OK, I know I’m swimming upstream here like an Alaska salmon. But I gotta say it: Sarah Palin is not worthy of our interest any more than is Nadya Sulieman and her incredible egg-laying capacity. But, yeah, canned Sarah’s kind of fun:
Like any smelly salmon, Sarah started her journey as a small egg in a stream bed in Wasilla. This piece of Chum was spawned by Red Sockeye Billy Kristol and hatched by Silver Coho John McCain and she then began her journey flushed downstream towards the septic ocean of the media. She is now at the stage where she will spend a couple of years in the polluted streams and rivers of rural America, in the cheesy plastic Mall fountains and on the pond scum of Fox. And there she will grow from a small alevin to a juvenile smolt.
For now, Chum Sarah is famous! Wow! We really don’t know why. But that doesn’t stop the constant reporting from floating turds in the media. She’s nothing more than an overrated celebusalmon. She’s the equivalent of an ex-reality show star – like Charley Tuna –that’s somehow tricked enough people into believing that a convention speech and a series of embarrassing winks qualifies her to be a national political leader — even president — when, in fact, she’s only really qualified to be famous. She’s famous for being famous. A fad.
There is nothing that makes her more substantive than any other piece of Republican Chum. She’s just famous. And, uh… She’s famous. That’s about it. Oh, and she can repeat hard-right talking points without swallowing her own hook in the process. She thrashes around policy like any other fish out of water, flopping and gasping for facts.
Maybe whoever Palin’s fish-handlers happen to be are cynical enough to believe that Chum Sarah will flail her celebreality all the way into King Neptune’s White House.
UNCOVERED! The Right-wing plot: How To Handle Celebusalmon
They’ve taken a hard look at the present climate of celebusalmon gossip and fishy reality television ratings and they’ve identified an opening in under-water America’s obvious infatuation with guppy superficiality — and they’re ready to exploit it for political power. Where Ronald Reagan was a Chinook in the old-Hollywood framework, this Chum is a celebrity in the talentless, Balloon Boy, reality show, Prejean-Heidi Montag-Dugger, new-Hollywood framework. A reality show president. Small fry.
The rise of Chum Sarah could easily be a page from Paddy Chayefsky’s “Network” so it’s not difficult to imagine a blurring of the line between the quality of being famous and the quality of being presidential — an eventual time when these traits become totally interchangeable. It’s already happened in Hollywood with the rise of unscripted reality and game show personalities slowly replacing actors and filmmakers, and the calculation coming from the Chum camp seems to be that this programming formula can be applied to Orca politics. But here’s what happens when you swim with the really big guys, Sarah:
(FF to 1:15)
Here’s how it works: Take a not unattractive smelt with a wacky family/school and mix in some drama. Add cameras and POOF! We have a candidate/show. Again, what does that leave us with? A reality show novelty. A tabloid hero. Not a world leader. Not even a Chinook Salmon, just lox.
In Chum Sarah’s defense, there’s no doubt that she’s relatable to a certain demographic of bottom-feeding Americans who are don’t care that she swam from school to school until she got to the Rogue River. But if you dig down into the reasons why certain schools of fish adore her, it’s obvious that they’re simply “fans” (or “fins”) who can relate to this salmon’s ordinary pond and six-pack ideology. After all, fishing is just an excuse to drink beer.
Chum Sarah and her adoring smolts will now school together and ready themselves for the trip out into the ocean. During this time, Chum Sarah’s body will change to adapt to the seawater, and thankfully, she will no longer attract the attention of the salivating media sharks. She will spend several years swimming in the Bering Sea and the Gulf of Alaska. Unless she gets caught by the Russian Bear Putin.
If she ever fully matures, she will swim back to their original stream or river where she will re-adapt to the fresh water of anonymity and swim back up the stream to reach her original spawning grounds. Let us hope that once Chum Sarah gets back to her natal stream, she will breed and lay her eggs no more. At this point, salmon like Sarah generally die within a week, fertilizing the stream and creating a nutrient-rich environment for the new infant salmon that are about to hatch. The next big thing. Another shiny object.
Oh, and a note to Chum Sarah: You do realize they also fish from helicopters, don’t you?
More fun than shooting fish in a barrel! But seriously, I say we let her live out her short life-cycle and and swim back upstream to again be the big fish in the small Wasilla pond. She reeks!