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AdLib On December - 12 - 2013
fly naked

Courtesy of The Joy of Tech by Nitrozac & Snaggy http://thejoyoftech.com

On the heels of launching new anti-privacy rules at their online news site, The Huffington Post, AOL announced today that it will buy Delta Airlines for a reported $5 billion dollars and will set a progressive new standard for air travel. To exemplify their progressive thinking, AOL Chairman and CEO Tim Case announced that all passengers will be required to fly naked.

“It is our goal to maintain a civil environment for air travel, ” stated Case who was fully dressed in an expensive Brooks Brothers suit, “and we believe that by mandating that all travelers fully expose themselves, we will be providing an atmosphere of humility and vulnerability that will naturally translate into a more civil and entertaining experience, especially for our management staff.”

Case detailed how mandatory nudity for travelers who fly their airline will be very much to their benefit.

“There are bad people out there who are willing to use our airlines as national platforms to promote their hatred. The expense of paying for sufficient staff to provide the required security and screening is, frankly, money that could be going into our pockets as profits. So, putting our customers first, we devised this policy to save us money and manpower and allow us to see everything about our customers before they can even step onto our planes,” Case said. “Having this degree of control over our passengers will give them a freedom like they’ve never had before.”

Required nudity on their airline would yield many benefits for passengers, according to Case.

“Going through security screening will be a breeze, there will be no pockets to empty and no shoes or belts to take off. Passengers will no longer need to worry that the person sitting next to them on a plane may have a bomb strapped to them. If they spill a drink or food on themselves during the flight, their clothes won’t be stained and they can clean up good as new with just a towelette. And it will be a real conversation starter on those long flights.”

In response to questions about how fliers would feel about this new intrusive requirement, Case replied, “At AOL, we have a wide open and wide ranging executive meeting each week in an architecturally unique, glass domed conference room we built specifically for that purpose. We call it The Bubble. We’re always in the Bubble and when we asked each other how our customers would feel about this new policy, we all agreed that they would love it. Which works out exceptionally well for us because it was originally conceived just to make our lives easier. There was no need for marketing research, we know all we need to know thanks to the time we spend in The Bubble.”

Traveling nude does present some challenges which Case addressed. “Naturally, our travelers won’t be able to carry their ticket or ID in their pockets so to support this far more civil way of flying, at check in we will apply tattoos on our passengers’ bodies that display all their personal information, their names, addresses, phone numbers and ticketing information so that they can easily be completely identifiable by our staff. We see absolutely no downside for passengers to have their personal identity displayed publicly, especially women and children. Props again to The Bubble!”

Case expressed unbridled enthusiasm about the way they are reshaping the airline industry. “We are thrilled to be able to offer this revolution in air travel. By treating all of our customers as probable terrorists, we prevent any of them from acting like terrorists which leads to a more civil environment for all. And this allows us to slash our staff and work hours that would have been required to treat everyone as an individual. And as a corporation, that’s a win-win for us!”

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AOL To Buy Delta Airlines: Will Require All Passengers to Fly Naked, 10.0 out of 10 based on 10 ratings

Written by AdLib

My motto is, "It is better to have blogged and lost hours of your day, than never to have blogged at all."

62 Responses so far.

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  1. Quick Brown Dog says:

    Hi AdLib. Great article. “The Onion” envies you for that level of LULZ :)

    Quick question, though: is Tim Case the son of longtime AOL CEO Steve Case, or is that a typo (intentionally?) mixing current CEO Tim Armstrong with Steve Case?

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_Armstrong_%28executive%29

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steve_Case

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  2. Wishing that we true… we’d fly Delta from now on!

    My wife and I don’t just fight for freedom — we *use* it. :)

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  3. McKMN says:

    Today, very behind the times, I quit HP (and FB) after trying to leave a comment. I won’t lie, I was going to miss HP….atleast the HP I joined in 2010 and up to the new format.
    I needed to find a site to replace it. So, I googled “REALLY HP, connect to FB, REALLY…you (BLEEPED) up” sans bleep. Your “Huffpo/NSA” article was on top. It hooked me and I signed up.
    After registering I found this article….and now, AdLib, I’m positive I made the right choice. Huffpo who?

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    • AdLib says:

      McKMN, no such thing as being too late to find something better.

      Thanks for filling me in on how you found us, very cool and interesting that our article popped up first on your search.

      The right place and the right time, I think you’re right all around.

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  4. cal haughtly says:

    My HP moderator badge allows me to select one article of clothing…I’m picking a hat.

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  5. Allymax says:

    AdLib -- you forgot to mention that Delta’s frequent fliers would be grandfathered in and permitted to wear clothes -- oh wait, AOL has reevaluated that clause and members of the public who don’t like the new requirement can fly elsewhere.

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    • AdLib says:

      Hey Allymax, welcome to The Planet!

      And you’re right, I left that part out and that as you’re boarding, you will be suddenly ordered to fly as cargo instead of riding in the seat they promised you.

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      • Allymax says:

        Thanks, AdLib for your welcome -- enjoy your articles (or has that word been retired in favor of posts?) HP will survive our exodus and most of us will never look back. Still finding my way on Planet and it’s good to know some writers out there were paying attention to how sneaky HP rammed through its new sign in procedure. Am surprised we weren’t asked for our social security numbers.

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    • Summertown says:

      And fly we did, just not on Delta.

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  6. Counterglow says:

    I’m sensing that there may be one or two Huffington Post refugees sheltering here. :-)

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  7. IBWatching says:

    Brilliant satire, AdLib.

    And as always in satire, we find the real truth.

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    • AdLib says:

      Thanks so much, IBWatching and welcome to The Planet!

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      • IBWatching says:

        Thanks, AdLib.

        Just had two seemingly innocent posts about the NSA and Snowden deleted from HP.

        I am trying to be nice and civil in my comments, but the more they push my buttons…

        Deleting my accounts at both FB and HP won’t be hard at all.

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        • Quick Brown Dog says:

          If you’re wondering how to do so with FB, just follow the instructions at:

          deleteyouraccount.com/sites/facebook

          Make sure to stay logged out for at minimum two weeks. That includes “social logins” or comment systems (like at HP and Salon) that use the Facebook Login API.

          Also, when you go to delete your PuffHo account, if it’s “linked” to some other social provider (like AOL or Yahoo or Twitter, etc.) make sure to click “Unlink my account” first, before deleting your account there. You’ll be auto-logged out; just log back in (recommended to close and reopen your browser and/or clear cookies) and then delete your account with Puffnstuff once and for all.

          Word to the wise: you might have to click “Yes” several times in the dialogue that pops up “Are you sure you want to delete this account?” Seems they really want to get their claws in you and grab your leg hoping you won’t go. It gets annoying, and it may seem like your clicks are in vain, but trust me: eventually it will work. I had to close out the dialogue popup no less than eight times before my account was deleted.

          Good luck to you, and welcome to PlanetPOV. :)

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        • AdLib says:

          Very interesting and disappointing at the same time, IBWatching.

          One would have assumed that they would be far more liberal with allowing comments after purging so many members from their site with this policy.

          And I thought their whole excuse for the FB link was that trolls would be posting less attacks and they wouldn’t need to moderate as much.

          Hmm…as some have suggested, there sure seems to be a much different agenda at work here then what is being represented.

          More misrepresentation and dishonesty from a site that has been using a great deal of both lately?

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    • Ruby Tuesday says:

      Oh IB you’re here, how nice. I did not want to keep my HP name and could not find how to upload a picture!

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      • IBWatching says:

        By the way…

        To upload an avatar image you must register and do it through https://en.gravatar.com .

        Your avatar will then follow you around to other sites that use their system.

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        • Ruby Tuesday says:

          Thank you IB!HP is incredibly empty!Comments at the lowest low. They banned me for 72 hours, I guess due to my support to the petition…

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          • Quick Brown Dog says:

            Hi RT :) If/when you do decide to leave, you’ll be more than welcome in the exodus — and because that exodus is growing, eventually Huffnpuff will have some regretful sentiments following your departure…

            youtube.com/watch?v=eYx_NfnoHL8

            “Sure I’m gonna miss you, too…”

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            • Ruby Tuesday says:

              Thank you Quick Brown Dog! :) I’ve been searching here and there, feeling a bit homeless actually. According to Forrest Grump HP already lost 5 million commenters!

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          • Hi there!

            You don’t need HP. It’s hard to “get liberal views out there” in such an atmosphere of censorship and HP’s *infantile* inability to take criticism.

            I had no trouble making a clean breakaway.

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            • Ruby Tuesday says:

              Thank you opposition. Yes, the atmosphere is the worst possible. The rate of perfectly correct comments censored is absurd, one practically cannot speak, at least about certain subjects (HP). Still,I have trouble making a clean breakaway. I’m so used to HP, it’s …inexplicable! But I’m very glad we’re meeting here, so many of us! Without having to walk on eggshells!

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          • AdLib says:

            Hey Ruby Tuesday, welcome to The Planet.

            Really, HP banned you for exercising free speech and signing a petition?

            Man, they’ve just giving up trying to hide their true colors.

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            • Ruby Tuesday says:

              It’s getting tougher to remain there, even when you follow the rules. I’m struggling to understand their reasons to my temporary ban…

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      • IBWatching says:

        Hi Ruby.

        I’m here…

        But I also kept my account at HP.

        As much as I despise their lying ways, I feel I need to keep fighting for liberal views, and unfortunately HP still has, and always will have, the readership to make those views better known.

        So I bit the bullet and verified through FB.

        However, it is a ghost town over there right now.

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        • Ruby Tuesday says:

          Yes, I’ve been to HuffghostownPost today! I can’t leave either, too attached. Unless they decide to kick me out of course. I had not made one impolite comment and they put me on time out!

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          • Fergie1 says:

            Hi Ruby, I closed my account at HP two days ago and it feels great. No withdrawal symptoms whatsoever. It fact it was liberating. A Time Out? That sounds very juvenile. I was finding the articles less and less interesting anyway and the shallow comments by so many just bored me.

            Nice to see you here at Planet POV. Great people and supportive. The trolls at HP were beyond dealing with for my taste. I gave it the good fight early on but too many people with a small view of the world were depressing!

            Anyway, welcome!

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            • Ruby Tuesday says:

              Thanks Fergie! :) I’m glad to be here! But I still miss the old home. Maybe one just has to grow fonder of new design and people, demands time…

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  8. jjgravitas says:

    A clear case of “Be careful what you wish for.”

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    • AdLib says:

      jj, I sure don’t wish for this but if we have another attempted airline bombing using clothes, this might be reality anyway.

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      • jjgravitas says:

        Perhaps they should develop working x-ray specs for the airline staff. We’re pretty close to it now with the full body scans. It could turn into a big scandal and Congress could get all puffed up and demand an inquiry into the airline’s intrusion into our privacy.

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  9. Fergie1 says:

    As an ex-airline employee for one of the big boys, this was doubly hilarious Ad. And need I mention clever, clever, clever analogies had me laughing all the way through. Sadly most airlines today do operate in The Bubble -- not like the good old days. And so goes AH and HP.

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  10. pinkpantheroz says:

    I see one minor, insignificant problem with the nakedness of everybody. How do you know if it is a real flight attendant telling you to bend over and assume the position? Oh, yes, I forgot that staff and frequent flyers can clothe themselves anyway they want, because they have dispensation, except of course for the older loyal clients!

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  11. Kalima says:

    Good job that I don’t live there and prefer trains. Eewww!!

    Thanks for my morning laugh again, AdLib. Hilarious!!

    Ok, off to throw out the trash, anything to throw out apart from the TP and the majority of the GOP, my bin isn’t big enough for all of those crazy buggers.

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    • AdLib says:

      Kalima, I think the worst part of the trip would be waiting around naked in baggage claim and watching people awkwardly hauling their suitcases off of the luggage carousels. And I don’t want to even think of getting trapped in a middle seat between two overweight men.

      But, if AOL thinks its okay, who am I to think for myself and fly on another airline?

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      • DobermanMom2 says:

        Well, at least their bellies will be covering Mr. Peabody.

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      • Kalima says:

        As far as I can tell, “thinking for yourself” is already banned in the red states so as not to embarrass the governors and the rest of the RW lawmakers who unfortunately don’t know how to think. It was only a matter of time before it caught on.

        Let’s say that if forced to fly naked in the future, the airline should clamp down on serving any food or fizzy drinks inflight, and at least 3 hours before takeoff. :shock: I’m beginning to feel quite ill here thinking about beans, cabbage, onions and beer. They will need a “No “you know what” section.

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  12. mugwump says:

    I found your HP NSA article on the internet two days ago; now this amazing satire “AOL To Buy Delta Airlines.” I have reached the tipping point and registered as another HP refugee. Nice work!!

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  13. funksands says:

    Ad, I heard the Planet is going to force us to register with Hickory Farms and Gridr before we are allowed to comment. Care to comment?

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  14. Algebra Palin says:

    i no longer like the word ‘civil’ and its variations.

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