REPUBLICANS CLAIM INQUISITION WAS NOT TORTURE
December 11, 1836
A damning report was released today by a committee formed by regent Maria Christina of The Two Sicilies, that revealed the extent of torture that had been conducted during The Spanish Inquisition.
The revelations were immediately met by protests and repudiations by Republicans who argued that the information in the report was faulty, claiming that there was no torture but just “enhanced inquisitional procedures” and that they yielded actionable information in any case that justified their use.
Future Vice President of the United States, Dick Cheney, called upon his years of service as a diplomat to call the report “full of crap” and proclaimed that the actions that took place under the Inquisition protected Spain.
“You have to remember, this was a time when Christianity in Spain was under terrorist threat by Muslim extremists, the steps that were taken were the right ones to protect Spain from having the first 9/11. It didn’t happen to them which is a testimony to the effectiveness of this program,” Cheney squawked.
When reminded that Jews were also persecuted during the Inquisition, Cheney argued, “Enhanced Inquisition was only used to help Jews voluntarily convert to Christianity, which they usually and happily did soon after their inquisition started so the amount of inquisition was negligible.”
House Republican member, Peter King of New York, completely rejected the characterization of the Inquisition as torture. “The Inquisition was forbidden from permanently harming or drawing blood so how could anything they did be called torture? So some Muslims or Jews were tied up a little and suspended from the ceiling with their hands tied behind their backs, you can buy something today at Brookstone that does pretty much the same thing. Are you trying to say that Brookstone is torturing people?”
King went on to defend these practices by saying, “Some less informed people are also complaining about the procedure called The Toca, where a cloth was put into the mouth of the prisoner being questioned and water was poured from a jar into it to give them the experience of drowning. Americans in the future might look at such a procedure as too horrible and medieval to be acceptable but pouring a little water on a Muslim to protect a nation is a small price to pay.”
When confronted with the report’s conclusion that the confessions that were obtained through The Inquisition were typically unreliable and didn’t produce any actionable intelligence against Satan, King laid on the ground and remarkably bent both of his legs back behind his head before replying, “I think my position is clear with the public.”