Once again, God has been motivated to blog and has been kind enough to share it with us.
Makes me feel appreciated for being a Deity Virgin when we met and not having any Gods before him…though I was always concerned that he might prefer someone with more experience and that I wasn’t worshiping him right despite his constant reassurances.
In any case, here is God’s latest blog entry:
Hey all! God here…and everywhere of course, which really reduces my need to have to pay a Carbon Offset, like ever, which is so worth the hassle of omnipresence.
Don’t know what your Thursday was like but mine was totally wack. So, it’s just a lazy afternoon for me and my son, fixing a few things around the place and telling more Republicans to run for office and announce that we told them to (they’re so gullible!) when I hear Pat Robertson blaming the devastating earthquake in Haiti on me being PO’d at the Hatians for not wanting to remain slaves!
WTF?
I may have created human beings in my image but if you think I look anything like Pat Robertson, you’re totally high.
The truth is, he and Rush look more like a relative of mine, they have his round face, even his creepy smile, not to mention that both of them think they can beat anyone in a fiddle contest.
So many nutty things to address and only an eternity to address them which just never seems like enough time.
Let me begin by saying straight up, I do not talk to Pat Robertson and neither does my son, we don’t even send him Christmas cards. It really pisses me off that he lies about this, I’d strike him down with a bolt of lightning but since he is one enormous negatively charged particle, I don’t want to blow up a whole city block.
Our falling out with Pat goes back to a nasty argument my son got into with him. My son got fed up with all the BS Pat was saying about us down there and wanted to sue him for Defamation of Character, I told him it would be impossible finding an impartial jury when you’re an infallible deity so my son decided to instead pay Pat a visit to see what’s what.
He explained to Pat that this was his first and last conversation with him, that he needs to stop lying and blaming us every time something bad happens on Earth. Meanwhile Pat stole my son’s Milano cookie from beside his coffee cup and ate it in one bite. What a dick.
My son went on to explain that when natural or man-made disasters occur on the planet (not The Planet, of course), it’s not us being vindictive weenies, its the result of the dynamics of existence in the physical plane and/or human nature.
“Pat, there are many forces in play in the physical world, many of which are in constant interaction with each other, such as plate tectonics which is what causes earthquakes. Earthquakes are not cause by belligerent, vengeful, grudge-holding all-powerful gods with the emotional maturity of a televangelist.”
That’s when Pat let one go, at first pretending he didn’t notice anything then blaming my son for the foul odor. My son replied, “You know what the 11th Commandment would have been? ‘He who smelt it, dealt it’.”
In retrospect, I think that really does describe Pat fully and succinctly.
Pat keeps smelling the scent of sulfur all around him. The scent of evil (and nachos). And he keeps pointing at everyone else, especially the meek, the suffering and those who have the least power, he points at them as the cause of what evil and noxious scent he smells.
However, in his off-handed remark, my son so wisely summed up that human ball of gas.
He who smelt it, dealt it.
And not only does he deal it, he stands Pat.
Edit. Quick, I need something profound to say!
Satan has replied to Pat Robertson.
Funny thing, is that the uber-fallen-one has replied from Minnesota.
This might explain Michelle Bachman.
Courtesy of Lily Coyle, Minneapolis
Star Tribune Link
That’s what I said earlier! It sort of defeats the purpose of a Faustian deal, no? And yes, it reduces God to a petty bully. At one time he had his lieutenant Satan to torment people, like Job, to test their faith. But; His right-hand man had a “falling out” – and in any case, the birth of His son made Him a changed Omnipotent Being. I thought he was all about love now.
If this Pat’s idea of God, I can’t imagine why anyone would want to worship such a being. Does his God want my love? or just my fear and submission and constant praise to salve His insecure Ego? Who was it that said, both God and Satan want your soul, but only the latter will pay you for it?
And hey, the guy Downstairs is a little offended by this too. It makes him look like he doesn’t honor his deals. And you know, Satan has feelings too.
😆 that is hilarious.
That’s good j’avaz!
But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract. Best, Satan
😆
Nice Blog GOD. I’ve really enjoyed your various billboards over the years, as well..!
1. “Let’s Meet At My House Sunday Before the Game” – God
2. “C’mon Over And Bring The Kids” – God
3. “What Part of “Thou Shalt Not…” Didn’t You Understand?” – God
4. “We Need To Talk” – God
5. “Keep Using My Name in Vain And I’ll Make Rush Hour Longer” – God
6. “Will The Road You’re On Get You To My Place?” – God
7. “Follow Me.” – God
8. “Big Bang Theory, You’ve Got To Be Kidding.” – God
9. “Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test.” – God
10. “Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage” – God
11. “That “Love Thy Neighbor” Thing, I Meant It.” – God
12. “I Love You…I Love You…I Love You…” – God
13. “My Way Is The Highway.” – God
14. “You Think It’s Hot Here?” – God
15. “Tell The Kids I Love Them.” – God
16. “Need a Marriage Counselor? I’m Available.” – God
17. “Need Directions?” – God
“You think it’s hot here? –God
THERE IS A ME!!! PASS IT ON – GOD
I TOLD NOAH TO SWAT ONE OF THOSE TWO MOSQUITOES – GOD
BEEN TAKEN FOR GRANTED?…. I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL – GOD
YOU’RE ALL EQUAL IN MY EYES… WHY AREN’T YOU ALL EQUAL IN YOURS? – GOD
Hi all – just got online to find the wonderful message from God. I totally believe that would be he/she/its point of view. I love it! Thank you for sharing God’s message, AdLib – I laughed til I cried!
I would SERIOUSLY like to recommend that if you loved what AdLib passed on from God (ahem) you will like reading the ‘missing gospels’ of Jesus’ youth written by his best childhood friend, Biff. The book is “Lamb” by Christopher Moore, and it’s one of the most hilarious, bawdy, racy, irreverant and truthful books EVER about Christianity and Jesus’ life, albeit total fiction. It’s supposedly the story of the ‘missing years’ of Jesus’ life, and it makes sense of how Christ matured and grew and changed his entire view of life, faith, God, humans – why his teachings are so radical. It’s at points deeply moving and sometimes heartbreaking, but it’s also one of the funniest books you’ll ever read, and I recommend it heartily. This is an audience that would truly appreciate it! Enjoy!
Looks like God is stiring up the folks in France. Or maybe it’s the Satan!
Pat Robertson Haiti comments: French view theory with disbelief
http://news.yahoo.com/s/csm/20100114/wl_csm/273911
Considering the deal the Haitian slaves made was actually with the French, I can see why they hate the implication.
From the article:
I was thinking about the crappy terms especially the “reparations” for wealthy French land owners that the French extorted from the Haitian people to grant them their independence which was the first thing that crippled the Haitian economy. To pay all the gold the French wanted the Haitian people had to do draconian things like shut down their school system in order to pay the French.
KQ, I read that when you posted it yesterday. The part of them having to close the schools in order to pay the ransom had me shaking my head! No wonder they have had a hard time progressing!
What Robertson said is absolutely unforgivable. I probably should have been more direct instead of being sarcastic and say the French need to recognize their terrible history with Haiti. They are as just responsible as anyone for the situation in Haiti.
Yes, but Pat says God can’t leg press 2,000 lbs like he can. I’ve heard Pat always tries to hold that over God’s head.
But, apparently God told Pat everybody knows gay men are particularly good at leg presses.
Then God called Pat by his real name: Marion.
Adlib my wife received an email today from a friend that is hilarious and definitely fits the topic.
Leave it to a chemist to describe hell.
My guess is someone will try to find the kid and challenge him to a debate…
…or maybe “Teresa”?
…or possibly the professor (and not the professor from Gilligan’s Island either)
…of course there’s always Ginger or Mary Ann
I’m guessing Teresa isn’t too happy about this post circulating around the internet. Unless, of course, the student made her up — which isn’t all that unlikely!
That is great, KQ! I got tears in my eyes from laughing. Thanks for sharing!
Hilarious!
That is perfect!
Yeah I was thinking I don’t care how he answered the other questions on the test because that was one of the wittiest things I’ve ever read and he deserves an A+ for that answer alone.
Laughing hard as hell!! 😆
Leave it to a chemist to turn Teresa into a theist!
We chemists have our ways.
😆
That was so witty, I’m not gonna mess with its flaws (from a comparative religion standpoint).
😆 another great one. Trying to secure the humor category in 2010 I see already.
My wife actually use to hang around with one of Pat Robinson’s granddaughters when they were young. Her father is a preacher and he was trying to get Robinson to support an African American religious TV station he was trying to start. Of course she and his granddaughter had to keep their friendship on the DL because you know Pat don’t believe in that race mixin’ stuff. Actually my wife’s nickname for him is Mighty Mouse.
“Mighty Mouse”……….I love it!! 😆
Halloo there Nicole. Nice to see you!
You too, escriba!! 🙂
Btw, KQuark, no more Friday night music thread??
To be honest I was hoping last Friday’s Elvis Birthday thread would take it’s place and I did not want to be redundant. But worse today I plum forgot.
😆
God asked me to pass along this reply:
I think God may have a more neutral attitude toward the color spectrum. Just a thought …. 😉
Oh God, thanks for taking the time to set everyone straight, especially that dickhead, Pat, who wouldn’t say anything good about anyone who doesn’t have the same color of skin, and the same religion, unless someone threatened him with a weapon.
The man is a complete fool.
So thanks, God. We need all the help we can get with the Repub fundies.
Nichole? Am I seeing things? So good to see you here! Do hope things are going better for you.
Thank you, bito!! Am hanging in there. GREAT to see you, too!!
Hey, nicole! Great to see you here. Fringe benefit for you: where else can you find God?
Hey, kesmarn, and thank you!
LOL. I had no idea Adlib was so familiar with God. 😆
Have you not read God’s first blog here:
http://planetpov.com/2010/01/12/2009/12/21/gods-blog-12-21-09/
No, I hadn’t! Hilarious, Adlib!
“I mean, imagine if you had to know Ann Coulter
I saw this on God’s Facebook page:
Absolutely perfect. Sadly.
Dear God,
I pray you win the Debate 🙂
boomer
God sent me this reply to your comment:
…or dragon slayers… 😉
God, you and your son rule.
I mean, really.
Thanks for setting Pat straight. Now, in the on-deck circle: Dubya.
I can’t tell you how pissed off God was when Bush named himself “The Decider”.
All I’ll say is that He happily used the phrase, “Decide this!” before Obama was elected.
Oh God, just a reminder… Pat Lives In Virginia …
http://newsok.com/two-quakes-shake-oklahoma-county-one-is-strongest-in-12-years/article/3432283
Tiger,
When I first glanced at your post, I thought I read Viagra…
OK is a very religious and conservative state though.
Guess they made a deal with Satan too.
How else can you explain James Inhofe and Tom Coburn being their Senators?
If your criteria for sending Earthquakes to a State is based on their elected officials may I humbly point out you have 49 states to go… 😯
Hello God!
Here’s one of your good people telling Rush the way to make amends for his idiotic, hateful remarks.
(Of course, You’ve already seen it and inspired it, but maybe others haven’t seen a real man taking on a sulfur-scented-cretin-
I suppose it would be turning this into the same partisanship I was appalled by in the first place, but I particularly like the idea of shaming him into donating that much money to amend his comments.
We love Ferguson and tape his show every night and watch it the next day.
We just saw last night’s show this morning, so I went to youtube and VOILA!
Me too! (the taping I mean, unless I stay up to sing the theme song and then feel obligated to actually stay up and sleep at work the next day).
Hey God – can you make Craig like me more than Javaz? He’s MY boyfriend (watch out, Blov). I used to love Raul Malo, but I’ve always been such a twit for a Scotsman’s brogue.
And while you are at it, Big Guy – can you get rid of this totally NASTY tummy virus? I’m pretty sure it was not the nachos – I’ve always thought they are in and of themselves quite heavenly – but it’s the stomach bile of those that digest them that makes that scent. But You already know that, right? I’ve been under the weather (and near a trashcan) since Monday, and I’m tired of it.
In Pat’s name I curse, your humble servant AB.
AB,
I love, love, love Craig’s accent.
Sorry you’re under the weather. Feel better soon!
boomer
I definitely have a thing for the lassies. They can say “manila envelope stapled on a beige wall” and make it sound sexy.
Did you see my boyfriend Craig’s riff on “My, that’s a lovely banana!” and how – with that brogue – it just SOUNDED dirty????? I can’t look at bananas the same anymore. (Sorry, God.) and with the tummy virus….I’ve been swamped with bananas……
Thanks everyone for the kindness. It’s just a stupid virus. This, too, shall pass, right?
AlphaB, “this to shall pass” Pun intended? 🙂
I myself need to find the stand up he did talking about growing up in Scotland, it was hilarious.
As to adorableness, two Scots together for everyone:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4INSyvRGaVg
Laughter is really sometimes the best medicine – endorphins or sumfin’…
Bito, that would have fit my video down below – oh my – down I’m doing it!
Thanks, Boomer. I’ll compete with you as well for Craig. We’re a bunch of brogue-hos, I think!
AB, Hope you feel better! Sounds nasty.
Hey e’cat! I’ve missed you. When I get a tad stronger, I’ll send you a long email to catch up.
Good. Look forward to it! Get well.
Sorry to hear you’re ill! I just texted God to ask if he would help you feel better and he replied:
I am a big Craig Ferguson fan too!!! He was great on Drew Carey and the movie he co-wrote
” Saving Grace” is one of my all time favorites…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEX2mqdi-As
I do find it odd. That ball of gas says they made a pact with the Morning Star, the Fallen One, and so You are to blame for such OT gangstaness? Yea, wouldst it not be the Dark One that caused such inhuman destruction? Seems not to be the most Righteous testimonial for Thy mercy and love. I though Ye had been reformed and softened by your Son.
Perfect!
God asked me to pass along a reply to you:
Wonderful blog and a perfect way to respond to Robertson. Only one question, what is being done with the blowhard Rushbo?
Thanks Sue!
There is such a great thread on Rush here now, God would have been a bit intimidated to compete with that but I have an idea God will be dealing with Rush very soon.