BREAKING: Romney Announces Support for Corporations to Marry

In the high stakes game of Presidential one-upmanship, Mitt Romney has responded to President Obama’s support of gay marriage by declaring that he supports the right of corporations to marry.

“Corporations are people, my friend. White people with nice hair and attractive shoes. They can propagate and multiply just as people do and as any businessperson can attest, they can screw multiple partners,” Romney explained. “Why should they be denied the same ability to get divorced and be paid alimony that other people have?”

Announcing his position at the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, Romney went on to explain that gun manufacturing corporations should be allowed to have shotgun weddings, the energy industry deserves to have a nuclear family if they so choose and competing corporations should have the moral right to get into bed with each other.

When asked about Same State Corporation Marriage, Romney stated that he opposes it. “I believe in the absolute commitment to the ideals that marriage represents but depending upon what’s reflected in the latest polls, I can be flexible on that,” Romney smiled.

Romney also announced a new internet business he is launching that will be an online dating service for single corporations to meet other single corporations, with marriage in mind, called, “eHaromney”.

Dismissing the protests against corporate marriage as “fear mongering” and “prejudiced”, Romney stated that it doesn’t weaken the institution of marriage to open it up to corporations, it strengthens it.

“When you have corporations investing themselves in marriage, it affirms marriage…even if they sell short down the line and cause it to crash,” Romney added. “Marriage should not be dictated by politicians who decide who should or shouldn’t be married…if you’re straight of course…marriage should be dictated by the free market. I am a firm believer in supply side marriage, meaning that the more marriages wealthy people and corporations have, the more marriages will trickle down to the majority of Americans. We can’t afford to have a marriage deficit in this country and thanks to Obama and his regulations, we have less marriages in this nation than we should. Every time you look at the bill for your or your children’s weddings, remember who’s responsible for it being so high…Barack Obama. If we allowed corporations to provide more marriages in this country, prices would go down and we’d have more domestic, domestic security.”

Romney chuckled about having a crush on Exxon when he was a teenager and said that he can understand what corporations and those who love them are going through when they’re denied the right to marry.

“There were times in my youth when I wished so hard that I could marry who I really loved but society wouldn’t let me. I remember being taunted by lesser children, ‘If you love money so much, why don’t you marry it?’ I wish I could have and I know many like me wish they could today. Well, we may not be there yet but we are in a time where the highest court in the land has declared that corporations are people and all people…who don’t like Broadway showtunes that is…should have the right to marry in this country.”

Though he wants to return the focus of his campaign back to the economy, this is a cause Romney vows to continue to pursue.

“I’ll take credit for freeing the slaves and winning World War II but taking credit for corporations being able to marry will be the most satisfying of my preposterous claims to date,” declared Romney.