Presumptive Democratic Presidential Nominee, Joe Biden, announced today that he has chosen Senator Kamala Harris to run with him as his Vice Presidential running mate. The overwhelmingly positive response to this decision shook Donald Trump sufficiently enough to move him into discussions with his black female supporters, Diamond and Silk, to replace Mike Pence on his 2020 ticket.
Worried about his poor standing in the polls and concerned that Harris will bring greater enthusiasm and appeal to the Democratic ticket, Trump reportedly told campaign aides that he needs “his Sarah Palin” to shake up the race in his favor.
Aides explained the downsides of dropping Pence including his close relationship with white evangelical supporters that are at the core of Trump’s base. Trump countered, “Where are they gonna go? To Sleepy Joe and Caramel Harris? They’ll stay with me, to them I’m more popular than Jesus. And no one’s ever said that before!”
It was stressed by Trump that they must quickly take back the focus of the media from Biden and Harris. He insisted that they need a “big season finale twist”, using familiar TV rhetoric he often uses to describe being president as “the show”. In his view, jettisoning Pence and bringing on a black woman in his place would steal Biden’s “ratings”.
Trump was quoted as saying, “They keep calling me a racist and anti-woman, a “show-violinist”, whatever that is. But what are they going to say when I have two black women as my VP? Twice as many as Biden! That should shut up all those nasty women and blacks out there.”
A complete list of women of color who support his presidency was handed to Trump on a small Post-It note. He nodded at Candace Owens’ name then at Nikki Haley’s but when he looked at the two remaining names, Diamond and Silk, he crumbled up the Post-It note and declared that he knew who he wanted to be his VP. “I want them! The two on the paper…uh…Step and Fetchit!” Aides corrected him on their names then pointed out that according to the Constitution, he could only choose one of them to be his VP and Trump then kept repeating “The Constitution says?”, laughing uncontrollably for several minutes.
It is anticipated that Trump will make this surprising announcement moments before Joe Biden and Kamala Harris hold their joint rally tomorrow to celebrate their ticket. “I’ll pull the rug right out from under them! The looks on their faces tomorrow will be so hilarious! And when we do our announcement, maybe at an old confederate plantation, they’ll have nothing to say because they won’t be able to call me racist,” Trump gloated while doodling a swastika on a legal pad.
Trump instructed his aides to always have Diamond and Silk wear name tags whenever they’re around him. “The downside in having black running mates to prove you’re not racist is having to tell them apart,” Trump nodded earnestly.