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SequimBob2 On March - 24 - 2011
WASHINGTON - JULY 20:  Former U.S. Speaker of ...

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

WARNING: This post is rated SSA for Serious Snark Alert. Its content may not be suitable for those of a right-wing persuasion or even those seeking a balanced political discussion. If somewhat over-the-edge-unbalanced musings are your thing, please read on.

When you think about it, today’s political theater could easily be adapted to novel format. All of the classic elements a novel are there: sex, diabolical intrigue, mortal (political) danger, excitement, money, drama, over-the-top characters, and suspense. You name it and we have it. The possibilities for our novel’s plot and setting are virtually unlimited! Our political pastures are rich with… well, you know – that with which we fertilize pastures.

Speaking of rich, we could develop our novel as a modern day corporate thriller where the stake is the financial control of the entire country. We can cast a couple of brothers as the evil masterminds. Names, names…names. We need names. What to call our brothers? I know; let’s call them the Cooke brothers, but with a twist – let’s pronounce Cooke as kook (as in crazy) — maybe crazy like a fox. Let’s say the filthy-rich Cooke brothers want to take their beloved country back from Commie, Marxist, Socialist, Job-Killing, Healthcare-Wanting, Non-God-Fearing Political Left. Pretty scary stuff, huh?

To accomplish this, the Kook brothers (sorry, Cooke brothers), “cooke-up” their own Boys-From-Brazil plan to populate the US Congress with mindless right-wing clones – and not just the US Congress, but State Houses as well. Once installed into office, the Cookie Clones (pronounced “kooky clones”) will begin undoing all of the social progress legislation of the past sixty years while presiding over the looting of the National Treasury and the dismantling of unions, and obliterating the American middle class. Too over the top? OK, you’re right. This could never happen in real life and we want our novel to be believable, not a fantasy.

But, then again, there IS a large market for fantasy novels. After all, Harry Potter has sold millions and millions of copies and propelled J.K. Rowling to be one of the richest women in the world. So maybe we should contemplate writing a medieval fantasy novel. Perhaps in our fantasy world (Po’merica), Prince O’Bam has ascended to the throne amidst questions about his ancestry and royal birth. The lonely prince  struggles with the disappearance of the kingdom’s treasure (the Banker’s Guild is suspected of being behind the disappearance), a totally dysfunctional court, treacherous advisers, numerous [political] assassination attempts, and three wars.

What do you think? Should we use Newt Gingrich as the basis for our court jester? Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann could certainly be used as character models for the prince’s evil, witchcraft-practicing twin sisters, both of whom are plotting the prince’s demise on every page. You can hear the breathless report of the prince’s messenger: “Your Majesty, mindless zombies are attacking the castle walls! They keep demanding their kingdom back and want tea and some kind of certificate. It’s all very confusing, Sire.”

Then again, perhaps Sarah P deserves her own stand-alone novella. We could entitle the book, Snark of the Covenant — maybe we can do a take-off of the Bride of Frankenstein. “She’s alive, Herr Doctor! But the brain waves…they are a bit erratic.”

Then, too, John Boehner has lots of potential – as a character, anyway. Maybe we can make him into a protagonist in a religious allegory. We call it the Book of Job(s). Talk about your fantasies! You’re right; no way would Boehner ever be believable in a Job context.

I’m thinking maybe we could use Haley Barbour for a story about Pride and Prejudice… Let’s entitle it Beneath a White Son. And we could put a Newt-like character in a modern version of Brides’ Bed Revisited – over and over again. We could also venture into historical fiction and feature a character along the lines of Mitch McConnell. Working title is Nostradumass. Like I said, the possibilities are endless.

Not feeling much like a fiction novel today? That’s OK. We can explore non-fiction. How about we write The Seven Habits of Highly Elective and Deceptive Republican People?

• Habit 1: Be Proactive* – Never miss an opportunity to demonize Government. Entropy will prevail, but good Republicans need not wait for the gradual deterioration of the government beast. We must help it along. Remember the three “D’s” – Demonize Democrats, Defund government; Destroy the organism that gave us the welfare state. Just remember, “In order to form a more perfect union,” DOES NOT MEAN WE LIKE UNIONS!

• Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind.* Republicans know their values. We must not rest until all of America shares these values – Liberty, Freedom, Healthcare only for those who can afford it, and championing the petty needs and wants of the rich. And for those who never quite come around, well… remember the 3 “M’s” – Marginalize them, Misdirect them away from real issues and facts, and Minimize their ability to be full participants in our democracy. After all, real democracy is meant for real Americans.

• Habit 3: Put First Things First.* As an elected official, you carry the heavy burden of governance. So it is only fair that you put first things first and pay yourself first – and do so often. Take your cue from bankers and oil executives. America has a grand history of service, so go ahead and serve yourself first.

• Habit 4: Think Win-Win* – We can’t over-emphasize the importance of employing a win-win strategy. It is critical that Republicans win at the national level – and at the state level, too. And don’t allow our enemies confuse you. Win-win doesn’t refer to some namby-pamby both-sides-win approach. No compromise. We’re Republicans; if we want something from non-Republicans, we’ll just take it – or have the courts award it to us. Either way works.

• Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood.* (How’d this habit get in here? Clearly, there’s been a mistake. This is an outrage! This habit must be submitted for rewrite. Its author must be sent out for reeducation.) You’re a Republican. You are born with an inherent and innate gift of understanding. No need to study or educate yourself when you’re born with the “gift.”  Your job is simply to tell America how it’s going to be.

• Habit 6: Synergize* – Yeah, Baby. Multi-task! That’s what we’re talking about. Not only can we loot the treasury for our benefactors, we can blame it all on the current Democratic administration. That’s true synergy in action. And also, my friends, this is a prime example of what we mean by “win-win.”

• Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw* – We’re Republicans. We have a cutting tool for our unofficial party symbol  — and we like our tea brewed bitter. We cut taxes – and we cut the legs out from our enemies. We cut the best portions of the fattened cow for ourselves and make sausage of the rest (and anyone who speaks out against us).

*AUTHOR’S NOTE: The above “habit” titles were taken from the excellent self-help book by Stephen R. Covey, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, first published in 1989. As for the remaining comments, these are solely the author’s and are in no way associated with Mr. Covey’s work. Admittedly, the author’s comments are the product of substance abuse – too little of substance coming from Republicans and too much abuse committed by them on behalf of those they consider to be “real Americans.”

Written by SequimBob2

Retired guy. Southerner by birth. Pacific Northwesterner by choice. Political junkie. Fiscal conservative. Social liberal. Writer. Avid photographer.

9 Responses so far.

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  1. kesmarn says:

    I agree with WTS. There was so much good stuff being published there for a bit that this one flew by. It’s a keeper! Thanks for putting it out there, SB2.

    Have to dash out now, but more later, I hope!

    • SequimBob2 says:

      Kesmarn: I agree with you about the good stuff being posted. Chernynkaya is, I think, doing some particularly good work. This week had several memorable posts from a variety of folks that I enjoyed.

      I appreciate the kind words.

      • kesmarn says:

        SB2, I especially enjoyed #4:

        We can’t over-emphasize the importance of employing a win-win strategy. It is critical that Republicans win at the national level – and at the state level, too. And don’t allow our enemies confuse you. Win-win doesn’t refer to some namby-pamby both-sides-win approach. No compromise. We’re Republicans; if we want something from non-Republicans, we’ll just take it – or have the courts award it to us. Either way works.

        Nothing wrong with your sense of humor, that’s for sure!


  2. whatsthatsound says:

    Hey, SB2, I don’t know how this article got overlooked. It’s a gem!

    • SequimBob2 says:


      Thank you! I had checked the politics box, but when my article got posted it was only listed in the Humor and Speakers and Writers sections. When no one commented, I concluded the post ‘was a bust.’

      Wifemate keeps telling me my sense of humor needs work. I assumed the reviewer at PlanetPOV agreed with her. :-)

      • whatsthatsound says:

        That’s what I was worried about, that you would see it as a snub, or a “bust”. You contribute real quality to this site. Fortunately (or unfortunately) we seem to suffer from a surfeit of talent around here! :)

      • Kalima says:

        Sorry about this SequimBob2, the new posts are always in the “Recent Posts” sidebar for people to check, and many members are subscribed for new posts email alerts, so I’m not sure what happened here. However SC posts receive as many or even more comments as some Front Page posts. Here is a link which might explain delays or reasons why posts don’t appear on the Front Page. and it might happen when there are a lot of posts waiting to be published at the same time. to make it easier for us, images at the top of the posts, featured image and adding tags will ensure that posts are published quickly because it takes time to add them, and sometimes there might only be one of here at any one time. Great post by the way.


        • SequimBob2 says:

          Kalima: No apologies necessary. My comment wasn’t intended to be a criticism. Admin does a great job (IMHO) and I’m simply grateful to have visiting privileges on the ‘Planet.’ In fact, as our country descends steadily into a lower right-wing orbit, I find myself considering more and more the advantages of permanently immigrating to the Planet. Will you take me without a birth certificate?

          • Kalima says:

            I will promise to take special care with your posts from now on, we are all equal here. Great to have you here, and yes you can come without a birth certificate, if you promise to bring armloads of loo paper and tissues with you, were are in a bit of a pickle with short supplies.

            If somehow I missed to welcome you to The Planet, I extend my hand in a warm welcome to you, and thank you most sincerely for sharing your time, pov and talents with us, in what is now your community too

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