June 09, 2011, Newt Gingrich’s entire Senior Campaign Team resigned. Reports point to differences of opinion on Gingrich’s viability as a Presidential candidate. I was able to get a hold of a rough transcript of the last meeting Newt had with his team. It goes something like this:

Newt Gingrich: What tha Hell?! You’re quitting? We haven’t even gotten started yet.


Campaign Aide #1: Believe me, we noticed.



Newt Gingrich: Hey! Hey! Is that sass?! I swear to god if you sass me I will come over there and smack you with my ring hand!


Campaign Aide #2: Yeah, now that you mention it, we wanna talk about the “hostile environment” you foster here. Head smacks don’t encourage teamwork.


Newt Gingrich: I can’t believe what I’m hearing! Think of everything I’ve done for all of you! All that free pizza crust and fancy jewelry from Tiffany!


Campaign Aide #2: Tiffany called today. They say we owe them around half a million dollars.  You wouldn’t know anything about that would you?  ‘Cause I can’t find it anywhere on the books. Also, who gives someone a $500 watch AND a box of pizza crust? I mean, the box was  still warm. Did you eat it all coming down the hall?


Newt Gingrich: That hurts. Why would you hurt? Didn’t I pay for your son’s school field trip?



Campaign Aide #1: No.



Newt Gingrich: Really? Well who did I just give $1,000 to? Hmm. Well that’s the last time I mix Four – Loco and government subsidized poon tang. Am I right fellas? Up top!


Campaign Aide #1: You can put your hand down sir. See, we wanted to just walk right out but we felt bad for you. Like a person would for a small puppy with a wounded paw. A wounded paw and a giant financial problem. I don’t know much about this Tiffany business. Like I said, it wasn’t on the books.


Newt Gingrich: It’s not suppose to be you idiot! Don’t I have someone in charge of this shit?! How do yo even know about this?! Where is he?




Campaign Aide #2: He refused to show up. Said something about “missing a phone call” and now you’ll kill him. I’m sure he was exage-…

Newt Gingrich: WHERE IS HE?!



Campaign Aide #1: Whoa, calm down!



Newt Gingrich: Bring me his address and my red book! I want him found. I want him, dead! I want his family, dead! I want his house burned down!


Campaign Aide #1: O.K. we’re gonna go. Uh, good luck to you in the future. My assessment of your current situation is there on your desk, under the heading: “Shaved Orangutan Announces Bid for Presidency”.


Newt Gingrich: Ha, ha, ha. Get the fuck out of here. Stupid assholes. I’ll fix this. I’ll fix them all. Goddamn colonialists. *Gingrich dials number*…. Hey, Rooster! Yeah, it’s me…Uh-huh….Uh-huh… Listen, shut up for a second. Do you still have that address book I gave you?…Excellent. I need a favor…..Yeah, the usual place….. Look, I don’t care who’s shit you use, just cover their house in it….. Why?! Why not?….. No, I’m not running for President…. Say, you wouldn’t happen to have $500,000 on you, would you?


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chasethisKillgoreTroutjkkFLADONAIBuddy McCue Recent comment authors
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I don’t know how in the world you manage to get your hands on such precious material. You’re doing a great public service by sharing these transcripts. BTW–who is Rooster?


That’s a disease isn’t it.. It a damn epidemic; and only a few have diagnosed it!


Ha! Yes, it’s closely associated with douchebaggery!

Buddy McCue

Well, no WONDER no one wants to work for him!