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AdLib On December - 24 - 2011

They may be hard bitten political figures but they too make up lists of wishes to send to Santa, in hopes that he’ll bring them what they want:

 

John Boehner

 “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth, my missing spine, these shoe prints cleaned off of my suit and face and a very thick and absorbent handkerchief.”

 

Mitt Romney

“What I would like from you St. Nicholas is a very expensive artificial tree, a more convincing fake laugh and a word that simultaneously means “yes” and “no” (“Nyep”?).

 

Pres. Barack Obama

“Between the GOP Presidential field and the recent Republican House fight against tax cuts, I’ve received so many wonderful gifts already from the GOP, I’d feel guilty asking Santa for anything more.”

 

Newt Gingrich

 “Dear Santa, I would like (and deserve) the Presidency, an amnesia ray mounted in a satellite or the moon which could affect an entire nation and a redefinition of marriage to mean one man, one woman and one affair…at a time.”

 

Ron Paul

“We shouldn’t be investing wishes in a foreigner who doesn’t even live in the United States! We need to spend our wishes here! And anyway, the only fictional character I believe in is Ayn Rand.”

 

Michele Bachmann

“I would like an industrial sized eye drop applicator, the Patsy Cline song, “Crazy”, a mega pack of D batteries, a war with Iran that brings about End Times and a corn dog.”

 

 

Charles and David Koch

Give us everything now, Santa, you fat fuck!

 

 

 

Corporations as people

What the Kochs said.

 

 

 

Sarah Palin

“Attention…lots and lots of attention…please Santa, I’m going through withdrawals and it hurts like acid burning through my veins! Please!”

 

Herman Cain

A Nine-nine-nine figure salary as a Fox commentator, a subscription to Playboy, the book “Secretary of Defense For Dummies” and smiling in slow motion becoming the coolest new trend with the kids (including that Just A Beeper kid).

 

Here’s hoping Santa makes all your wishes come true!

Written by AdLib

My motto is, "It is better to have blogged and lost hours of your day, than never to have blogged at all."

20 Responses so far.

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  1. boomer1949 says:

    Consistency, humor, satire, and AdLib…the root of all belly laughs.

    Wouldn’t be the Planet without you, Sheriff.

    Merci beaucoup, boomer

  2. choicelady says:

    Beautifully tailored, AdLib. Santa will be putting you on as a wish consultant. This is definitely your forte, both definining these wishes and then responding. You are guaranteed a lifetime gig at the North Pole, I’m sure! Thank you for a lovely laugh and REAL insight into the scary minds of the GOP. And for reminding us there IS an adult in the room who will leave Santa milk and cookies but NOT ask for anything back. What a mensch!

    • AdLib says:

      Thanks so much, I can’t imagine a better boss to have than Santa. I hear the perqs are simply magical.

      It was surprisingly easy to “channel” the desires for these reptilian brained types. Aside from their desires to eat flies and spend their days in dark, murky places, I’m sure they have little in common with reptiles…and the reptiles are grateful.

  3. SueInCa says:

    Adlib

    When I read the Koch brothers wish, it reminded me of that bad bad letter to Santa from Johnny, you probably know the one, if not, here it is:

    http://www.funnyhumor.com/jokes/1151.php

  4. Chernynkaya says:

    So speaking of the Republican field, George Carlin once again simplifies it for us:


  5. Chernynkaya says:

    The only politician on that list who wants what I want is President Barack Obama. The rest of them are all self-serving egomaniacal greedsters. That’s really true--He is actually the only one who consistently talks about the welfare of The People. The others never even mention that.

    • AdLib says:

      I think people will look back at this period in their history e-books and be completely bewildered as to why there was any viability to any of these lunatics beating Obama in an election. “Were they crazy or what?”

      I would predict that Obama will be seen as one of our greatest presidents who brought about a powerful sweep of changes to our country and government when it was at one of its most fragile and dangerous periods.

      They won’t be saying, “If only McCain or Romney had been elected we could have given more money to the wealthy back then!”

      It’s kind of absurd that there’s even a question between re-electing Obama and electing a Romney or Newt, I’m with those future folks, “How is that “choice” even worth consideration?”

      • Chernynkaya says:

        Right there with you AdLib. Lincoln was reviled in his day, and not just in the South. Obama is so remarkable it is very upsetting that he gets so little credit for so very much good that he does. And that’s not only in comparison to the disLoyal Opposition; he is affirmatively great on the merits. It is a huge insult to even compare him to anyone on today’s Right. He is a great President compared to the other greats and history will show that even if we are too stupid to see it now.

  6. AlphaBitch says:

    So I just chatted w/ Santa. Here is what he said:

    For Boehner: Tell him the oversized absorbent hankie can be found as the Depends he now needs.

    Romney: The word is “Nosi”.

    Gingrich: NO problem. Since you love war and wimmens, I’m sending you to Afghanistan, where you may have up to four wives at any given time, plus have “temporary wives” for a few weeks. Young boys are available at any time, if you are a Talib fauz Muslim.

    Paul: What you seem to need is some self-belief. Or maybe just some more tinfoil. That’s it.

    Bachmann: You are getting a pseudo corndog that runs on batteries. Marcus just isn’t that into you, if you get the drift.

    Koch Brothers: You’re on the naughty list.

    Palin: First you GET veins (and arteries) to that hair -- bumpit holder above your shoulders. Requested by all those who paid attention to you in the past.

    Cain: You, sir, get a lump of coal pizza.

  7. Chernynkaya says:

    OK, you made me laugh out loud! I was smiling as I read “Nyep!” (and BTW I am gonna use that at home), but when I got to what the Kochs wanted--that took me over the edge to a hearty laugh!

  8. Parsifals says:

    I needed &/or wanted a laugh and you provided just that; a perfect Christmas present for me. Many thanks, Adlib :) and all the best to you and yours for ’12.


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