June 09, 2011, Newt Gingrich’s entire Senior Campaign Team resigned. Reports point to differences of opinion on Gingrich’s viability as a Presidential candidate. I was able to get a hold of a rough transcript of the last meeting Newt had with his team. It goes something like this:

Newt Gingrich: What tha Hell?! You’re quitting? We haven’t even gotten started yet.


Campaign Aide #1: Believe me, we noticed.



Newt Gingrich: Hey! Hey! Is that sass?! I swear to god if you sass me I will come over there and smack you with my ring hand!


Campaign Aide #2: Yeah, now that you mention it, we wanna talk about the “hostile environment” you foster here. Head smacks don’t encourage teamwork.


Newt Gingrich: I can’t believe what I’m hearing! Think of everything I’ve done for all of you! All that free pizza crust and fancy jewelry from Tiffany!


Campaign Aide #2: Tiffany called today. They say we owe them around half a million dollars.  You wouldn’t know anything about that would you?  ‘Cause I can’t find it anywhere on the books. Also, who gives someone a $500 watch AND a box of pizza crust? I mean, the box was  still warm. Did you eat it all coming down the hall?


Newt Gingrich: That hurts. Why would you hurt? Didn’t I pay for your son’s school field trip?



Campaign Aide #1: No.



Newt Gingrich: Really? Well who did I just give $1,000 to? Hmm. Well that’s the last time I mix Four – Loco and government subsidized poon tang. Am I right fellas? Up top!


Campaign Aide #1: You can put your hand down sir. See, we wanted to just walk right out but we felt bad for you. Like a person would for a small puppy with a wounded paw. A wounded paw and a giant financial problem. I don’t know much about this Tiffany business. Like I said, it wasn’t on the books.


Newt Gingrich: It’s not suppose to be you idiot! Don’t I have someone in charge of this shit?! How do yo even know about this?! Where is he?




Campaign Aide #2: He refused to show up. Said something about “missing a phone call” and now you’ll kill him. I’m sure he was exage-…

Newt Gingrich: WHERE IS HE?!



Campaign Aide #1: Whoa, calm down!



Newt Gingrich: Bring me his address and my red book! I want him found. I want him, dead! I want his family, dead! I want his house burned down!


Campaign Aide #1: O.K. we’re gonna go. Uh, good luck to you in the future. My assessment of your current situation is there on your desk, under the heading: “Shaved Orangutan Announces Bid for Presidency”.


Newt Gingrich: Ha, ha, ha. Get the fuck out of here. Stupid assholes. I’ll fix this. I’ll fix them all. Goddamn colonialists. *Gingrich dials number*…. Hey, Rooster! Yeah, it’s me…Uh-huh….Uh-huh… Listen, shut up for a second. Do you still have that address book I gave you?…Excellent. I need a favor…..Yeah, the usual place….. Look, I don’t care who’s shit you use, just cover their house in it….. Why?! Why not?….. No, I’m not running for President…. Say, you wouldn’t happen to have $500,000 on you, would you?


Leave a Comment

Please Login to comment
3 Comment threads
4 Thread replies
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
5 Comment authors
chasethisKillgoreTroutjkkFLADONAIBuddy McCue Recent comment authors
newest oldest most voted
Notify of

I don’t know how in the world you manage to get your hands on such precious material. You’re doing a great public service by sharing these transcripts. BTW–who is Rooster?

Report this comment


That’s a disease isn’t it.. It a damn epidemic; and only a few have diagnosed it!

Report this comment


Ha! Yes, it’s closely associated with douchebaggery!

Report this comment

Buddy McCue

Well, no WONDER no one wants to work for him!

Report this comment