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Chernynkaya On March - 26 - 2010

OK, I know I’m swimming upstream here like an Alaska salmon. But I gotta say it: Sarah Palin is not worthy of our interest any more than is Nadya Sulieman and her incredible egg-laying capacity. But, yeah, canned Sarah’s kind of fun:


Like any smelly salmon, Sarah started her journey as a small egg in a stream bed in Wasilla. This piece of Chum was spawned by Red Sockeye Billy Kristol and hatched by Silver Coho John McCain and she then began her journey flushed downstream towards the septic ocean of the media. She is now at the stage where she will spend a couple of years in the polluted streams and rivers of rural America, in the cheesy plastic Mall fountains and on the pond scum of Fox. And there she will grow from a small alevin to a juvenile smolt.

For now, Chum Sarah is famous! Wow! We really don’t know why. But that doesn’t stop the constant reporting from floating turds in the media. She’s nothing more than an overrated celebusalmon. She’s the equivalent of an ex-reality show star – like Charley Tuna –that’s somehow tricked enough people into believing that a convention speech and a series of embarrassing winks qualifies her to be a national political leader — even president — when, in fact, she’s only really qualified to be famous. She’s famous for being famous. A fad.


There is nothing that makes her more substantive than any other piece of Republican Chum. She’s just famous. And, uh… She’s famous. That’s about it. Oh, and she can repeat hard-right talking points without swallowing her own hook in the process. She thrashes around policy like any other fish out of water, flopping and gasping for facts.

Maybe whoever Palin’s fish-handlers happen to be are cynical enough to believe that Chum Sarah will flail her celebreality all the way into King Neptune’s White House.

UNCOVERED! The Right-wing plot: How To Handle Celebusalmon


They’ve taken a hard look at the present climate of celebusalmon gossip and fishy reality television ratings and they’ve identified an opening in under-water America’s obvious infatuation with guppy superficiality — and they’re ready to exploit it for political power. Where Ronald Reagan was a Chinook in the old-Hollywood framework, this Chum is a celebrity in the talentless, Balloon Boy, reality show, Prejean-Heidi Montag-Dugger, new-Hollywood framework. A reality show president.  Small fry.

The rise of Chum Sarah could easily be a page from Paddy Chayefsky’s “Network” so it’s not difficult to imagine a blurring of the line between the quality of being famous and the quality of being presidential — an eventual time when these traits become totally interchangeable. It’s already happened in Hollywood with the rise of unscripted reality and game show personalities slowly replacing actors and filmmakers, and the calculation coming from the Chum camp seems to be that this programming formula can be applied to Orca politics. But  here’s what happens when you swim with the really big guys, Sarah:

(FF to 1:15)

Here’s how it works: Take a not unattractive smelt with a wacky family/school and mix in some drama. Add cameras and POOF! We have a candidate/show. Again, what does that leave us with? A reality show novelty. A tabloid hero. Not a world leader. Not even a Chinook Salmon, just lox.

In Chum Sarah’s defense, there’s no doubt that she’s relatable to a certain demographic of bottom-feeding Americans who are don’t care that she swam from school to school until she got to the Rogue River. But if you dig down into the reasons why certain schools of fish adore her, it’s obvious that they’re simply “fans” (or “fins”) who can relate to this salmon’s ordinary pond and six-pack ideology. After all, fishing is just an excuse to drink beer.

Chum Sarah and her adoring smolts will now school together and ready themselves for the trip out into the ocean. During this time, Chum Sarah’s body will change to adapt to the seawater, and thankfully, she will no longer attract the attention of the salivating media sharks. She will spend several years swimming in the Bering Sea and the Gulf of Alaska. Unless she gets caught by the Russian Bear Putin.

If she ever fully matures, she will swim back to their original stream or river where she will re-adapt to the fresh water of anonymity and swim back up the stream to reach her original spawning grounds. Let us hope that once Chum Sarah gets back to her natal stream, she will breed and lay her eggs no more. At this point, salmon like Sarah generally die within a week, fertilizing the stream and creating a nutrient-rich environment for the new infant salmon that are about to hatch. The next big thing. Another shiny object.

Oh, and a note to Chum Sarah: You do realize they also fish from helicopters, don’t you?


More fun than shooting fish in a barrel! But seriously, I say we let her live out her short life-cycle and and swim back upstream to again be the big fish in the small Wasilla pond. She reeks!

Categories: News & Politics

Written by Chernynkaya

I am an artist and have lived in Los Angeles all of my life, except for a brief hippie period when I lived in SF. I am currently (semi-unwillingly) retired, but have had several careers.

59 Responses so far.

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  1. bitohistory says:

    A take on Falin’ Palin and her visit in Tucson by a local political “tooner and wit.

    Sarah Palin appeared with John McCain at the Pima County Fairgrounds. Halfway through the rally, she quit. Palin claimed, “The decision to quit midway through was tough -- but it’s my habit.” She added that it was time “to get back to plugging my book.”

    The former Alaska governor displayed her comprehensive knowledge about Arizona when she announced from the stage, “I can see Mexico from here.”

    Throughout the rally Palin referred to McCain’s opponent as “Mr. Hay.” An aide later explained that the name “J. D. Hayworth” was too long to fit on her palm.


    • javaz says:

      LMAO B’ito!!!

      I can see Mexico from our rural part near the Superstition Mountains, too!

      We’re all teabaggers!

      How uncomfortable did McCain and Cindy look with that stupid camera-loving teabagging bitch?

      Did you know that Joe the Plumber was in Phoenix yesterday, talking about small businesses and how the 1 cent tax would hurt them?

      Joe is not a plumber nor is his name Joe!

      Salmon Sarah was at a high school here today and it they are not going to see McCain, but to see her assholiness.

      She actually called Hayworth Mr. Hay?

      Guess that makes sense since she had a hard time with Biden’s name in that she kept calling him O’Biden!

      What a freak show.

    • Chernynkaya says:

      Bito--that’s a riot! Mr. Hay-- 😆 !!!

  2. javaz says:

    OMG, Cher, I love this post!

    I haven’t read anything so funny, clever and witty in a very long time!


    We in Arizona had a two-fer yesterday with Salmon Sarah down in Tucson and Joe the Plumber up in Phoenix.
    Talk about stinky and fishy!

  3. Vituperation says:

    Sarah needs a visit from the brain fairy. That’s the one that leaves a brain instead of a quarter. I think Sarah opted for the quarters. Otherwise how could we expalin her 2 bit intelligence???

    I love it -- great piece.

    • Chernynkaya says:

      Thanks, Vitup! Yep--she has already traded whatever soul she had for fame so it stands to reason that she’d opt for chump change over brains!

  4. whatsthatsound says:

    Great, funny article, Cher! Remember the scene in The Meaning of Life where “The Salmon” does in the dinner party-ers?
    If SP ever becomes president, the whole country will get salmonella.

  5. escribacat says:

    Brilliant, Cher! I keep thinking the Sarah-mania has died down and up she pops again, with that grating voice of hers. Gawd. She and Octomom have a lot in common as far as I’m concerned.

  6. HITO says:

    Sadly, people’s craving for Palin never seems to abate.

    If they started finding mercury in salmon, lox sales would undoubtedly decline, given the fear of being poisoned.

    No matter how much stupid we discover about Palin, there is still a segment of this country that wants her out there in the public eye which defies logic. She is poisoning them and they seem oblivious to its effects.

    Good analogy Cher.

  7. Khirad says:

    What is she wearing?!

  8. boomer1949 says:

    At first glance I thought I read “Chump” — but it didn’t make sense with Salmon. 😆 Nevertheless, Chump fits too, just not with Salmon, heh!

    1.Informal. a stupid person; dolt: Don’t be a chump

  9. bitohistory says:

    Just popped in for a bit, I need to get ready to go see Sister S’arah at the County fair grounds. Her and John McGrump are belling our county. I imagine that is where Khirad is by now.
    (Actually I am going to the grocery store. 😉 )

  10. PatsyT says:

    I love this Cher
    I’ll be laughing all weekend!
    A ‘Reality Show’ for her ???
    Just like all the other ‘Reality’ Shows
    sans Reality.
    It’s just A Twinky
    except for fluff
    Looks like something worth eating
    until you read the label
    (that is if you can read)
    then you see all the poison additives
    that can kill you

  11. KQuark says:

    You have caught the essence of sister Sarah in a hilarious way. From what I understand she also spread her eggs more widely than she would have you believe. 😉

  12. SueInCa says:

    Totally hilarious. Great analogy Cher!

  13. choicelady says:

    LOL!!! This is SO funny! But Sarah will take it as a hate crime against her, so keep your head down when her helicopter hovers near!

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