WARNING: This post is rated SSA for Serious Snark Alert. Its content may not be suitable for those of a right-wing persuasion or even those seeking a balanced political discussion. If somewhat over-the-edge-unbalanced musings are your thing, please read on.
When you think about it, today’s political theater could easily be adapted to novel format. All of the classic elements a novel are there: sex, diabolical intrigue, mortal (political) danger, excitement, money, drama, over-the-top characters, and suspense. You name it and we have it. The possibilities for our novel’s plot and setting are virtually unlimited! Our political pastures are rich with… well, you know – that with which we fertilize pastures.
Speaking of rich, we could develop our novel as a modern day corporate thriller where the stake is the financial control of the entire country. We can cast a couple of brothers as the evil masterminds. Names, names…names. We need names. What to call our brothers? I know; let’s call them the Cooke brothers, but with a twist – let’s pronounce Cooke as kook (as in crazy) — maybe crazy like a fox. Let’s say the filthy-rich Cooke brothers want to take their beloved country back from Commie, Marxist, Socialist, Job-Killing, Healthcare-Wanting, Non-God-Fearing Political Left. Pretty scary stuff, huh?
To accomplish this, the Kook brothers (sorry, Cooke brothers), “cooke-up” their own Boys-From-Brazil plan to populate the US Congress with mindless right-wing clones – and not just the US Congress, but State Houses as well. Once installed into office, the Cookie Clones (pronounced “kooky clones”) will begin undoing all of the social progress legislation of the past sixty years while presiding over the looting of the National Treasury and the dismantling of unions, and obliterating the American middle class. Too over the top? OK, you’re right. This could never happen in real life and we want our novel to be believable, not a fantasy.
But, then again, there IS a large market for fantasy novels. After all, Harry Potter has sold millions and millions of copies and propelled J.K. Rowling to be one of the richest women in the world. So maybe we should contemplate writing a medieval fantasy novel. Perhaps in our fantasy world (Po’merica), Prince O’Bam has ascended to the throne amidst questions about his ancestry and royal birth. The lonely prince struggles with the disappearance of the kingdom’s treasure (the Banker’s Guild is suspected of being behind the disappearance), a totally dysfunctional court, treacherous advisers, numerous [political] assassination attempts, and three wars.
What do you think? Should we use Newt Gingrich as the basis for our court jester? Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann could certainly be used as character models for the prince’s evil, witchcraft-practicing twin sisters, both of whom are plotting the prince’s demise on every page. You can hear the breathless report of the prince’s messenger: “Your Majesty, mindless zombies are attacking the castle walls! They keep demanding their kingdom back and want tea and some kind of certificate. It’s all very confusing, Sire.”
Then again, perhaps Sarah P deserves her own stand-alone novella. We could entitle the book, Snark of the Covenant — maybe we can do a take-off of the Bride of Frankenstein. “She’s alive, Herr Doctor! But the brain waves…they are a bit erratic.”
Then, too, John Boehner has lots of potential – as a character, anyway. Maybe we can make him into a protagonist in a religious allegory. We call it the Book of Job(s). Talk about your fantasies! You’re right; no way would Boehner ever be believable in a Job context.
I’m thinking maybe we could use Haley Barbour for a story about Pride and Prejudice… Let’s entitle it Beneath a White Son. And we could put a Newt-like character in a modern version of Brides’ Bed Revisited – over and over again. We could also venture into historical fiction and feature a character along the lines of Mitch McConnell. Working title is Nostradumass. Like I said, the possibilities are endless.
Not feeling much like a fiction novel today? That’s OK. We can explore non-fiction. How about we write The Seven Habits of Highly Elective and Deceptive Republican People?
• Habit 1: Be Proactive* – Never miss an opportunity to demonize Government. Entropy will prevail, but good Republicans need not wait for the gradual deterioration of the government beast. We must help it along. Remember the three “D’s” – Demonize Democrats, Defund government; Destroy the organism that gave us the welfare state. Just remember, “In order to form a more perfect union,” DOES NOT MEAN WE LIKE UNIONS!
• Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind.* Republicans know their values. We must not rest until all of America shares these values – Liberty, Freedom, Healthcare only for those who can afford it, and championing the petty needs and wants of the rich. And for those who never quite come around, well… remember the 3 “M’s” – Marginalize them, Misdirect them away from real issues and facts, and Minimize their ability to be full participants in our democracy. After all, real democracy is meant for real Americans.
• Habit 3: Put First Things First.* As an elected official, you carry the heavy burden of governance. So it is only fair that you put first things first and pay yourself first – and do so often. Take your cue from bankers and oil executives. America has a grand history of service, so go ahead and serve yourself first.
• Habit 4: Think Win-Win* – We can’t over-emphasize the importance of employing a win-win strategy. It is critical that Republicans win at the national level – and at the state level, too. And don’t allow our enemies confuse you. Win-win doesn’t refer to some namby-pamby both-sides-win approach. No compromise. We’re Republicans; if we want something from non-Republicans, we’ll just take it – or have the courts award it to us. Either way works.
• Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood.* (How’d this habit get in here? Clearly, there’s been a mistake. This is an outrage! This habit must be submitted for rewrite. Its author must be sent out for reeducation.) You’re a Republican. You are born with an inherent and innate gift of understanding. No need to study or educate yourself when you’re born with the “gift.” Your job is simply to tell America how it’s going to be.
• Habit 6: Synergize* – Yeah, Baby. Multi-task! That’s what we’re talking about. Not only can we loot the treasury for our benefactors, we can blame it all on the current Democratic administration. That’s true synergy in action. And also, my friends, this is a prime example of what we mean by “win-win.”
• Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw* – We’re Republicans. We have a cutting tool for our unofficial party symbol — and we like our tea brewed bitter. We cut taxes – and we cut the legs out from our enemies. We cut the best portions of the fattened cow for ourselves and make sausage of the rest (and anyone who speaks out against us).
*AUTHOR’S NOTE: The above “habit” titles were taken from the excellent self-help book by Stephen R. Covey, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, first published in 1989. As for the remaining comments, these are solely the author’s and are in no way associated with Mr. Covey’s work. Admittedly, the author’s comments are the product of substance abuse – too little of substance coming from Republicans and too much abuse committed by them on behalf of those they consider to be “real Americans.”