Despite Russian President Vladimir Putin’s claims denying it, photographic proof was revealed today that confirmed that Russian military and intelligence men have been masquerading as Ukrainians while leading rebellion in eastern Ukraine. This has prompted an angry response from Putin who is now massing troops on the border of Reality and threatening to annex it.
“Reality poses a threat to Russia and its future so purely as a matter of self-defense, I have ordered Russian troops to move to the border of Reality and stand ready to use force to defend our country,” Putin declared. “I don’t understand why anyone would live there, you would never find me living in Reality!”
Putin launched into a history of Russia’s conflicts with Reality and noted that they have multiplied since he originally took office, blaming Reality for trying to undermine his Presidency inside Russia and around the world. “When I hosted the Olympics, Reality attempted an invasion using our official policy of homophobia as cover! Reality was behind the overthrow of Ukraine President Viktor Yanukovych which Russia regards as a hostile action towards Russia so we have no reservations about preparing to invade Reality,” Putin explained.
Putin went on to say that he has always regarded Reality as an adversary to his Presidency and has always done his best to avoid any confrontation with it. “Suffice it to say that I would never allow Reality to gain a foothold anywhere near our booming economy, our respect for the rights of each and every Russian and our reverence for democracy! It should be self-apparent from everything I say and do, from my efforts to only protect Russians living in Ukraine to my denials of involvement with internal conflicts in Ukraine, that I stand in complete opposition to Reality and will not tolerate any outside influence by it in my Presidency or country.”
Putin wrapped his comments by commenting on how handsome he looks when shirtless and how respected and trusted he is in the world community.