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KarateKid On December - 13 - 2009

old soldierThe military, for a number of years, had a draft.  It was done away with in the 1970s and there has been an all voluntary military ever since.  I think it is time we go back and re-institute the draft, especially in light of our participation in two simlutaneous wars, and military personnel are becoming more scarce.

But here is where the military has gotten it wrong, for so many years.

I am a Vietnam Vet, am 61 years old, and the military thinks I’m too old to track down, and go after, terrorists.  The maximum age one can be to join the military is 42, and I’m 19 years too old.  But, I maintain that they have it ass backwards.

Instead of sending 18 year olds to fight , they ought to draft us old guys and make those of us who have already served re-up, and also get those guys who weaseled their way out of the Vietnam War the first time, this time.  Let’s not even draft anyone until he’s 35 years old.  Here is my thinking:

First of all, researchers say 18 year olds think about sex every 10 seconds or so.  We old timers only think about sex a couple of times a week, leaving us almost 30,000 more seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier.  There is much for the older guy to be grouchy about – achy back, knees and neck; trouble sleeping; always tired, etc.  Older guys are more impatient and maybe letting us kill some terrorist asshole will make us feel better and shut us up for a little while.

An 18 year old doesn’t like to get up before 11 a.m.  Old guys always get up early to take a piss, so since we’re up anyway, we might as well be up killing some fanatical religious zealots while we’re at it.

If we got captured, we would be reliable in not spilling the beans because we would forget where we put them.  Just remembering name, rank and serial number would be a real challenge for us.

Basic training, better known as boot camp, would be much easier for us old guys.  We’re used to getting cussed out and yelled at and we’re also used to eating soft food like C-rations.  Over the years, we’ve also developed an appreciation for guns.  We’ve been using them as excuses to get out of the house and away from the cursing and yelling.  They could go easier on the obstacle course, however.  In all my time in Vietnam, I never had to climb over a 20 foot wall with a rope hanging from it, nor did I do any pushups after a firefight.  Now that I think of it, running was kind of a waste of energy, too, for I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet or oncoming shrapnel.

An 18 year old has his whole life ahead of him; he’s still learning to shave, talk to a pretty girl, probably never had sex, and he still hasn’t figured out that the brim of a baseball cap is to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.  All these things are good reasons why we should keep them at home and let them learn a little more about life before sending them into harm’s way.  With us gone, they’ll have more access to horny cougars, too, and really learn how to do it right instead of fumbling around with an equally inexperienced girl.

So, let us old guys track down those dirty, cowardly, bastard terrorists.  The last thing they want to deal with is a bunch of pissed off old fogies with attitudes and automatic weapons who already know their best years are behind them and don’t have much more time to live anyway.

Finally, why not also draft women over 50, provided they are in menopause??  You think old men have attitudes?!?  Oh, my God !!  You can put them on guard duty, and we old farts might get a good night’s sleep, for a change.

45 Responses so far.

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  1. tb92 says:

    This is absolutely brilliant. I have an eighteen-year-old daughter, so I have some idea of what that age group is up to. They’re smart and determined, but they shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a war zone until they can keep their bedrooms clean! Let’s send people who not only know what they’re doing, but why they’re doing it. I think you’re really on to something.

  2. zizyphus says:

    I agree. I think old folks should be sent off, as they are meaner, and have less time left. Then Social Security would last longer, if we thinned out the ranks of the oldsters. In addition, the people we sent to Congress who vote for wars should be the first ones drafted.

  3. javaz says:

    Does anyone else think that the picture with this article looks like an older Karate Kid, or an older Cat Stevens?

    • nellie says:

      I can see Cat Stevens…

      • javaz says:

        I guess the Bush Admin in stopping Cat at the airport for his Muslim name, must have thought so, too.

        Whoa.

        So, the article is suggesting old hippies being drafted, and the hippies would now look like the Taliban?

        Whoa.

        My mind is freaked and reeling.

        Not a bad idea, actually, so I guess that leaves us menopausal women out.

        Damn.

  4. Chernynkaya says:

    KK-- you’ve outdone yourself! The problem is, what’ll we women of a certain age do without you old codgers? It’s hard enough to find a man once we get passed 40, and not all of us are MILFs or cougars!

    But here’s where you’re right on the money: Menopausal women. Damn, are we mean. You spoke of young men thinking of sex every 10 seconds (I thought it was every 20 seconds, but let’s not quibble.)Well, at my worst, I had a hot flash every 5 minutes--lasting 10 minutes. If the armed services needs women who want to shoot at anything in sight for short bursts of time, while running in a field stripping off all their clothes, they need look no further than us!

    • TanzaniteDiamonds says:

      I totally agree, Cher!

      Great article from KK. What an incredible sense of humor he has!

      I’m very anti-war, and I’ve always respected him for having served in Vietnam.

      But now, I adore him even more, for really knowing and understanding “menopausal” women.

      Please note that I would have responded sooner, but I was on “guard duty”, aka shopping Nordstrom’s “Shoe Sale”. No one was hurt, and everyone is happy, despite those annoying *hotflashes*, to and from the store.

      Thank you again, KK!

  5. SueInCa says:

    Hey KK, us women over 50 would also not take any excuses from the old guys. You see, we have been around the block a time or two and know them all. So……………if we wake you all up in the middle of the night and say it is time to go, you better believe you are going to be in a firefight. We don’t play around, we don’t have to anymore. Then again a little friendly fire with Cheney on the other end might serve our purpose as well. Years ago I might have felt bad about saying that about Cheney, but there have been too many dead bodies to care anymore.

  6. Suzanne525 says:

    Great story, KK! I needed a good laugh this morning, and you provided it. But there is much truth in your assessment of who should be fighting.

    I’m pissed off at enough things in life (hedge fund managers, insurance companies, Lieberman, etc.) that it might make me feel much better to go kick some deserving ass.

  7. PepeLepew says:

    Great post, KK.

    You and I have to have a debate night in July.

    Lance or Alberto.

    • KarateKid says:

      Good morning, Pepe. Yes, it should be an exciting one. You mentioned the powerful team Radio Shack is putting together but I have not seen any rosters yet. Alberto won’t have the help with Astana that he did this year except for the doper, Vinokourov. Can’t wait for July, it’s one of the premier events for us cyclists.

  8. whatsthatsound says:

    I’d say you’re on to something, and I think Robert Duvall, Bruce Willis, and Clint Eastwood should lead you guys into battle.

    I love the smell of Preparation H in the morning! It smells like…..victory!

  9. boomer1949 says:

    KK,

    What a hoot — no — absolutely no disrespect!

    Said it earlier, but will make a repeat. Albeit serious, it was also funny. I’m right there with all of us 50+ gals, who have reached the top of Mt. Everest, and are on the downhill trek.

    Doesn’t mean we are incapable of kicking a$$, believe it, just listening to our voices (in unison, although harmony would be more effective), would give cause for surrender.

    When you have a letter ready to present to the POTUS and the DOD, let me know. I’ll be the first to sign up. I’ve held a DOD Top Secret for 5 years…do I have an in? 🙂

  10. Hopeington says:

    Look it’s Mr Natural ala 2009!!

    Agree with Kesmarn,love the new photo. The visual really brings this story together.

  11. kesmarn says:

    Just when I thought this article couldn’t get any funnier, you had to go and change the graphic.

  12. VegasBabe says:

    Ok, THIS was funeeeee especially about us ah…err… menopausal women? heheeeee…..at first I thought this was a serious piece and was about to go postal. That happens when you have one son in this life who would be draft eligible.

    Yeah, about 50 of us menopausal women should do it. We’d have that placed cleaned up lickity friggin split! AND take no prisoners!! hahahahahahahaaaa

  13. boomer1949 says:

    George Carlin on War:


  14. boomer1949 says:

    KK,

    Absolutely spot on. If you write a Class Action Letter to Congress, I’ll right there with you to sign it. 😉

  15. AlphaBitch says:

    TOO funny! I once heard that all it would take to win (at least in Afghanistan) is 10 chihuahuas off a leash. Have to use small dogs so they can’t shoot at ’em. HEY! How about a menopausal pocket pooch brigade????????

    Thanks for the break today!

  16. Hopeington says:

    Good day KarateK, very funny for such a serious topic, my first thought though was that, while it is more than unfortunate, that our soldiers are deploying again and again, more soldiers would allow for more and longer wars. But dang, if it didn’t make some kind of crazy sense. It was a good read.
    And I left a little message for you late last night. I’d seen a message you left for LTTL about this place and I wanted to thank you, also, ….
    you’re 61? How funny, I had you pegged for 30 something, should have known, Guess I mistook your cantankerousness for for feisty-ness.:)

  17. FrankenPC says:

    Richard Pryor would argue that we need to send in an army of rednecks. There’s only one thing the terrorists are truly afraid of, and that’s rednecks.

    “Come on fellas, we’re going over there to clean their clocks.”

  18. escribacat says:

    LOL. Hilarious.

    You know why they don’t want you old farts, though, don’t you? You aren’t dumb enough to mindlessly follow orders.

    • javaz says:

      That’s true.
      Speaking from personal experience, if I had been drafted during menopause, I would have made the CO from boot camp wish they’d never been born and bring him to tears.
      (is CO the correct term)
      Oh my gosh, could you imagine a group of menopausal women taking orders from anyone?
      🙂

      (oh great, I noticed the menopause thing shows up on the main page!)

      • Hopeington says:

        Yep javaz, Been there, done that…that’s probably why we’re mentioning it, it’s part of our life’s experience.
        We are our own brand of torture. They’d be begging to shut us up!!!

  19. nellie says:

    This one should go viral. Kudos, KK!

  20. javaz says:

    Thanks for the laugh, KK.

    Seriously, there has been a lot of talk from Democrats and/or progressives about bringing back the draft.
    I do understand the reasoning behind it, but if you want to see a political bloodbath, that would do it.

    Republicans would regain full control in a heartbeat, and Democrats would be lucky to win an election until the draft was repealed, again, say in 50 to 100 years.

    Of course, the Republicans would love nothing better than to see a draft reinstated, as long as the ‘Fortunate Sons and Daughters’ were exempt.
    But increasing the military would benefit them and their desire for pre-emptive war against Iran for starters and then Pakistan, and yes, let’s not forget N. Korea.

    Bill Kristol, just today, interpreted President Obama’s Nobel Peace prize speech to say that even Obama believes in PNAC.

    http://thinkprogress.org/2009/12/13/kristol-obama-nobel-ira/

  21. kesmarn says:

    OMG! What can I say but: brilliant!

    Anyone who has a prescription for Viagra or Premarin and/or is on Medicare is classified fit and ready to serve. Couldn’t be simpler.


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