Trump’s New Plan: Pardon Convicted Murderers And Make Them Teachers

Eschewing the pleas from a majority of students, parents and teachers for gun control and in his continuation of aligning himself instead with the NRA, Donald Trump has announced a new plan to pardon felons convicted of murder and install them as teachers in every public school in America.

“The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun, is a worse guy with a gun,” Trump read off a small slip of paper that included the item, “Pretend to care” at the bottom. “So I am announcing my new program to protect our kids, which I call, ‘Deploy Existing Murderers as New Teachers for an Excellent Defense’, or ‘DEMENTED’. I will pardon the worst of the worst, the scariest, most psycho killers in our prisons and by threatening to hold back our federal education funds, force schools to replace their existing gun-less teachers with armed ruthless murderers. Knowing this, that schools are filled with armed homicidal maniacs, how many crazy shooters are going to want to come to a school to kill students?” Trump grinned, tapping a finger to his head then nodding, “Trump smart!”

“More guns in schools will make schools safer just as more termites in a house make a house stronger and more collusion with Russia makes people more American,” Trump oddly stated into a flower pot given to him by Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak.

Trump’s new plan is actually based on an NRA proposal to make convicted murderers teachers and permit them to simultaneously be Sales Associates for gun manufacturers on school campuses. Gun industry executives explain that this will create safer schools and a “pro-capitalist cycle of commerce” that will be good for business in the gun industry, hospitals and the mortuary industry whose increased profits will trickle down to an increasing number of people who survive gun violence.

“The best way to fight fire is with fire,” NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre explained while opening a can of Coke with a gunshot. “So we are also advocating that fire departments around the country replace the water hoses on their firetrucks with flamethrowers.”

LaPierre then used both hands to try and mold his face like it was clay, in a futile effort to show a look of concern.

“Schools should not be places where innocent students and teachers are shot down,” LaPierre said, appearing sexually aroused. “They should be places where justifiable killings are regularly committed by murderous teachers. I think we can all agree on that…and if not, we have another proposal to bring back duels.”