The GOP Cheat Sheet for Dissing Good News

By now it has become crystal clear that to Republicans, no news is good news. It doesn’t matter whether Osama Bin Laden is killed, the economy is recovering from the worst recession in recent history or diet donuts have been invented that actually reduce your cholesterol and make you lose weight, the GOP is bent (in many ways) on spinning every bit of good news that comes into something terrible.

As the Party of Nope and Deranged, the GOP has come to realize that there is no way enough people will vote for their party based upon their policies that only address the desires and needs of the top 1% and religious fanatics. So, their only path to power is by piling as much manure on top of President Obama and Democrats as possible and counting on people being so offended by the stench that they stumble away and blindly tumble into the sewer known as the modern GOP.

In order for this cynical plan to work, the GOP must respond to any and all positive news like they were cantankerous old people (which many Republicans naturally are anyway) but instead of replying to, “Hey Grandpa, I pitched for my Little League team for the first time!” with “Keep it up and you’ll suffer the rest of your life in excruciating pain from your rotator cuff!”, the GOP comes up with various ways to describe great things as Roves in the punchbowl.

So, since we are always seeking ways to offer olive branches to the other side in hopes of bringing everyone together, we have worked up a list of issues and responses that Republicans can use at a moment’s notice if a particular piece of good news rears its pleasant head in the future.

LIST OF REPUBLICAN RESPONSES TO GOOD NEWS

1. If unemployment continues dropping and GDP and other economic indicators rise:

GOP: “Now the elitists in the Democratic Party including President Obama are trying to use numbers and math to convince Americans that things are getting better in this country. Math may be their God but we believe in the one true God and we object to this continuing attack on religion! We don’t need math or numbers to know what’s happening in our economy! We have our guts to tell us and Rush Limbaugh! The more these numbers rise, the more Big Arithmetic is taking away our freedoms!”

2. If President Obama achieves a foreign policy success in North Korea, Iran, Israel, etc.

GOP: “Reducing political tensions is playing into the hands of Al Qaeda and all of those who want to harm us. The less threats and wars we have, the less we’ll spend on protecting ourselves. Military equipment manufacturers will be paid less and less and eventually  shrivel and die, leaving America helpless and vulnerable thanks to “peace”. Then you know who’ll be free to invade and take over America? Al Qaeda, communists, socialists, Russians, Taliban, Gypsies, Cubans, Slytherins, Morlocks, yodelers, mimes and many others who hate America!”

3. If a cure for cancer, Alzheimer’s or another devastating disease is discovered thanks to federal funding of science and medicine:

GOP: At a time when unemployment is so high in this nation, thanks to our government, the need for doctors and nurses will now drop and hundreds of thousands if not millions of them will lose their jobs. Those having their Alzheimer’s cured are forgetting about the salaries of many job creators and little people in the pharmaceutical and medical industry that their conditions have been paying for! Our President wants us to be selfish and only care about ourselves and our health instead of the health of our economy. Sick is good! Good for business and good for America! Health care is thumbing our nose at God’s great plan for the uninsured. If He wanted everyone in America to be healthy, why are there so many Arby’s around?”

4. If President Obama makes a powerful and inspiring speech about the rights of minorities, women or some other issue addressing fairness in our society:

GOP: “Once again, President Obama is trying to divide Americans and turn us against each other. Under the guise of “fairness” Obama wants to sow dissent in the majority of Americans who happily celebrate millionaires and billionaires getting richer because they know that one day, the 99% will become the 1% . It’s simple math and you can’t argue with math…forget what we said about it before, we changed our minds because now it helps us make our point! Obama insists Latinos should be treated as equals even though they’re happiest when they’re treated as servants…if they weren’t, why do they smile so much when you speak English to them? And there is no War on Women. If there was, they’re so inferior to men, they wouldn’t stand a chance of winning and the war would be over before it started. Women are as loved by Republican men as their family dogs and are given a long leash to explore around within reason. Women see a leash as a bond between them and the men they serve, why Obama would have anything against bondage is beyond us.”

5. If the Affordable Care Act is confirmed to save taxpayers a great deal of money and insure tens of millions of Americans who were uninsured:

GOP: It’s no surprise that Democrats are celebrating Obamacare starving insurance companies from the kind of profits they used to make. Obama hates American business, he hates job creators and those who used hard work and the free enterprise to inherit their fortunes and positions of power. Health insurance is not a right, it’s a hot dog dangling on a string that should be able to be yanked out of reach when people are selfish enough to try and grab it and greedily harm insurance company profits. We believe in the free market and in the free market, nothing is free. Except corporate bailouts. Anyway, if the uninsured wanted to be insured, all they’d have to do is get insured in the past when they were healthy and in their 20’s. If they’re too lazy to go back and do that one simple thing, why should insurance companies be forced to help them? As Ayn Rand once said, “I made how much on royalties? Sweet! Everyone else can kiss my Objectivist ass from now on!” Now that is the character of free enterprise and America that this country was founded on and that we believe in.

There will no doubt be many more alarming incidents of “good news”, thoughtlessly intruding on the Republican campaign this year, we can only hope that our modest offerings herein help the GOP to find political black mold in the pot of gold at the end of every rainbow.