Holiday Greetings from the TSA

It was to be a typical trip to the airport and an average flight.

Oh Boy, I had no idea what was in store for me.

I got the car parked, had bags in tow and started the walk to the terminal when I noticed more then a few cars parked in the drop off area.

“Hmmm, strange,” I thought, “they are going to get a big fat ticket.” Where are those security guys on wheels that bark at the cars that dare to slow down?

Walking toward the security area I knew it was time to brace myself for that inevitable line of passengers being herded along to their meeting with the fun folks of the TSA.  

As I was thinking about how glad I was that my socks were clean and I was wearing slip on shoes, I stopped and noticed a huge video screen with people gathering all around.  This huge screen seemed to have taken the place of the usual snake line.

What was going on?

Up on that large screen there were words in large print and in several languages.

“Your instructions will begin in just a moment and will be repeated every ten minutes, Thank you for your patience.”

Then, a voice began a countdown message  5, 4, 3, 2…

On the Screen appeared a group of TSA Agents.

“Good Morning, great to see you all,” said one of the agents.  I looked around and wondered… how do they see me?

“We want you all to know there will be no screening of any passengers today, or any other day for that matter.”

There was a major gasp that went through the crowd laced with whispered variations of the popular question phrase  …..What the?

“You may all proceed to the gate and board the plane,” said another agent with a wide smile.

All of the travelers immediately began to converse one more shocked then the next.

“No screening?…. What happened? ….. Is this a strike?……Did they catch Bin Laden?”

“The weather must have all the agents snowbound.”

“I blame global warming” one passenger stated.

“It’s not global warming you idiot, it’s climate change!” another passenger exclaimed.

“Maybe this is a Oprah gag, maybe we’re  all getting cars”  The theories continued.

“Don’t be ridiculous! Haven’t you noticed, we are all standing, we don’t have seats to reach under, it can’t be Oprah”

“This must be the work of Ellen….No I’m thinking Conan…Hey, someone must be high…”

Another smiling face on the big screen said, “Hold on a minute everyone, let us explain.”  the noisy crowd hushed.

“Friends, friends, we have all quit, it’s just that simple.” the agents began.

“You may get on that plane with anything you want.” they said with a big smile.

The passenger voices began to buzz again.

“Why?… Who?…. How?…. What?  …. When?… Where?”   This crowd of travelers was chock full of questions.

The TSA agents were beaming.

“We can see that you have questions.”  Again, I wondered, ahhhh, how do they see us?

“Let us explain.”  The agents each took turns with the details.

“We are told that you Americans LOVE  your freedom more then anything else.”

“We also know that many Americans have been sold on the phrase ‘Get Government Out Of The Way’.”

“Sarah Palin tells us that you enjoy being self reliant.”  The agent that delivered that line looked a little too happy announcing that tid bit of wisdom.

“You want less restrictions, and most Americans don’t like that word ‘Uncertainty’.”  Then, in unison, they all began…..

“So welcome to the all new, freedom loving, get government out of your way, self reliant, no restrictions ever, boarding process!”

“You will enjoy these many benefits, for Certain and for reals!”

“No waiting, no screening, no Nudie X-Ray Machine, No Pat Downs! No restrictions on carry-ons, You can keep your shoes on, you will not have to show an ID, you will not have to go through any metal detectors or any x-ray machines, you may bring anything you like on the plane, and…… we mean anything.”

The TSA agents continued, “Say, did you have to leave something behind last time? Well no more, as a matter of fact, please go through the lost and found and confiscated bin to see if anything belongs to you. The bin is located to your left and there you will find that we have an array of tweezers, lighters, nail polish remover, pinking shears, bun-gee cords, hammers, cork screws, ice picks, piano wire, firearms, clubs, battery acid, nails, hedge trimmers, snakes, box cutters, bowie knifes, baby formula, super glue, battle axes, large spiders, hand grenades, ginsu knives and chain saws galore.”

“So please pick up anything that looks like yours and feel free to take it with you.”

Some of the passengers were dumb struck and a few were eyeing that lost and found and confiscated bin.

The TSA agents began to speak again.

“Look folks, it has been loads of fun to work for you all.  We are going to have some great memories.”

“You know, we  have loved  putting our hands all over your sweaty, flabby, fleshy,  why do you bother with the spanx, ….ewww… this one is wearing depends, yuk, polyester clad bodies.”

“We know some of you purposely forgot to take the Beeno just so you could wait for that perfect pat down moment to let it rip. Hahaha,  you guys were so funny. How many times did I hear the Philly Cheese Steak excuse? Shucks, we are going to really miss you crazy nuts.”

The travelers were spell bound and the agents continued their presentation.

“Now don’t go missing us, and don’t worry about us, we will NOT be in the unemployment line.  We all have new jobs in the private sector! Thats right, we will be working for Carl Rove and his friends and the best part , they are giving us a nice raise! Yes that nice Mr. Rove and his friends want to see President Obama fail  ASAP and they a betting on a disaster to help that along. They are worried that President Obama has had some legislative victories and the economy might get better and that does not fit into their ‘Messaging’.”

The TSA agents continued,  “So, thats where you come in….. and we go out. Some of  us will be working from home, on our computers, posting on web sites and blogs playing the part of disgruntled democrats or pissed off progressives that write things like ‘Obama is weak’ and  ‘I threw my vote away’.”

“Some of us will just be right wing talking points repeaters or Ayn Rand quoters while others will be confusers and frustraters, again working from our computer at home.  There are some lucky ones (the white ones) that  will be helping Republicans with the ground game for the next election.  They will be at town hall meetings with large signs and very big boots…… in case of a stomping opportunity.”

“Now you passengers do your part and act as obnoxious and unruly as you like.”

Well, some of the travelers seemed to have a little relief  knowing that the agents will not be soaking up the unemployment insurance, or,  so they thought and wondered and  looked puzzled.

Then, the agents finished up with a bang.

“Oh, and one last thing, notice the new parking rules at the  arrivals and departures drop off and pickup lines.”

“Major Good News! There are no more rules!  Park where ever you want, for as long as you want. First come first serve!!!

“So go on kids, RUN,  you have a plane to catch!  Oh and Happy Holidays!”

Then a lingering TSA voice on the big screen observed. “Hey sir, pssst, don’t forget that backpack you left behind you.” the agent reminded , and again I wondered, how do they see us?

Should we ever fly again?

The last thing I heard from the traveling crowd was “Every man/woman for himself  or herself!”