The Republican Party of the Future

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Back in the golden era of the Bush Presidency, we were outraged by the Republican propaganda campaign to drag us to war in Iraq, oil companies collaborating with Cheney on drafting US energy policy, Halliburton given no-bid sweetheart deals to rip off the American Taxpayer, science being ignored and Republicans in Congress trying to take over a family’s decision on allowing a woman in a vegetative state to die with dignity.

Ah yes, those were the days. Back then, many folks probably thought confidently, “Well at least it can’t get worse,” which ironically, Republicans see only as a challenge.

As we all know now, in the sewer that is the Republican party, there’s always a “deeper” level of slime.

Today, high profile members of the Republican Party publicly call women “sluts” for participating in our democracy as men do, Republican judges send racist emails around saying the President’s mother had sex with a dog, women’s rights to their own life and body are an attack on religion, college is Satan’s workshop, people without health insurance should be left out on the sidewalk in front of a hospital to die, the list of extremist hatred and angry delusions go on and on.

At least it can’t get worse, right?

Well…imagine what a Republican caucus in Congress might come up with in five or ten years…

  • The Women’s Total Freedom Act (WTF): In order to protect the total freedom of the unborn woman, no person, male or female, shall be permitted to use birth control or abortion to infringe on the freedom of the unborn woman. Once married, women shall have the freedom of their feet and toes being fully protected from the restrictions of shoes and women shall be mandated to be free from an unpregnant state at all times.
  • The Benevolent Initiative to Generate Overt Tolerance (BIGOT): To foster greater tolerance between Americans, all Americans will be required to abide by the same set of religious and racial prejudices. In this way, Americans of all races, religions and creeds can come together in their hatred of anyone who isn’t white or believes in any other religion other than extremist fundamentalist Christianity. If an American is non-white or has different religious beliefs but recognizes that as being inferior, they will be given a federally issued gun and bible to clutch in each hand at all times so they aren’t mistaken as anti-American.
  • The Shared Tax and Economic Advancement Legislation (STEAL): In pursuit of expanding job growth and income potential for 99% of Americans, they will pay all income taxes from now on. All of those wealthy enough to be in the top 1% will not have to pay any taxes on income, capital gains, inheritances, drug deals, money laundering, bribing of public officials domestically and internationally, payoffs to keep secret love children secret, male prostitutes, pyramid schemes, sexually exploiting pandas or buying politicians. From now on, under penalty of Defamation of Character, the top 1% shall be referred to in all cases either as “Job Creators” or “My Lord”.
  • The Intellectual Determination and Just Independent Thought Act (IDJIT): Federal funding of education will now authorize school districts and parents to substitute classes in science for studying the blowing out of birthday candles making wishes come true as fact-based. To thwart the snobbery of insisting that every child have more than a high school diploma, all universities, community colleges and trade schools that take federal money will be transformed into shopping malls which will both provide low paid retail careers for high school grads and convenience for all their pretzel-buying needs.
  • The Require Identification Guidelines Act (RIG): As a way of ensuring fair elections and preventing voter fraud, upon entry to a polling place, all American voters will first be asked which party they are voting for. If they respond that they are voting for a Republican, they will be handed a tropical drink, led to a special VIP area with a sumptuous all-you-can-eat buffet which includes lobster and handed two ballots so that if they make a mistake, they will be able to quickly correct it and submit their ballot(s). If they instead respond that they are voting for Democrats, they must provide two valid forms of identification, a blood and urine sample, certification from local law enforcement and the FBI that they are not wanted in connection with a crime, name the capitols of all 50 states, juggle three live porcupines, sing all the words without error to “Blinded By the Light”, eat 50 hot dogs in two minutes, perform a triple Lutz and Sow Cow and lift a Smart car over their head while Riverdancing. Upon completing these verification steps they will be given a ballot pre-marked with votes for Republicans and kicked in the balls/crotch.

You can’t lose by overestimating how low the GOP can go so you might want to think about voting in November…to prevent the RIG act from being passed.

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SueInCaAdLibMurphTheSurf3KQµårk 死神 Recent comment authors
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SueInCa
Member

Republicans sure like to go back to the Future. I guess they think that Dixiecrats did such a good job of disenfranchising voters they would take a play out of their book. It is just so sad that we have bred these type of people in this country.

Democracy is a sacred ideal but you have to take the bad with the good and Republicans are the worst a human can be and not be in prison.

MurphTheSurf3
Editor

I think that I saw R.I.G. in he ALEC legislative priorities list for 2012. One thing is for sure if RIG becomes law, our sort-of democracy is RIP.

Very clever. These kind of parodies, satires take SO much work. Chuckles followed by frowns. What if………..indeed.

KQµårk 死神
Member

😆 WTF is my favorite because it shows the Orwellian part of GOP speak as well. Excellent parody AdLib but don’t give them any ideas. They actually would want to pass this legislation.

Along those lines, the real GOP would create the 😮 MG (Office of Managed Government) commission too that would close down the FDA, EPA, DOE etc… and end every regulation.

Republicans see Bush as a total sell out of conservative principles. Sure they were total hypocrites and signed on the dotted line with every Bush action that ballooned the deficit from the tax cuts, the unfunded wars and Medicare Part D. But now they decry that Bush was not a “real” conservative, but just a big government statist.

In fact that’s why they have not consolidated around Gingrich or Santorum. They view them as big government statists because Gingrich said he supported the mandates and sat down next to Pelosi and Santorum signed onto much of the Bush agenda and had earmarks.

This only makes your argument more poignant because the teabaggers would want politicians that not only would really want to see your satirical acts passed they would want to end the good parts of government as we know it like ending all entitlements. They would probably pass the EATME Act (End All Those Meaningless Entitlements) Act.