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AdLib On June - 14 - 2010

As an intrepid blogger, I try to seek the truth wherever it is. Using a valuable contact of mine (a deity who shall remain unnamed at this time but has been known to share his blog here occasionally), I sought to arrange an interview with the very personification of all that is evil but unfortunately, Rupert Murdoch wouldn’t return my calls.

So, I had to settle for Satan.

Satan and I met at a Starbucks in Venice, California, he had an iced mocha frappacino which unfortunately evaporated as he carried it to the table, I had an iced black tea which Satan kept “mistakenly” sipping and singing the lip of the cup.

Here is an excerpt from our conversation:

ADLIB: Satan, thanks so much for taking the time to do this interview, I know you’ve got a lot going on right now.

SATAN: Actually, it’s kind of a slow season for me so I’ve been catching up on all of the episodes of Lost that I missed. Who woulda thought they were dead? Duh?

ADLIB: Hmm…we’ve got this ongoing economic crisis, the BP Oil spill destroying the gulf, Israel’s attack on the floatilla, North Korea threatening war, Iran pursuing nuclear weapons, climate-change-caused severe weather killing more people each year and I don’t know where to begin with Lindsey Lohan and it’s a slow season for you?

SATAN: Actually it’s been slow since George W. Bush was elected, I mean, what do I have left to do? Personally, I enjoy driving countries into unnecessary wars, destroying the rights of free people, undermining the pillars of the world economy and causing disasters that devastate the ocean, land and air…but I don’t want to look like a copycat. Good thing I’m not in a union or there would be serious trouble, seriously, you guys have totally infringed on my job description.

ADLIB: So you’re saying that The Prince of Darkness has basically lost his job too and has joined the ranks of the unemployed?

SATAN: The down side is that it never felt like work to me, you know? The up side is, I forgot how much I enjoy Oprah.

ADLIB: What this means then is that human beings are now fully responsible for the worst evils that they face.

SATAN: Well, no one forces you to eat at Applebee’s, right? Heh! Though…that’s not a bad idea to explore…

ADLIB: Just to be clear then, you had nothing to do with the BP oil spill?

SATAN: That all depends on what the definition of “having nothing to do with something” means. I will say that indirectly I have made my contributions, instilling greed in the corporate world and apathy in the public when it comes to fossil fuels. I didn’t cause the spill, I just freed people at oil companies from conscience, they did all the rest…as I knew they would. Actually, if you don’t mind, I’d like to sing a little song about all of this.

ADLIB: I’d rather you didn’t, could we just continue our discussion?

SATAN: Right, that’s why I’m Satan, I like doing what other people want…

(At this point, there was a bright flash and when I could focus, I saw Satan was now standing in the middle of the Starbucks wearing a traditional Swiss dress with his horns in a Swiss braid. He smiled sarcastically, music swelled up from nowhere and he began to sing and prance around the Starbucks)

SATAN: (sings) Oil drops on wetlands and tarballs on beaches!
Bright shiny oil plumes and lame Hayward speeches!
Brown oily pelicans can’t use their wings,
these are a few of my favorite things!

Cream colored oceans and crisp jelly fishes!
Top Hats and and Top Kills and stunts that are wishes!
Wild geese can’t fly with the gunk on their wings,
these are a few of my favorite things!

Folks in white space suits with oil spots and splashes!
Thick tar that stays on my nose and eyelashes.
All the destruction that oil drilling brings,
these are a few of my favorite things!

When the well blows
When the Feds sting
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I just feel…so bad!!!

(I can’t recount all that accompanied this musical number but there was a chorus of dancing gay Republicans, oil company executives in a Rockette’s style kick line and mock broken oil wells spewing rhythmically like dancing fountains. A bright flash and suddenly Satan was back at our table, sipping the last of my black iced tea.)

SATAN: You should see the whole show, I get to play a Nazi too, it’s a funny in-joke, you know?

ADLIB: I…I’m naturally surprised, I didn’t know you liked to sing and dance. I always thought of Satan as, well, angry.

SATAN: You haven’t seen me before my first cup of coffee in the morning! (laughter) Seriously, ask anyone in the entertainment business, they’ll tell you who’s running things.

ADLIB: I was wondering–

(Satan’s cell phone beeps)

SATAN: Hold on…damn, I’ve got to get going now, I’m late for a FreedomWorks teleconference with Tea Party candidates. Sorry! Thanks for the iced tea! And remember, it’s always darkest before the dispersant! Hah!

A bright flash and a puff of smoke and he was gone. Then the Starbucks cashier came over and said Satan took a scone on his way out and said I’d pay. And folks wonder where corporate culture comes from.

Categories: Energy, Environment, Featured, Humor

Written by AdLib

My motto is, "It is better to have blogged and lost hours of your day, than never to have blogged at all."

49 Responses so far.

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  1. Questinia says:

    I once had to endure Satan doing “The Vagina Monologues” for a full hour. He then shaved his pubes as an avant-garde performance piece. I told him shaving pubes in public was the last act of a desperate artist.

    He then proceeded to give me a tour of Dante’s sixth circle and booked my room. It has a lovely view of the Styx and the harpies said they are looking forward to pecking my flesh off, yada yada. Satan is such a snooze.

  2. VegasBabe says:

    LMAO! Author, Author!!
    Adlib, you sure you don’t work for them Hollywood folks? You could make a killin’! 🙂

  3. AdLib says:

    Satan is such a joker!

    Ohio’s Jesus is latest religious statue to be struck by lightning

    By Monica Hesse and Dan Zak

    Washington Post
    Posted: 06/15/2010 05:59:25 PM PDT

    A bolt struck a 62-foot-tall statue of Jesus Christ outside a church in Monroe, Ohio, on Monday and the statue erupted in flames. All that remains is a charred steel skeleton, its spindly arms stretched toward heaven, a gesture that once earned it the nickname “Touchdown Jesus.”

    Darlene Bishop, co-pastor of Solid Rock Church, says she’s simply relieved that the lightning hit Jesus and not the home for at-risk women next door.

    “I told them, ‘It looks like Jesus took a hit for you last night,'” she said.

    Act of God? Act of nature?

    In 2008, lightning singed the fingers and eyebrows of Christ the Redeemer, the 130-foot Jesus statue that stands over Rio de Janeiro. In 2007, a bolt blasted the 33-foot Jesus statue at Mother Cabrini Shrine in Golden, Colo. One of Jesus’s arms fell off.

    The saints and angels are not safe either. The Notre Dame de Chicago’s Virgin Mary burst into flames from her perch atop the church’s dome in 1978; the Engineering News Record covered the construction of a new, lightning-resistant statue with the headline: “Burned once, dome reMaryed.”

    A bolt that struck St. Joan of Arc’s statue in New Orleans sliced her brandished staff in half. Statues of the Angel Moroni, which frequently top Mormon churches, have been hit by lightning with such frequency

  4. Kalima says:

    That’s him alright. Still trying to get the scorch marks off my sofa cover, the loo seat and the side of my head, it’s been a tough year with him hanging around.

    A laugh a minute as usual, loved the song!

    I suppose he’s also responsible for the missing gold stars I was about to give to you?

    Bloody hellish spoilsport!

    • AdLib says:

      That’s one thing about having Satan over, he’s hell on upholstery.

      Sorry about pulling the stars but trying to troubleshoot the recent comments problem and it may be conflicting with the stars.

      Either that…or it is all part of Satan’s evil plan!

      • Kalima says:

        Yes, I’m always conflicting with the stars too.

        I’m convinced it’s him though, always had a rather warped sense of humour that one.

        I’ll give you the full 10 anyway, put them somewhere safe for now. Btw, the comments went byebye after I posted this.

        • AdLib says:

          Satan’s way of winking at you. Fixed now!

          • Mightywoof says:

            It should be no surprise that it’s part of Satan’s evil plan AdLib -- and that he lied to you about the recent comments things. They’ve disappeared again this morning but I’ve no doubt they’ll come back when I hit the submit comment button -- doubtless Satan’s way of screwing with me today 🙂

            Great piece -- and I’ll never be ab;e to listen to Julie Andrews again without Satan’s voice coming out of her tonsils 🙄

          • Kalima says:

            Danke schoen!

            I think I’ll clog off now, too darned hot. Can’t tell the difference between a winky and a twinky. Aloha!

            • AdLib says:

              FYI, just brought the star ratings back…and if Satan strikes down our Recent Comments, there will be Hell to pay!

              And the only difference I can see between a winky and a Twinky is that a Twinky is less likely to get a guy to flirt with you.

  5. Jenuwin says:

    You have outdone yourself!

  6. kesmarn says:

    Satan! Breaking news!

    Your favorite artist, Thomas Kinkade, has just been arrested for drunk driving.

    So that’s how you got him to produce that “art!” Painting under the influence… You fiend.

  7. PepeLepew says:

    Just out of curiosity, AdLib, did you have to conduct your interview in Slovakian?

  8. PepeLepew says:

    Satan’s love song:

    • AdLib says:

      Thanks for posting this, Pepe, enjoyed watching it again. Reminded me of my delightful coffee with Satan.

      We were supposed to split the check but he left suddenly and totally burned me.

  9. AlphaBitch says:

    Shay-tawn! Who knew AdLib could nab a minute with you? Geez (and we ALL know who that is shorthand for), it’s been a while since I’ve seen/heard from you.

    Just wondering, if AdLib ever gets another chance -- one quick question: are you and Dick Cheney IDENTICAL twins or FRATERNAL? For the life of me, I can’t seem to tell the two of you apart.

    Best of luck with the Taliban and all the lithium in Afghanistan. That one belongs to you now.

  10. msbadger says:

    Funny stuff, AdLib! I loved it!

  11. FlyingLotus says:

    I’m not sure who I’d most like to have a glass of Bordeaux with.God, Satan?Satan, God?Buddha’s great and all, has a lovely sense of humor, but he’s so darned temperate!He’s too zen to break out into a song and dance routine.Although, he has been known to get down with a gong, when the mood strikes him.

    Outstanding piece!I don’t know how you do it, but you’ve outdone yourself, again, AdLib!

    • AdLib says:

      Thanks so much Flying Lotus! God is a great dinner companion but you can’t take him to Sizzler because he’s everywhere at once and you can’t get to any of the selections at the salad bar.

      Satan is a great conversationalist but he won’t even ask when he takes the last lamb chop.

      Great to see you! Hope all is well with you!

  12. Khirad says:

    Great! As to Satanic musical numbers, it isn’t “Yes! We Have No Bananas” but,

  13. whatsthatsound says:

    Great Stuff! I see the musical number as a combination of “Be Our Guest” from Beauty and the Beast and “Springtime for Hitler” from The Producers.

    And believe me, that’s praise!

  14. PatsyT says:

    Ha! I knew it was you guys. The smoke coming out of the Starbucks was a dead give away. Next time try Burger King You’ll draw much less attention.

  15. FrankenPC says:

    Very good. A Satanic musical piece always brightens up my dreary day.

    You forgot to ask Satan if he plays hoovsies under the bathroom stall. I understand, he was rushed. There’s only so many questions one can ask.

    On a side note I wouldn’t be surprised if South Park does an episode on Arizona featuring Satan as an illegal immigrant.

    • Khirad says:

      Actually, I think the Jesus & Friends host should interview Jes

    • AdLib says:

      Cheers FrankenPC!

      Satan did mention along the way that his favorite bathroom is in the MN Airport and his favorite hike is up the Appalachian trail.

      How can Satan be an illegal immigrant in AZ? He lives in AZ, just a bit “south” of the border and they all share the same sensibilities…

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