing
no worries
your a fantastic bass player…
when one window closes …three doors open

BassFace
Member
BassFace

Yep, Lisa! This is true…

Orcas Island
Guest
Orcas Island

Great story. I guess you could not break formation to retrieve it. Those cold football games and outdoor bleachers for Pep and Marching band were a bit much.

BassFace
Member
BassFace

“could not break formation”…

No way!! Right there in the middle of the field with hundreds watching. The dude next to me cracked up laughing! He almost lost his, also… 🙂

LisaDi9
Member
LisaDi9

once at band camp……..

BassFace
Member
BassFace

….the tuba-player got a wedgie. Amazing!!!

LisaDi9
Member
LisaDi9

no
camel toes….
{giggles}

Orcas Island
Guest
Orcas Island

I’m not sayin nuttin.

LisaDi9
Member
LisaDi9

you better not…..exploding cans of beans..ppftttttttt
NEXT!

Orcas Island
Guest
Orcas Island

Hah! Chuck Conners in “Branded”? I think I recall some of the lyrics – “What do you do when you’re branded…and you know your a man, you’re a man…”

Sounds like our troop deep in the Cascades of Washington state. Our scout master once lined up two or three of the hoodlums in our troop at the American Legion Hall where we met and stripped off their badges. I think he probably must have watched too many war movies.

On one trip we neatly stacked long dry pine needles around our campfire pit. They make nice comfy mattresses for your sleeping bags until they catch fire which only took about two minutes.

Those pine needles also make for a fine cigarette when you roll them up with brown bag paper.

Or, leaving a can of baked beans in the campfire, well it was better than a box of 12 gauge shotgun shells. First one to run is a chicken!

Those exploding bean cans left a nice pattern on my friends tent.

LisaDi9
Member
LisaDi9

I bet none of those STORIES ARE TRUE ORCAS….
OMG I’m having belly laughs

Orcas Island
Guest
Orcas Island

They are ALL true. Scouts honor!

LisaDi9
Member
LisaDi9

NOPE
I KNOW THE TRUTH WHEN I READ IT!

Orcas Island
Guest
Orcas Island

I could have had top honors if there would have been a badge for Masturbation.

LisaDi9
Member
LisaDi9

YOU AND EVERY BOY SCOUT THERE…that’s why they did not DISTRIBUTE ONE…duh
and that one I believe being the truth
the other’s…nahhhhh
never happened.

funksands
Member

Wolf, this brought back a lot of interesting memories.

I grew up next door to an Eagle Scout.

He was my friend all through grade school, but as we moved on to middle school and then high school our paths diverged.

He became an Eagle Scout, he grew into a tall, broad-shouldered, blond, steely-eyed, church-goin’ type who was equally popular with the ladies as he was with the community leaders of our small town.

I was tall.

My one saving grace is that the further he followed that path, the more suspicious of him my parents became, until I was no longer allowed to hang out with him.

LOL they sure were cool. Thanks for the great story.

celere
Guest
celere

I like your parents, funksands. 😉