Ich bin zurück!

How long has it been? Who was I even last time I was here?

I am still Khirad, my nom de plume, my kunya still. Long story short, I found the love of my life, got engaged, got my heart decimated, had a mental breakdown. You know, fun life stuff. It’s been long enough in the healing process a couple years on, I don’t need to go on.

Just thought I’d fill you in where I’ve been. You fill in the blanks. Still in Tucson, and got myself a knife roll. I’m somewhere between Anthony Bourdain and Gordon Ramsay – without any of the Michelin stars, stamped passports or well, skill.

I’ve oft missed the Planet. For a while, we couldn’t afford the internet and such when I was with my ex, and I just lost track. For the maybe third time in the last six months, I’ve gotten reported by Trumpists on Facebook. You know the playbook – I get called a fag, a left-wing Antifa Nazi, Democrats are the real racists, Trump is saving America.

I, in my naïveté, operate on good faith. All of a sudden my mom is a whore and my dad is a cuck. Fine, they are, and I’m a piece of shit, – ‘do you have something to add “fag”‘? Boom, reported for hate speech. I’ve started asking my old acquaintances for phone numbers and other contact information since Facebook is still good for that and I resent losing touch with them for even a week for some butthurt orangeflake.

‘Black Mirror’ is one of my favorite shows right now. It nails the absurdity of our brave new world of algorithms. Like a rusty razor blade compared to Doctor Who’s more abstract social commentary. You are judged. No context, no irony. Just clicks and serotonin dependence, like some crypto-Vegas slot machine. I’ve seen it in myself for a while. It’s hard not to get sucked in.

Especially when you’re bored or lonely – it’s fun to connect with friends. It’s just that. Whilst Facebook was never supposed to change the world or anything like that; it was never supposed to become a tentacle of 4Chan, StormFront, and a haven for bullies posting filth about an autistic teenager like Greta Thunberg or a forum for Zimmerman-adoring incels Gleefully posting pictures of Trayvon Martin’s “skeleton”.

I’ve tried ignoring it. They are trolls. But, the occupant of the White House is the Troll God. Like David Bowie in ‘Labyrinth’, if it were in the Upside Down of ‘Stranger Things’ after a pint of Victory Gin and a speech about Michael Palin’s character, – the true hero of ‘Brazil’. Were you to explain Berzelius Windrip to them, they would nod with enthusiastic approval. Without shame. As if Sarah Palin was a little too hoity-toity and had a little too much clarity.

Hell, I’ll never forgive George W Bush for enabling his gang of neocons. I do not miss his administration, but his malapropisms seem quaint now. And honestly, he’s a great ex-president. It’s almost like he was just meant to be a former president (if but we could have skipped that for Gore). He paints. And, apparently, he actually did read.

Trump takes pride in NOT … well. It’s been a long time since I’ve chatted with you folks, but we’re all on the same page, I can imagine. Growing up all the way in the Pacific Northwest, I knew who Donald Trump was. And rather than ignorance about his true character, what has truly disturbed me is it’s not just the tax cuts, judges and Machiavellian cynicism, which I could understand if not respect.

No, they love the vulgarity. A vulgarity even Howard Stern – when it came to it – could not harbor or abide in his former guest. I don’t know if I’m just getting older. I recently turned forty in November. I’m the first to discount the prejudice of immediacy. I’m the first to be skeptical about rose-colored glasses towards the past — even if it is JFK or FDR.

I’ve never made any pretense about being the most together person. My mental illness is part of who I am and I try not to make excuses. But; beyond my recent heartbreak and station in life. Beyond that; I can just feel it in the air. This is different. Even my parents who remember Nixon say so.

Or maybe that’s just Arizona? I kid. Arizona is more purple than people realize. Yet, “kids” in the apartment below me. They’re like a couple in their early twenties. Recently got a brand new car. I’d assumed that their old one had a Trump sticker as a hand-me-down from their parents.

Nope. Their brand new car had a brand new Trump sticker, as well. I can deal with the FOX viewers – all with a foot in the grave. But, that youthful cultish devotion disturbs me more. Although, it could just be I hold a grudge because they’re selfish assholes calling the office on me for no reason when they make twice as much noise.

If not my personal bias, it’s not just Facebook. It’s a pattern. It’s every self-entitled asshole basking in the triumph of their own flatulence. And, if these types weren’t born with a Trust Fund, they somehow think it’s owed to them. That they can worship the god of greed, the Prosperity ‘Gospel’ and triple down.

That they can call you a snowflake, but the moment you push back, they call you the fascist. …I was picked on as a kid. Always, quiet, shy, socially awkward. Not on the autism spectrum, but my ADD/I has similar traits and trouble with social cues.

I shouldn’t let it bother me, but that’s why it does. Instead of a safe space when I’m triggered though, I lash back. And, I don’t need to be told, that that only encourages them. However; when you say I sound like a “school shooter,” I respond sharply.

It’s such a complex issue regarding mental health, gun control, and the fact that most mass shooters aren’t even mentally ill, but bullies themselves. Nevertheless, there is something in their acorn-sized reptile brain that knows they would deserve it – no matter how much I make it clear I think it is wrong – even if I am sarcastic sometimes.

In any case, I’d much rather be here on the Planet, if y’all have me back. It’s just that, I couldn’t believe it was real. I thought they were being sarcastic. I thought it was like American Dad, or even The Producers. But no, no irony. Transgenders are coming for your children, and Democrats have a pedophile ring.

Like, holy &%*&%*&% – wow!?!! I mean, like the John Birch Society had an inbred child with the Tea Party and Zombie Reagan had Nancy conjure up John C. Calhoun after the Puritans were summoned to burn any learning materials.

In any case. Update over, I’d really like to start talking about the Middle East again and talking to people that have more than three brain cells, decency and good faith.