TABLE OF CONTENTS
Welcome from the Speaker
Dress Code
Lodging and Meals
Committee Assignments
Franking
Fact-Finding Missions
Personal Appearances
Legislation
Welcome from the Speaker
As Speaker of the 2018 House and Grill, I would like to extend a warm welcome to our new members. We look forward to meeting with you and your sponsors over the coming weeks. In the meantime, please read this Handbook. It contains helpful advice for House freshmen who wish to speed the transition from non-stop partisan politics on the campaign trail, to the very different world of non-stop partisan politics in Washington DC. Enjoy your time in Washington! Yours truly, Louis Buller Gohmert, Jr.
Dress Code
They say that “clothes make the man”, and this is certainly true, whether briskly striding to your office as if you have work to do, pontificating in front of the cameras on the “ponts-o’-the-day”, or meeting with your corporate sponsors to line up some funding for the following week. We recommend a blue suit, white shirt, a striped tie in patriotic colors, and a small but impactful set of lapel pins. The Congressional Gift Shop and Cigar Bar has an excellent selection of pins; just look for the big red GOP banner next to the beer cooler. 
As for the ladies of the GOP, we appreciate the support you have shown for your man. A frilly dress, a winsome smile, and unfailing loyalty are all that are needed for you to adorn the arm of your husband, Mr. Congressman!
Lodging and Meals
Several weeks before your scheduled arrival, you should have received an informative brochure and application form for housing and meal plans. The House GOP has converted entirely to communal living, based on Biblical principles and the time-tested methods of brainwashing. You have a broad selection of denominations to choose from. Whether you are a southern Bible thumper, a dominionist, or snake healer, there will be a house for you. And for our non-Christian brethren, the GOP has made special arrangements with the DC municipal government for lodging and meals at one of their newly remodeled residential facilities. Visit DC Department of Corrections for more information.
Committee Assignments
An important responsibility for any Congressman is assignment to one or more Committees or Sub-Committees and achieving seniority by having your name listed as a member. In line with GOP policy adopted in 2015, following our domination of House races in 2014, freshmen are advised to avoid seeking committee assignments that would suggest knowledge, experience or qualification in the subjects of the committee. Such an approach will only yield scorn and derision from your more experienced partners, and will open you to suspicion of having a legislative agenda (see Legislation below).
Franking
Since the defunding of the Post Office and the privatization of postal service, we are sorry, the US Congress can no longer offer you franking privileges. However, the GOP Office of Technology and Other Stuff would be happy to install, configure and maintain your state-of-the-art automated email system, which is based on the latest advances in artificial intelligence. This hands-off system schedules, sends, receives, and responds with every known email address in your District, and with content fully approved by the RNC.
Fact-Finding Missions
While on fact-finding missions, members are advised that actual finding of facts may entail adverse risks. Any data collection, analyses, or findings as a result of your mission should be carefully monitored and adjusted to fit your preconceived notions, as expressed during your heartfelt departure press briefing. As a reminder of our national policy, you will find a refrigerator magnet in your information packet – “Fact Free and Loving It!”
Personal Appearances
Your constituency wants to see you in action, hearing you say the words they heard at their local Sunday morning prayer circles. To maximize your visibility, please make use of our personalized concierge service, located on the basement level of the Rotunda in the Roger Ailes room.
Firearms
We encourage members to express their 2nd Amendment rights, as the Founders would have, through open carry or concealed carry at any time and any place. We apologize for construction activity in the House chambers this spring. Workers will be replacing plaster and woodwork damaged in last year’s dust-up over Obamacare.
Legislation
Finally, no orientation could possibly be complete without clear guidance on the legislative direction of the GOP this term. Our party platform makes clear that absolutely no legislation with any chance of passage should be introduced, debated, or called for a vote. The Speaker, assisted by Sergeant at Arms, the honorable Joe Arpaio, will be vigilant for any infraction. As a freshman, should you find yourself in a conversation with the opposition, and the focus turns to legislation, we encourage you to immediately press the red button on your House tracking bracelet, and help will be dispatched immediately. Do not be one of those unlucky few wearing a pink jumpsuit this session!
Copyright (c) 2018, the House Republican Orientation and Rib Cookout
The sad thing is that while tongue in cheek, if one strips away the satire here the real thing is not far from the core narrative you lay out here.
“Laughing and crying, you know it’s the same release.” – Joni Mitchell
Favorite lines:
FOR THE GOP, TOKEN OFFICE HOLDING BY EASILY MANIPULATED WOMEN AND PROP WIVES.
As for the ladies of the GOP, we appreciate the support you have shown for your man. A frilly dress, a winsome smile, and unfailing loyalty are all that are needed for you to adorn the arm of your husband, Mr. Congressman!
KNOWLEDGE IS THE ENEMY OF ZEALOTRY:
“Freshmen are advised to avoid seeking committee assignments that would suggest knowledge, experience or qualification in the subjects of the committee. Such an approach will only yield scorn and derision from your more experienced partners, and will open you to suspicion of having a legislative agenda.”
“While on fact-finding missions, members are advised that actual finding of facts may entail adverse risks. Any data collection, analyses, or findings as a result of your mission should be carefully monitored and adjusted to fit your preconceived notions, as expressed during your heartfelt departure press briefing. As a reminder of our national policy, you will find a refrigerator magnet in your information packet – “Fact Free and Loving It!” ”
OBSTRUCTION AND DENIAL AS A WAY OF LIE
“Our party platform makes clear that absolutely no legislation with any chance of passage should be introduced, debated, or called for a vote.”
pdl, thanks I needed the laugh. Loved the franking segment. Although, communal living? Doesn’t that sound an awful lot like communism? I liked the part about those non-Christians finding a place of residence in the house of corrections.
This was hilarious, PDL, my first real belly laugh of the day. Hard to pick a favourite here because they were all great, but the ones where I laughed out loud and sent the felines running for cover, was the fridge magnet, “Fact Free and Loving It” and the one about the firearms. 😆 Oh, and Louis Buller Gohmert, Jr. as The Speaker.
Thanks so much for this wonderful piece, and a belated welcome to The Planet.
{snicker}
Miles “Epic” Long
KUDOS PDL, an absolutely wonderful piece of satire. With every “agenda helper,” you brilliantly hit each nail on the head!
Wow, if the GOPers thought they could actually get away with such a thing, this is probably exactly what they would want.
I wonder if this could be called matriculation, into the University of Arrogant Pricks. Soon to be proud members of the Phi Kappa Fanaticus, or Alpa Phi Subserviens!
PDL, this is just awesome! Especially Joe Arpaio as sergeant-at-arms! Too funny.
I wonder, though, if the GOP might need to add a section on medical care to this handbook as well. Since by 2018, the postal service is a thing of the past, we can only assume that they’ve also succeeded by then in repealing Obamacare. And since all DC and area hospitals would have vanished due to bankruptcy caused by those inevitable Paul Ryan austerity measures, we can only imagine that any Congresspeople experiencing health problems would need to be flown directly to the Mayo Clinic — which by this time would have been bought out and completely privatized and would hence be known as the Kraft Mayo(nnaise) Clinic. It would accept only Congressmen and investment bankers, who would be among the small percentage of the population who could afford the $500,000/day room rates.
Ordinary citizens who experienced health problems would be issued the standard fifth of Jack Daniels along with a bullet to bite.
Thanks for a great read, PDL! 😆
I beg to differ. Since Rand Paul is now the President and Mitch McConnell the Senate Majority Leader, we’ve sent some business Kentucky’s way. Maker’s Mark has the government contract for the standard issued Bourbon that comes with the bullet to bite packaged under the standard wax seal. While the better bourbon IS a bit more expensive initially, the cost is covered by the packaging savings. The nutritional value of the wax dipped seal you have to chew your way through (we added some Vitamin D) to access both the bourbon and the bullet is just an added bonus. Don’t say we don’t care!
Just found your comment this evening, Cyndi! Well done for the KY pork barrel procurements there, Mssrs Paul and McConnell! And that Vitamin D fortified wax means that you can now also dispense with that pesky SNAP program. Win-win. For the austerity team anyway…
;), ;), 😉
I thought the piece was hilarious! Couldn’t resist 🙂
PDL, “Fact Free and Loving It!”, LOL!!!
Very funny stuff, thanks for the laughs.