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PatsyT On December - 28 - 2010

It was to be a typical trip to the airport and an average flight.

Oh Boy, I had no idea what was in store for me.

I got the car parked, had bags in tow and started the walk to the terminal when I noticed more then a few cars parked in the drop off area.

“Hmmm, strange,” I thought, “they are going to get a big fat ticket.” Where are those security guys on wheels that bark at the cars that dare to slow down?

Walking toward the security area I knew it was time to brace myself for that inevitable line of passengers being herded along to their meeting with the fun folks of the TSA.  

As I was thinking about how glad I was that my socks were clean and I was wearing slip on shoes, I stopped and noticed a huge video screen with people gathering all around.  This huge screen seemed to have taken the place of the usual snake line.

What was going on?

Up on that large screen there were words in large print and in several languages.

“Your instructions will begin in just a moment and will be repeated every ten minutes, Thank you for your patience.”

Then, a voice began a countdown message  5, 4, 3, 2…

Transportation Security Administration staff (...

On the Screen appeared a group of TSA Agents.

“Good Morning, great to see you all,” said one of the agents.  I looked around and wondered… how do they see me?

“We want you all to know there will be no screening of any passengers today, or any other day for that matter.”

There was a major gasp that went through the crowd laced with whispered variations of the popular question phrase  …..What the?

“You may all proceed to the gate and board the plane,” said another agent with a wide smile.

All of the travelers immediately began to converse one more shocked then the next.

“No screening?…. What happened? ….. Is this a strike?……Did they catch Bin Laden?”

“The weather must have all the agents snowbound.”

“I blame global warming” one passenger stated.

“It’s not global warming you idiot, it’s climate change!” another passenger exclaimed.

“Maybe this is a Oprah gag, maybe we’re  all getting cars”  The theories continued.

“Don’t be ridiculous! Haven’t you noticed, we are all standing, we don’t have seats to reach under, it can’t be Oprah”

“This must be the work of Ellen….No I’m thinking Conan…Hey, someone must be high…”

Another smiling face on the big screen said, “Hold on a minute everyone, let us explain.”  the noisy crowd hushed.

“Friends, friends, we have all quit, it’s just that simple.” the agents began.

“You may get on that plane with anything you want.” they said with a big smile.

The passenger voices began to buzz again.

“Why?… Who?…. How?…. What?  …. When?… Where?”   This crowd of travelers was chock full of questions.

The TSA agents were beaming.

“We can see that you have questions.”  Again, I wondered, ahhhh, how do they see us?

“Let us explain.”  The agents each took turns with the details.

“We are told that you Americans LOVE  your freedom more then anything else.”

“We also know that many Americans have been sold on the phrase ‘Get Government Out Of The Way’.”

“Sarah Palin tells us that you enjoy being self reliant.”  The agent that delivered that line looked a little too happy announcing that tid bit of wisdom.

“You want less restrictions, and most Americans don’t like that word ‘Uncertainty’.”  Then, in unison, they all began…..

“So welcome to the all new, freedom loving, get government out of your way, self reliant, no restrictions ever, boarding process!”

“You will enjoy these many benefits, for Certain and for reals!”

“No waiting, no screening, no Nudie X-Ray Machine, No Pat Downs! No restrictions on carry-ons, You can keep your shoes on, you will not have to show an ID, you will not have to go through any metal detectors or any x-ray machines, you may bring anything you like on the plane, and…… we mean anything.”

The TSA agents continued, “Say, did you have to leave something behind last time? Well no more, as a matter of fact, please go through the lost and found and confiscated bin to see if anything belongs to you. The bin is located to your left and there you will find that we have an array of tweezers, lighters, nail polish remover, pinking shears, bun-gee cords, hammers, cork screws, ice picks, piano wire, firearms, clubs, battery acid, nails, hedge trimmers, snakes, box cutters, bowie knifes, baby formula, super glue, battle axes, large spiders, hand grenades, ginsu knives and chain saws galore.”

“So please pick up anything that looks like yours and feel free to take it with you.”

Some of the passengers were dumb struck and a few were eyeing that lost and found and confiscated bin.

The TSA agents began to speak again.

“Look folks, it has been loads of fun to work for you all.  We are going to have some great memories.”

“You know, we  have loved  putting our hands all over your sweaty, flabby, fleshy,  why do you bother with the spanx, ….ewww… this one is wearing depends, yuk, polyester clad bodies.”

“We know some of you purposely forgot to take the Beeno just so you could wait for that perfect pat down moment to let it rip. Hahaha,  you guys were so funny. How many times did I hear the Philly Cheese Steak excuse? Shucks, we are going to really miss you crazy nuts.”

The travelers were spell bound and the agents continued their presentation.

“Now don’t go missing us, and don’t worry about us, we will NOT be in the unemployment line.  We all have new jobs in the private sector! Thats right, we will be working for Carl Rove and his friends and the best part , they are giving us a nice raise! Yes that nice Mr. Rove and his friends want to see President Obama fail  ASAP and they a betting on a disaster to help that along. They are worried that President Obama has had some legislative victories and the economy might get better and that does not fit into their ‘Messaging’.”

The TSA agents continued,  “So, thats where you come in….. and we go out. Some of  us will be working from home, on our computers, posting on web sites and blogs playing the part of disgruntled democrats or pissed off progressives that write things like ‘Obama is weak’ and  ‘I threw my vote away’.”

“Some of us will just be right wing talking points repeaters or Ayn Rand quoters while others will be confusers and frustraters, again working from our computer at home.  There are some lucky ones (the white ones) that  will be helping Republicans with the ground game for the next election.  They will be at town hall meetings with large signs and very big boots…… in case of a stomping opportunity.”

“Now you passengers do your part and act as obnoxious and unruly as you like.”

Well, some of the travelers seemed to have a little relief  knowing that the agents will not be soaking up the unemployment insurance, or,  so they thought and wondered and  looked puzzled.

Then, the agents finished up with a bang.

“Oh, and one last thing, notice the new parking rules at the  arrivals and departures drop off and pickup lines.”

“Major Good News! There are no more rules!  Park where ever you want, for as long as you want. First come first serve!!!

“So go on kids, RUN,  you have a plane to catch!  Oh and Happy Holidays!”

Then a lingering TSA voice on the big screen observed. “Hey sir, pssst, don’t forget that backpack you left behind you.” the agent reminded , and again I wondered, how do they see us?

Should we ever fly again?

The last thing I heard from the traveling crowd was “Every man/woman for himself  or herself!”

Written by PatsyT

Mary Poppins said, "Practically perfect in every way" Today, I say, "Practically progressive in every way"

47 Responses so far.

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  1. javaz says:

    Bikini Lady banned from flight because of ‘unusual’ contour around her bottom.


  2. Kalima says:

    To Q:

    Run out of Reply buttons, happens all the time. Apropos your comment about 3’X3′, I see you’ve met “Long Dong.”

  3. Haruko Haruhara says:

    I wonder why *I* get patted down at the airport when big ol fat sweaty guys don’t!

    …. maybe because I wear big boots…?

  4. Khirad says:

    Excellent job with displaying the absurdity of the so-called libertarian paradises.

  5. escribacat says:

    I wonder if TSA workers are claiming combat pay now?

  6. Questinia says:

    I think they should have security everywhere like restaurants and lingerie shops. Patters in lingerie shops will be able to tell your correct bra size and patters in restaurants will be able to tell what to avoid on the menu based on girth.

    People should be patted down when they enter our homes, use public restrooms, exit buildings to go on the street, get in and out of taxi cabs. We should become a nation of patters, Patsy! Think about it. All those Americans who go untouched for years and years can now look forward to the desperate “tender caresses” of patters greeting them at Denny’s.

    Accredited schools giving degrees in patting can be attended. Patting can wipe out unemployment. It is our future.

    • PatsyT says:

      I am thinking about it Q, and I like it! A nation of patters!
      This will have additional unexpected benefits to our society.
      Couples counseling may become obsolete.
      Children will learn a healthy dose of anatomy, making it easier to get into medical school.
      We will be on our best behavior with our levels of consumption to keep our size in check.
      Folks will take the walk more often and get healthy levels of exercise.
      Healthcare costs will go down as a result.
      And we will all FEEL so secure!
      You are on to something good, Q.

    • Khirad says:

      Why not, who doesn’t love a massage? As long as they do it tenderly, and are, preferably, attractive, I’m all for this.

    • bito says:

      Hey, I’m in favor of some patting and groping, if I remember. 😉

    • escribacat says:

      😆 We’ll have to add this to the job description of those Wal-Mart greeters!

      • PatsyT says:

        Welcome to Walmart, May I Help You…

        • Questinia says:

          OOH MAMA! Look at those hands.

          • PatsyT says:

            It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire text. The man is still looking at his thumb.

            From a facebook friend….

  7. whatsthatsound says:

    This is great, Patsy! Really funny and very biting.

  8. bito says:

    You now have the freedom to be hijacked, if you have a problem with that talk to your mother.

  9. kesmarn says:

    Patsy, love your satire!

    “They” do want it both/all ways, don’t they? Rules and procedure (“No jumping to the head of the line, illegals!”) for everyone else; “freedom” for “them.”

    What “they” would really like would be one airport for wealthy, white Anglo-Saxon Protestants and another for — the riff-raff. Ya think? 😉

    • bito says:

      What, ya gotta problem with that?

      • kesmarn says:

        Biff, my dear, it’s the way the world was always meant to be. Otherwise why would the Creator have made us superior in the first place?

        Your partner in tea sipping,


        • PatsyT says:

          Don’t you two have a private plane to catch?

          • kesmarn says:

            Indeed, Patsy… and this is what our people do as we board…

            They serenade us!

            • kesmarn says:

              I understand that there are some illegal immigrants who are running a special on pneumonia if you call now. For as little as $10/day they will have pneumonia for you.

              But wait! There’s more! If you order today, they will throw in a free ear infection at no extra charge. Shipping, handling and antibiotics are extra.

            • kesmarn says:

              Yes…we’re interviewing at the moment for potential applicants to die for us. But you know how it is — everyone wants top dollar to do the least little thing. It’s positively tiresome, my dear.

            • bito says:

              Hey, I seem to be able to get pneumonia real easily, what are you paying for a short bout of that? 😆

            • PatsyT says:

              Oooo that is a help, hire someone else to have the flu for you!
              Just like they hire out surrogate women for nine months to have all of those troublesome pregnancy and childbirth things taken care of.

            • kesmarn says:

              Yes. That did make it ever so convenient for the staff.

              However, since we take care never to associate with people who are gauche enough to have viruses or germs on them, we don’t really need to worry about such things…[pinkie finger out as the tea is sipped]…we hire people to have the flu for us.

            • PatsyT says:

              That is so beautiful! Ahhh the privileged life!
              It looks like you get free flu shots during the serenade.

  10. javaz says:

    Have you seen this article about Homeland Security coming to malls and hotels?


    Not a flier, so I do not have a dog in this fight, but have talked to a few people who fly regularly and they have no problem with the TSA ex-ray machines and/or pat downs.
    One person did express concern over the safety of the ex-rays though, as they fly multiple times per week.

    I’ve just got the same questions as some people do about the invasive security checks.
    What happens when someone hides contraband inside a body part?

    What about security concerns regarding baggage handlers and other workers who have access to planes?


    • PatsyT says:

      In reality, I have no problem with any of the screenings at all and made a point to thank the agents the last time we had a trip. I just could not get over the attitude of some of the fellow passengers.
      They seemed SO put out and Oh this is SO beneath them!
      Do these complainers have an effective alternative? No.
      That has to be a tough job standing for hours, they even tell you that you will be standing for three hours at a time in the application for employment.
      I can’t wait to see the faces at the local malls!
      That should be eye opening.

      • javaz says:

        Here’s another article about the ex-ray scanners and that they do not detect explosives --

        “It’s not an explosive detector; it’s an anomaly detector,” Clark Ervin, who runs the Homeland Security Program at the Aspen Institute, told the Post. “Someone has to notice that there’s something out of order.”

        Which means those security employees who stare at the screens have to be sharp enough and well-trained enough to detect things that are abnormal. (And some experts think that if the explosives are flat and pancake-shaped and taped to your stomach, they could not be detected anyway, because the picture would look too normal.)


        Citing an ABC report, Crowley said, “There are some major airports who had a 70 percent failure rate at detecting guns, knives, bombs, that they got through in your tests…. So how good can it be when you have major airports with a 70 percent fail rate?”

        Napolitano dismissed those results as old and questionable and said, “Let’s set those aside.” One of the real successes of the machines and procedures, Napolitano said, is that they discourage terrorists from even trying to get on planes.

        In other words, the machines keep us safe even if they don’t work at all.


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