June 09, 2011, Newt Gingrich’s entire Senior Campaign Team resigned. Reports point to differences of opinion on Gingrich’s viability as a Presidential candidate. I was able to get a hold of a rough transcript of the last meeting Newt had with his team. It goes something like this:
Newt Gingrich: What tha Hell?! You’re quitting? We haven’t even gotten started yet.
Campaign Aide #1: Believe me, we noticed.
Newt Gingrich: Hey! Hey! Is that sass?! I swear to god if you sass me I will come over there and smack you with my ring hand!
Campaign Aide #2: Yeah, now that you mention it, we wanna talk about the “hostile environment” you foster here. Head smacks don’t encourage teamwork.
Newt Gingrich: I can’t believe what I’m hearing! Think of everything I’ve done for all of you! All that free pizza crust and fancy jewelry from Tiffany!
Campaign Aide #2: Tiffany called today. They say we owe them around half a million dollars. You wouldn’t know anything about that would you? ‘Cause I can’t find it anywhere on the books. Also, who gives someone a $500 watch AND a box of pizza crust? I mean, the box was still warm. Did you eat it all coming down the hall?
Newt Gingrich: That hurts. Why would you hurt? Didn’t I pay for your son’s school field trip?
Campaign Aide #1: No.
Newt Gingrich: Really? Well who did I just give $1,000 to? Hmm. Well that’s the last time I mix Four – Loco and government subsidized poon tang. Am I right fellas? Up top!
Campaign Aide #1: You can put your hand down sir. See, we wanted to just walk right out but we felt bad for you. Like a person would for a small puppy with a wounded paw. A wounded paw and a giant financial problem. I don’t know much about this Tiffany business. Like I said, it wasn’t on the books.
Newt Gingrich: It’s not suppose to be you idiot! Don’t I have someone in charge of this shit?! How do yo even know about this?! Where is he?
Campaign Aide #2: He refused to show up. Said something about “missing a phone call” and now you’ll kill him. I’m sure he was exage-…
Newt Gingrich: WHERE IS HE?!
Campaign Aide #1: Whoa, calm down!
Newt Gingrich: Bring me his address and my red book! I want him found. I want him, dead! I want his family, dead! I want his house burned down!
Campaign Aide #1: O.K. we’re gonna go. Uh, good luck to you in the future. My assessment of your current situation is there on your desk, under the heading: “Shaved Orangutan Announces Bid for Presidency”.
Newt Gingrich: Ha, ha, ha. Get the fuck out of here. Stupid assholes. I’ll fix this. I’ll fix them all. Goddamn colonialists. *Gingrich dials number*…. Hey, Rooster! Yeah, it’s me…Uh-huh….Uh-huh… Listen, shut up for a second. Do you still have that address book I gave you?…Excellent. I need a favor…..Yeah, the usual place….. Look, I don’t care who’s shit you use, just cover their house in it….. Why?! Why not?….. No, I’m not running for President…. Say, you wouldn’t happen to have $500,000 on you, would you?